Still here. Still not detached...

[25yearsmlc]

I just have to vent and maybe bring up a topic that's controversial and/or doesn't get enough consideration.

Divorce is embarrassing.

Yes it is. Not that it should be but it's hardly something we like advertising.

After a 35 year marriage ends, the marriage that others assumed was fine and many of them asked me m questions over the years and now it IS embarrassing. Especially b/c it's not a "Gywneth Paltrow Chris Martin - conscious uncoupling" but a huge upheaval filled with painful moments and stunning discoveries of betrayal.

You will eventually stop reeling.

Yes, I'm quite familiar with the concepts of detachment, dropping the rope, and GAL, and I even try to practice these occasionally

But the life event of a family breaking apart ripples through all aspects of my life and the lives of everyone I am connected to. Meanwhile, nobody wants to talk to me about it.

no one is going to bring it up, but are you sure nobody WANTS to? I definitely think it's up to you to bring it up. Not in their faces dumping it on them,

but when they ask how you are, (even if you think it's just them being polite,)

you are allowed to be authentic.

You can say "just getting through it, rough road but I'm managing the speed bumps" or some phrase like that which opens the conversation if they're open to it AND doesn't sound like you are falling apart.


Throughout my entire life, every milestone event was an opportunity for friends and family to reach out and connect with me on some level. -sad traumatic events - including funerals for example, DO make people uncomfortable. At my mom's funeral many people said useless things and I had to remind myself that they meant well.

Now here I am going through another major life event and nobody will even mention it. It's uncomfortable for them. It's uncomfortable for THEM?!


yes it is. Hard to see others in pain and there is a fear that divorce is sort of contagious. It's very common to see this, so don't take it personally. One of my brothers has invited me to his house twice in the past year...when I see him at gatherings he's concerned for me but not if it means he will be inconveniences b/c he's funny and smart but selfish. That is just true.

When h posted FB posts of him with OW saying SHE is the 'love of his life" and we are still m and it was VERY soon after we separated...it deeply wounded me and I will never see him in the same light. But I told my kids the truth about how I felt (they saw his posts and were not happy) and I always finished with something like "But no worries. I'll be fine" and I think that allows them to express their feelings without believing that they have to solve my problems or make me feel good.

Does that make sense? I suggest consoling them or letting them know that you WILL be fine, even if you hurt at the moment. That way they don't feel a burden on their shoulders but it allows you to be real and for them to lend support.



Ok so maybe I don't expect to ever hear from anyone on my W's side of the family anymore. They have to pick a side even if they don't want to. But do people really expect me to initiate a phone call or an email saying, "Hey I'm really going through some $hit right now and I'd really like to talk about it with you..."

Yes they do - and You can pick up a phone and ask them about going to a movie or drinks or dinner. NOT calling them to say you want to vent or dump. Very few people will respond to that well. It's scary and they do not know what to say.

I was very down in the dumps last week (and it keeps raining! OMG) I knew I had to snap out of it.

So I invited friends "out to play" and go to lunch, got a manicure and later on I went to dinner with another friend. I reached out and Yes we discussed the divorce.

It was good to vent BUT we also had a lot of laughs, and I made sure to reach out to them about their lives b/c we all have challenges and even though the divorce feels like the worst thing around, truly - ALL of my friends have or will have a deep setback in their lives too OR they have divorced as well.

Note that half of marriages end in divorce, it's not like our situation is the only one. And I really think there are people who fear it will affect their own m.

Last, many assume you don't want to discuss the most painful experience of your life, and that if you did, you'd do the reaching out.

My friend L unexpectedly lost her 22 y/o son last fall (undiagnosed heart problem).
That blow will never really go away...
She told me that ZERO co-workers reached out to her after the week of the funeral. Not one. And she's a popular loving woman who had worked there for 8 years.

I ran into one of those co-workers and they asked me how the L was doing! They do care, but their discomfort was paralyzing to them.

Very disappointing & the coworker also said "we figured we'd reach out when L returns to work. "

Wrong, as my friend L never went back to that job. She's still hurt, btw.

Again, try not to take their inability personally.




My separation is public knowledge but other than my mom, my IC, one close friend, and this board, I'm dealing with this alone. No calls or emails from friends/family asking how I'm doing. We had a picnic at my mom's yesterday and it was the first time that I've seen several family members since the separation. But people treated me like I had a disease, casual conversation only.

Not to rag on you, but Do you feel like you have done any reaching out? I'm asking.

Use the polite question they'll ask about how you are, to be real but without unloading.

For instance, at my class reunion, where it was not appropriate to monopolize someone for long, I made arrangements to reconnect later in the weekend with several friends.

But when I asked one old friend whom I had not seen since high school, what she had been up to, she said "Pain and despair" (I swear that's what she said).

I assume she had just had her heart broken but I wanted to flee. That's a lot to blurt out in a social situation, and it was presented in such a hopeless way, it's important we show that we are going to make it, but that we appreciate their reaching out.

I told my friends from last week that I appreciate them a lot. And I do.


And now that the school year is starting, I'm encountering a whole new slew of parents and teachers who will eventually need to know about the separation. And it's something that I'll have to bring up in response to some awkward question like, "Did you do anything fun this summer."

Keep the focus on how the kids are handling the "changes at home", not you. Let the teachers know and give them ways to contact you if the kids act our or drop their grades.
That's safer for them and it makes more sense than putting the focus on ourselves at the kids school. Make sense?


I know I shouldn't expect much else, but it hurts to feel so isolated in this journey. It makes me wonder if perhaps MY actions toward my family/friends over the past 10 years have been selfish and lacking and this is my payback. You know, the whole "emotional bank account" metaphor.


Worth looking at.

Maybe it's a way for you to grow from this. When people like my friend who lost her son and others who have cancer or are in our situations,

we tend to realize that our lives can be turned upside down overnight. And we appreciate the people in our lives that much more.

Look, I'm smart enough to know that I can't depend on anyone but myself, and I draw my strength from my kids and my commitment to being the best father possible. But I spend WAY too much time in my own head and I really thought that friends and family were going to play a more significant role in my GAL. The fact that they don't really hurts.

I never assumed they would be my way of GAL More like back up b.c I need to do NEW things, things I had always wanted to do b/c I don't want to fall back on my premarital life (long ago)- but I understand your feelings of isolation.

There is a support group for divorcing people that has been remarkably comforting btw. I think it's national and it's called "DivorceCare". Look into it. Also churches and teams and volunteer work would help you.

I did feel a tad surprised that I wasn't included in everything my childhood friends were doing. But i now realize they have their lives, jobs and their own problems are not small. We have to Put ourselves out there. More than is comfortable.


Next month 4 friends and i are going to visit a very sick friend at the beach. It'll be fun and reconnecting, but there's an underlying reason for going .

I think I need to branch out and hook up with some support groups to make new friends. I'm sure there are other dads like me who want to talk...

yes there are