STBXW still isn't working, so I'm paying for just about anything that D needs right now.
Im still having a hard time following this.
Dont you have some kind of separation agreement or even a divorce decree? Are you giving her alimony or spousal support? If so, then I dont see why you should be giving her money.
Otherwise, then it makes more sense that if she isnt working that you should have an alternative custody arrangement. Where do you draw the line between funding your W's laziness vs. supporting D?
We HAD one, and then she blew it up. We're not divorced, and while we have an agreement, she's disputing it and we don't go to court until the 15th (which is a motion hearing that will decide if she can withdraw the agreement, or if we're actually divorced). Under the state formula, STBXW owes me child support, but I had my L wipe it out (it was like $50 a month, and we don't need it, and it's not in anyone's best interest at this time) with the excuse that W had higher travel costs. Everything "expense" wise like extracurriculars, medical expenses (I cover her insurance, but it has deductables) is supposed to be 50/50.
There was some alimony/support, but it ended this month. I was also sending additional money outside of the agreement for D. I agree I don't want to support STBXW's laziness, which is why I told her I wasn't sending money anymore, but if D lacked for anything, we could talk about the best thing for her.
Honestly, though, I don't have trouble paying for anything that D needs like haircuts.
As I wrote this, I got another request for money for this weekend by text. I'm sure the temper tantrum or attempted guilt trip will suck when I say no, but I'm done being a doormat.
I was also sending additional money outside of the agreement for D. I agree I don't want to support STBXW's laziness, which is why I told her I wasn't sending money anymore, but if D lacked for anything, we could talk about the best thing for her.
I think this is the problem. Whether or not it's on purpose, it sends the message that YOU are the one that gets to decide whats 'best for D'. Instead of taking care of incidental things, like haircuts, theres now a system in place where W has to ask you for money to do things and you become the arbiter of yes or no. This means that any time you say 'no', you put yourself as being the bad guy. There's no upside for you; youre either a jerk or a doormat.
In my opinion, if she wants custody, then she can figure out how to pay for things. If I want to take my daughter to the amusement park, Im not going to ask my ex for half. Just like if my ex wanted to take my daughter to a baseball game, I would expect to pay half.
If she 'lacks for something' at your ex's house, thats just not your problem anymore. If she lacks for a basic need at your W's house, then it's time to fight for more custody.
I think this is the problem. Whether or not it's on purpose, it sends the message that YOU are the one that gets to decide whats 'best for D'. Instead of taking care of incidental things, like haircuts, theres now a system in place where W has to ask you for money to do things and you become the arbiter of yes or no.
It's not on purpose. Like I said in a post above, the problem here I think is that I was (maybe am, thanks for the insight) still trying to co-parent. This idea that we can have a rational discussion about what's best for our daughter.
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This means that any time you say 'no', you put yourself as being the bad guy. There's no upside for you; youre either a jerk or a doormat.
NG in a nutshell, isn't it? Not only am I in that situation, I put myself there trying to do the "right" thing. I'm working on fixing that. You should see her response to my "no." It includes a "we'll see in court."
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If she 'lacks for something' at your ex's house, thats just not your problem anymore. If she lacks for a basic need at your W's house, then it's time to fight for more custody.
I'm still adjusting my thinking on that. My head agrees with the first part, but it still doesn't "feel" right. The second part I have difficulty considering. As it stands now, it's basically six days a month plus whatever holidays, etc. Trying to reduce that doesn't sit well with me at all.
L sent me a note last night that I've used up my retainer, and then some, and owe her more money. Yay for that.
I cancelled my trip to Germany. Honestly, I didn't trust STBXW to not do something like "I can't keep D next week" on the day of and leave me stuck. I guess I know she won't do something like that, but my trust is so far gone that I feel like I don't want to take the risk. Attending two days of meetings six hours ahead time wise is going to be "fun", and will involve being up and presentable at 2:00am. But hey, at least I'll be done for the day at noon.
When I texted STBXW that I wasn't going to Germany, and didn't need her to keep D, I got back a "why not" and later "and btw, I wasn't offering to keep my own daughter I hate the way you make some of the **** you say sound." I felt like she was doing me a favor, so I was trying to be grateful. Damned if you do, damned if you don't I guess. I apologized for making her feel that way.
GF and I went away for the long holiday weekend. Did some touristy things, saw Taming of the Shrew on stage which was really fun. Definitely the best weekend I've had in a LONG time... except for the fact that D had a bad meltdown when I talked to her on Sunday night. In tears, asking, again, "daddy, why won't you marry mommy anymore?" All I could say in response to that was, "You need to ask mommy that question." Then D started telling me that "mommy is being mean to you" but didn't give specifics. Then that she didn't like mommy and didn't want to stay with mommy anymore.
