Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
So really, I need to get myself mentally back to the very first day, at minimum
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Definitely shouldn't have asked about the divorce party. I did a lot of similar comments in the beginning, I don't know why, but it shows pursuit and can lead to other unproductive reactions.
The milestones hurt: BD, separation, papers filed, final D; but I think the real timeline is the fog tunnel. That's what has to happen for any reconciliation to take place. Anything that happens in the fog has less meaning and permanence.
M: 41 W: 41 Married 2003 2 boys 9 & 6 Bomb Dropped May 2017
Definitely shouldn't have asked about the divorce party. I did a lot of similar comments in the beginning, I don't know why, but it shows pursuit and can lead to other unproductive reactions.
The milestones hurt: BD, separation, papers filed, final D; but I think the real timeline is the fog tunnel. That's what has to happen for any reconciliation to take place. Anything that happens in the fog has less meaning and permanence.
Kylo, I totally agree about the divorce party. I won't make that mistake again
Side note: I GAL'd tonight. I went out for drinks with a new person. She is an INTJ vs my INTP. I was completely comfortable with her from the get go. We had very intelligent discussions on a variety of topics. She is also finalizing her divorce. She showed me a great deal of respect mentally, physically, and emotionally. She respected my boundaries and made me feel completely at ease. Nothing physical happened at all, but it was great fun. Socializing is a hit in the pocketbook, but great for the spirit.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Definitely shouldn't have asked about the divorce party. I did a lot of similar comments in the beginning, I don't know why, but it shows pursuit and can lead to other unproductive reactions.
The milestones hurt: BD, separation, papers filed, final D; but I think the real timeline is the fog tunnel. That's what has to happen for any reconciliation to take place. Anything that happens in the fog has less meaning and permanence.
Kylo, I totally agree about the divorce party. I won't make that mistake again
Side note: I GAL'd tonight. I went out for drinks with a new person. She is an INTJ vs my INTP. I was completely comfortable with her from the get go. We had very intelligent discussions on a variety of topics. She is also finalizing her divorce. She showed me a great deal of respect mentally, physically, and emotionally. She respected my boundaries and made me feel completely at ease. Nothing physical happened at all, but it was great fun. Socializing is a hit in the pocketbook, but great for the spirit.
Dating is not GAL..
A new person respected your boundaries? how? How did you even get onto the topic of boundaries when you have only just met? seems very strange reading that.
This is the last thing you need right now. This is not going to get better until you get your head into the game because at the minute you are all over the place.
Explain how she showed you respect? mentally and emotionally?
I agree with Benni. You are dating already? Even though you feel good, if your main goal is to recon, you are only harming your chances. It is REALLY easy to get addicted and start an EA in a situation like yours. Limerance is highly addictive. This could potentially cause a lot of harm. You could end up in a rebound relationship. Go out to date when you are ready to, don't use dating to "get better". Get better and then date when you are ready to continue with your life.
You seem really codependent based on this... not good. Become an individual again. Meet other people in completely non-date matters. Get some new male friends too.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
I definitely did not consider it nor do nor do I now consider it a date. This is a person who is in a very very similar situation as myself that I met through a mutual friend and we decided to go out and socialize and talk about our current situation and what we're doing to move Beyond when I move on and our life. What I mean by respecting boundaries is that she didn't fry when I didn't offer up certain information she didn't invade my personal space she didn't flirt with me she didn't try and touch me we just had good conversation and we talked about what was going on in our life and respect to codependency I can understand why some of you might get that impression but I do not feel that I'm codependent on anyone I've also made new male friends that I've spent time talking to
I'm definitely not ready to date in any form and I'm definitely not ready to form emotional attachments to new people but I do not see the harm and making new friends and spending time with them especially when I have explicitly stated that I have no intention of being physical or emotional with anyone that I'm still working and wanting to save my relationship with my wife and that right now all I want is a dinner companion and someone to talk with
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
You being open to discuss about your marital problems to someone from opposite sex who has the same situation in life is probably the most dangerous scenario. Just be absolutely sure it does not turn into an EA. Having someone validating and supporting is highly addictive and it can turn into an emotional affair before you know it. Trust me.
If I was you, I would avoid it.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
You being open to discuss about your marital problems to someone from opposite sex who has the same situation in life is probably the most dangerous scenario. Just be absolutely sure it does not turn into an EA. Having someone validating and supporting is highly addictive and it can turn into an emotional affair before you know it. Trust me.
If I was you, I would avoid it.
lcause
I definitely see your point now, and thank you for framing it that way.
I will definitely adjust and not do that anymore. I just felt that it would be good to find other people in my situation that can listen and understand what I am going through.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Jmstl - I wouldn't say that this is wrong in the sense that the LBS in this situation wants that connection. They're not getting it from their spouse so when they get it from someone else, as lcause put it, it creates a dangerous situation and can easily turn to an EA.
The reason I said it's not wrong is because wanting to connect with others is natural, it is just not the right timing as you are not approaching this from a position of strength.
The advice up there from Kylo about the fog tunnel timeline and Benni's serious 2x4s - really keep them in mind because they are 100% right.
That's why DB is turning inwards and focusing on yourself and getting help from a professional if needed to move that forward. You have to empower yourself and heal and be strong enough that you can make choices that are truly rooted in your sense of confidence and self-worth.
