Jmstl's thread-Part 3

[Jmstl]

I am really not even sure what the fog tunnel is, or is supposed to mean.

Does that refer to W, or me?

[Maika]

It refers to the WAS/WW mindset. The 'fog' as people call it is when they are so wrapped up in their own selfish desires and actions that they can't see the consequences of what they're doing - to their spouse, kids, and other family members. Not to mention themselves.

You can't do anything when they're in that place. You have to ride it out. And the best way to do that is improve yourself, GAL, and detach. Many things can take them out of the fog, and a new improved you is one of them. But, it really is on their timeline, not the LBS.

[Jmstl]

It refers to the WAS/WW mindset. The 'fog' as people call it is when they are so wrapped up in their own selfish desires and actions that they can't see the consequences of what they're doing - to their spouse, kids, and other family members. Not to mention themselves.

You can't do anything when they're in that place. You have to ride it out. And the best way to do that is improve yourself, GAL, and detach. Many things can take them out of the fog, and a new improved you is one of them. But, it really is on their timeline, not the LBS.

Thanks Maika.

I think everyone here knows how hard it is to let go and move on, when all we want to do is fix it and make the marriage work.

Every day, I slowly get better, but every day I also think is one step further away from rebuilding.

But hearing her say the other day that her walls were coming down, to me, signals the possibility to future discussion.

Or did I read that situation entirely wrong, and her saying that means nothing? (believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do?)

[Maika]

Yes, I wouldn't believe anything she says right now. Her walls could come back right up the next second and be 20 feet higher.

Don't try to read into what she's saying, it will drive you crazy. If there is a possibility of a recon, there will be some serious steps on her part that will indicate that.

That's why best not to focus on what she says or does because it will be all over the place. She will run hot and cold and all kindsa bananas behaviors.

Good to hear you're getting better every day - that's the best thing you can do.

[Benito]

To be fair, you are reading pretty much all of this wrong.

You are only kidding yourself thinking the way you are.

Just to make this clear, NOTHING you can say will change her mind.

She is having divorce parties and removing tatoos - she doesn’t want you in a romantic sense anymore.

This forum helps people improve themselves, that in turn creates a better environment for the walk away spouse to consider you an option some time in the future.

Its going to be a long and very painful journey but you will come out the other end.

But only when you accept that there is no magic formula.

You reading into 'hugs' and 'walls coming down' from her just show how new you are to this (we all were) - it means nothing to her at the moment you are an inconvenience to her.

But as I said… it’s a long v painful road, but there are some success stories.

[Benito]

You need to get further away from her..

It doesnt feel right to do..

But its the only way unfortunatley

[Jmstl]

You need to get further away from her..

It doesnt feel right to do..

But its the only way unfortunatley

By getting away, you mean detaching and GAL (not dating)?

[TBSakaJ9]

GAL is to help you move on, detach and explore all those things you have ever wanted to do. You know you are detached when her actions no longer impact your emotions. You are not detached and for that matter I am not either but detaching is a process.

You have to stop wondering what she is thinking, doing, etc. GAL helps with that however the only real solution is time. The more distance you put between her and yourself the easier it will be for you to detach and move on emotionally.

Make yourself the best JM you can be and if/when she notices then she may choose to come along for the ride. If she doesn't then you will still be the best jm you can be for your kids and your next relationship. Either way it is a win/win but you must stop focusing on her.

[Maika]

DB Basics to get back to:

1. No contact - unless about kids or anything else. Limit what you say and be very business like
2. Going dark - don't share what you're doing and what you're upto. If she asks, give vague answers. Don't say stuff like you're improving yourself and what not - she doesn't care.
3. Do not lift a finger for D if that's not what you want.
4. GAL your heart out
5. Work on detachment and dropping the rope
6. Be upbeat, positive and chill if you see her

Read Sandi's rules again. Put them in practice and then see what happens over time.

[Jmstl]

DB Basics to get back to:

1. No contact - unless about kids or anything else. Limit what you say and be very business like
2. Going dark - don't share what you're doing and what you're upto. If she asks, give vague answers. Don't say stuff like you're improving yourself and what not - she doesn't care.
3. Do not lift a finger for D if that's not what you want.
4. GAL your heart out
5. Work on detachment and dropping the rope
6. Be upbeat, positive and chill if you see her

Read Sandi's rules again. Put them in practice and then see what happens over time.

N/C-I did not text or speak to W at all yesterday. She sent me an email about finding a new piano teacher, and posted some photos to our photo sharing app. I did not respond to the email, because it wasn't actionable. I did not 'like' the photos, as doing that serves no purpose. I saw the pics, I love them, but I am not going to comment on them.
Going dark-I stopped posting to facebook what I am doing, how I am feeling etc. I REALLY doubt she even looks at my facebook, but we have 57 mutual friends and I know facebook will sometimes put comments for friends of ours into her feed. I don't want her to see anything that I am doing. Additionally, the coparenting app we use, will show when someone read the message or item. She sent a photo yesterday and I intentionally waited 8 hours to open it, whereas usually it would be 8 seconds.
I am trying to make her think I dropped off the face of the planet, essentially.
3-I am not lifting a finger, but truthfully there is no finger to lift. Because it is uncontested, there is really nothing to do, but wait out the next month until the hearing, (which I assume will finalize the D that day)
4-GALing-I am GAL'ing. Granted I probably should not have been meeting new women for drinks b/c I see how that can lead to an EA. But Kickboxing, hiking, working on the book, just generally going out and enjoying the day.
5-Detachment is obviously tough. It does get better. stopping following her social media, and not checking her FB has helped somewhat. GALing, has helped me just enjoy ME time, which has lead to..
6-I am much more upbeat and positive. I have more patience with the kids, enjoy my free time, and am just trying to /be/ happy, not letting other things in life get me down.