I really don't know how to handle those conversations. If they're planned (like it was when STBXW and I told D that mommy and daddy weren't going to live together) I can stick to a script and do ok. When it's out of the blue, I just focus on trying to soothe her and basically tell her that mommy loves her, daddy loves her, and none of this is her fault. But it takes everything I have to get that out.
D did nothing to deserve having to live like this. "The kids will be fine" is BS. Maybe they WILL be fine... eventually... but they sure as hell aren't fine during, and probably won't be for years.
I've let most of my anger go at this point, but I don't know that I'll ever forgive STBXW for that.
Heart wrenching stuff here! Ww and I had to attend a mandatory seminar regarding co-parenting and how to make our children's transition into this mess easier on them. Listening to children express their feelings was even tougher on me than when we told our children about the impending divorce. My WW was balling her eyes out, first sign of emotion from her!
Originally Posted By: EastTN
I've let most of my anger go at this point, but I don't know that I'll ever forgive STBXW for that.
I too struggle when my D11 has any questions regarding what is going to happen with us, the problem I have is that my anger toward what my wife has done to us seems to enter into my thought process, I'm getting better but have a long road ahead of me. Keep it up, seems like you D really needs you!
I've let most of my anger go at this point, but I don't know that I'll ever forgive STBXW for that.
Add me to that list with you and dusty. I think I still have some anger over how this has affected my kids and I will have the hardest time forgiving her for that. She can throw whatever crazy she wants at me and I can handle it, but to see the kids go through this is the most enraging part - this is why the selfishness part is so maddening to me. How did you actually think this was going to be okay for the kids? Now it's playing out in real life and she's seeing that they're not going to be 'okay'.
I know kids will accept it over time and we will have to support them through this, but they never deserved this.
I think for me, she has to show true remorse about this, on top of whatever EA she had for me to consider recon.
When it's out of the blue, I just focus on trying to soothe her and basically tell her that mommy loves her, daddy loves her, and none of this is her fault. But it takes everything I have to get that out.
I have similar conversations with my S10. I think you handled yours well - you said the right things. The anger at W is hard to push down, but it sounds like you didn't let that come out with your D6.
This really is so hard on the kids. It's going to impact them the rest of their lives. Saying "they'll adapt" is like saying a dog will adapt if you cut off one of his legs. "Hey look, he can still stand."
Originally Posted By: dusty70
Ww and I had to attend a mandatory seminar regarding co-parenting and how to make our children's transition into this mess easier on them. Listening to children express their feelings was even tougher on me than when we told our children about the impending divorce. My WW was balling her eyes out, first sign of emotion from her!
Interesting seminar, dusty. I take it that it was it court mandated. Weird that this was the thing that finally got to your WW.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
When I texted STBXW that I wasn't going to Germany, and didn't need her to keep D, I got back a "why not" and later "and btw, I wasn't offering to keep my own daughter I hate the way you make some of the **** you say sound." I felt like she was doing me a favor, so I was trying to be grateful. Damned if you do, damned if you don't I guess. I apologized for making her feel that way.
I kind of understand where shes coming from. Next time, Id focus your communication more on you. "Im not going to go on the trip anymore so I would like to revert back to the normal schedule where D will be with me XYZ days. I appreciate you offering to help me on the days where I was going to be gone."
Its a little nitpicky, sure. But Id say it keeps your comments about you and not about her; that takes away any ammo that she has to start these kinds of..."discussions"
I'll try something like that next time, Kaizen. It seems extremely verbose, but who knows, maybe it will make for some peace.
D asked me this morning where she was going this weekend, and I told her she was going to mommy. She got upset. and said she didn't want to go, especially not for so long (she had a four day weekend with STBXW for labor day). I told her it was for two days this week, and she calmed down, a bit, but still wasn't especially happy. I told her that mommy loved her and missed her a lot, and wanted to see her, and she calmed down some more and said ok.
How do I deal with this? I feel like I need to (try to) talk to STBXW about this and tell her, "hey, I think you need to know about this, and the two of us might need to sit down with D and talk to her" but I really don't know what the heck we would say, or if I should even talk to her about this before court next week. I also feel like "maybe something is wrong over there and that's why D doesn't want to go." What the heck do I even do about that? I try not to pry into what D does with her mom. None of my business, and I don't want D to feel like she's caught in the middle of things. I'm pretty sure she's been told that she's not allowed to tell me things or she'll get in trouble, and I don't want to feed into THAT, either.
Anyone have good suggestions on how to get her to talk about what's bothering her without making her feel pressured, or like she's having to pick between us?
