L sent me a note last night that I've used up my retainer, and then some, and owe her more money. Yay for that.
I cancelled my trip to Germany. Honestly, I didn't trust STBXW to not do something like "I can't keep D next week" on the day of and leave me stuck. I guess I know she won't do something like that, but my trust is so far gone that I feel like I don't want to take the risk. Attending two days of meetings six hours ahead time wise is going to be "fun", and will involve being up and presentable at 2:00am. But hey, at least I'll be done for the day at noon.
When I texted STBXW that I wasn't going to Germany, and didn't need her to keep D, I got back a "why not" and later "and btw, I wasn't offering to keep my own daughter I hate the way you make some of the **** you say sound." I felt like she was doing me a favor, so I was trying to be grateful. Damned if you do, damned if you don't I guess. I apologized for making her feel that way.
GF and I went away for the long holiday weekend. Did some touristy things, saw Taming of the Shrew on stage which was really fun. Definitely the best weekend I've had in a LONG time... except for the fact that D had a bad meltdown when I talked to her on Sunday night. In tears, asking, again, "daddy, why won't you marry mommy anymore?" All I could say in response to that was, "You need to ask mommy that question." Then D started telling me that "mommy is being mean to you" but didn't give specifics. Then that she didn't like mommy and didn't want to stay with mommy anymore.
I really don't know how to handle those conversations. If they're planned (like it was when STBXW and I told D that mommy and daddy weren't going to live together) I can stick to a script and do ok. When it's out of the blue, I just focus on trying to soothe her and basically tell her that mommy loves her, daddy loves her, and none of this is her fault. But it takes everything I have to get that out.
D did nothing to deserve having to live like this. "The kids will be fine" is BS. Maybe they WILL be fine... eventually... but they sure as hell aren't fine during, and probably won't be for years.
I've let most of my anger go at this point, but I don't know that I'll ever forgive STBXW for that.
