Wow. Just talked to my Dad on the phone about some financial stuff and totally fell apart. First time I've cried about any of this. Was trying to keep a lid on it, make it go away and focus on other things, but the stress/anxiety is just too much.
JDUB, I just caught up on your thread. Sorry you're here, but you'll get some great advice.
Totally falling apart is a very normal part of the process. Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. Take the lid off and let it come out.
With these waves of emotion, you may feel the urge to pursue your W. Don't give in. Keep your distance and try to project an image of someone who's going to be fine no matter what.
Am I right in guessing that you never lost it in front of your W? If so, good for you! Most of us were not that fortunate.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Hang in there bro.....I cried like a baby for the first 1.5 mths. Trust me it gets easier and it is ok to feel the emotion. It is part of the process and is eventually what fuels you to GAL and move on.
Holding, I never lost it in front of her...mostly because I'm in so much disbelief. I haven't resorted to begging, but I have tried to talk her off of the ledge in the past, which I'm not doing right now. I'm not talking about the R at all.
Was just talking to my religious leader, and he observed that perhaps she's waiting for me to just coordinate the entire D. There's something to that. I'm good at organizing events and things, but I will not organize this because it's not what I want. She can't browbeat me into moving this forward.
Joseph9, thanks for the kind words. This was a really hard day. Anxiety just grew and grew. Really hoping to find some peace at some point. Sandi's comments in her thread to the newcomer LBHs kind of struck a nerve tonight...this isn't the person I married, and that makes me really sad all of a sudden.
I am trying to wrap my head around saying she feels like sex is rape, in one sentence......and talking about an open M in the next.
Sandi, one other item about this. When our son (15) was born, W had some big-time tearing in her ladyparts and as a result has had a dramatic fall-off in feeling along with some unexpected pain if things aren't put in place just right. She's said to me over the years that the lack of feeling during sex reminds her of what she's lost, and then she gets sad, and then doesn't even want to think about sex. And when I push, she pushes back saying I'm not hearing her...and when she relents, that's where she feels kind of violated. From my end, I can tell you that mercy sex isn't the height of awesome.
Sounds like this ain't normal. The discussion about an open marriage was really a way for us to stay together and not worry about me bringing up sex. I do think that she's deeply frustrated by how things have developed too, but doesn't know what to do about it other than fantasize which at least soothes her mind. We have not brought all of this up so directly in MC.
Quick question folks. Was with my IC this morning. If one of the rules is no R talk, how do you set a boundary on a potential EA? If you don't stand up for yourself, how is S supposed to get the message?
Downside is that they find a fast exit because they are pissed at being confronted I guess. Is the plan to stall? At some point it has to come up. Right?
My situation is this: M for almost 17 years, 2 kids (S15, D12). My parents had a blowout D when I was 14-16, both parents totally checked out. Was awful and I have always had the position that I don't want to pass on that legacy/pain to my kids, no matter what.
Same here. I always told my W that too. It was a rude awakening to discover it only takes one to break up a M though.
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W is very left-brained; grew up with two parents who couldn't handle emotions, so she is very passive-aggressive and lets resentments build and build. Past year got off antidepressants which she was on for 10+ years).
I'm curious why she got off of them? After being on them that long she probably should have stayed on them. My W has been on A/D's for 10+ years as well. She tried going off of them once and it was a disaster. By the way have you read any of the recent studies that long term A/D use can cause people to lose their "love" feelings, especially for their spouse and even kids? I suspect it's why a lot of us end up here.
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She told me in late 2015, after her mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, that she wanted a D. I told her that we need to try to work on things. We've been to MC but every time there's a disagreement, she brings up D as her default position. Mom died about a year ago, and W goes in waves of being very kind and outright hostile to me. Blames me for everything, looks for reasons to justify her angry positions.
Yes she does. This is why you have to give a WAS time and space. They've got to figure out their spouse is NOT the source of all their problems like they think, but they can only figure that out on their own, and it takes quite some time.
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Sex is in the crapper. Hasn't been good in a while, but it's pretty much non-existent now. When I bring it up she gets furious and tells me how much she hates me and wants a D, marriage is over.
Yes that's the way she feels right now and you need to start respecting that rather than applying so much pressure to her. Every time you talk about working on the M, every time you bring up counseling, every time you ask for sex, you are applying pressure. Pressure is the LAST thing a WAS wants from the LBS. It just pushes them farther and farther away as you've noticed.
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Asked her for a lunch date on Wednesday, she spent 2 hours telling me it's over, she is so angry
Of course she is, because you won't stop with the pressure! No more asking her out on dates. You've got to pull back!
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I told her that I'm not on-board, this is not something I support.
Absolutely the wrong thing to say. Read the sticky thread on validation. You have got to quit with all the pressure! She says she hates you and can't stand being married, you VALIDATE. Validating is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ explaining/ arguing/ etc. it is simply acknowledging her feelings, which so far you have not done at all. She says she hates you, you respond "I can tell you hate me, I'm sorry I've done things to make you feel that way." If you can master validation it takes a lot of the pressure and anger and resentment out of the R.
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This weekend, she has been as pleasant as can be. We went kayaking twice together, out to breakfast afterwards, lots of family activities, went to a party last night with a ton of our friends, etc. Hasn't brought up D at all.
Good! If you can learn not to bring it up then she may just postpone it indefinitely. But every time you bring it up guess what, she will be full steam ahead. Don't think she's changed her mind simply because she's not talking about it, she hasn't. And she won't for quite some time.
Originally Posted By: JDub
W already thinks I'm too controlling and sees efforts to improve myself as manipulation (it isn't of course).
Oh but it IS. What is your motivation right now? To get her back! You ARE trying to control the situation and manipulate her. It's why you keep asking for sex, keep talking about the R, keep asking her on dates. Because reconciling is what YOU want. All this pressure you are applying is telling her that you don't care what she wants, what YOU want is all that matters to you. She will see everything you do as tricks to get her back, which at this point they are. So you've got to let go, step back, give her time and space, put what YOU want on hold, LISTEN and VALIDATE. Focus on you and the kids, remove her from the equation. Become the best -you- that you can be. Become the spouse only a fool would leave. And do that consistently over a long period of time so that she comes to believe the changes are real.
The short answer is, setting boundaries and R talk are two different things. For most of us, the EA/PA boundary was implicit in our marriage vows so it's largely a matter of being clear that there will be consequences if your spouse goes over that boundary.
