She'll never see what she's missing without you because you told her you'd always be there for you. She can pursue other relationships and keep you doing things for her that she needs from you. Great setup for her and zero incentive to change anything. You should have 180'd her and shown her what it would really be like without you.
Is it too late, or do you think it's possible to still 180 her and let her feel what it is like without me?
It's never too late. Even after a divorce it's not too late. Millions of divorced couples end up remarrying their ex's. You can't control anything she does but you have 100% control over yourself. Become the best/most attractive version of yourself you've ever been. A catch. A prize. Either she'll want you back or many other women will want you. Trust me on that one, I know.
She'll never see what she's missing without you because you told her you'd always be there for you. She can pursue other relationships and keep you doing things for her that she needs from you. Great setup for her and zero incentive to change anything. You should have 180'd her and shown her what it would really be like without you.
Is it too late, or do you think it's possible to still 180 her and let her feel what it is like without me?
It's never too late. Even after a divorce it's not too late. Millions of divorced couples end up remarrying their ex's. You can't control anything she does but you have 100% control over yourself. Become the best/most attractive version of yourself you've ever been. A catch. A prize. Either she'll want you back or many other women will want you. Trust me on that one, I know.
So, do I go back to setting up hard boundaries and being distant in communication then?
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
W came over to drop off S. She texted before and asked if we could talk about a couple of things. I said yes, but I was nervous as to what her agenda was. She came over, but I did not let her into the apartment. I waited for her to arrive outside and we talked there. This was the boundary I had set.
and we mostly went over kid stuff. I apologized for my tone on Sunday and said "I know this is hard on everyone, and I am just trying to navigate how to deal with it" She smiled and said it was okay, and that she understood.
She then asked if I was still okay going to DW as a family, or if I wanted to take the kids on a separate vacation. I said that I wanted to go as a family. I said I understood that it was still far away, our relationship will obviously be different, but that we were both amicable responsible adults, and saw no reason that we couldn't be together for a week, and said I felt that we would actually enjoy our time together with each other.
She brought up the D date, and what paperwork we would need.
She asked if the schedule was good still. I told her that it was, and said "I enjoy having weekends to myself, probably like you do." She said "I would not say I enjoy it, I am just trying to keep myself busy" This to me says there is still a lot of conflict in her.
She mentioned that the anger and resentment she has is directed toward herself, and that she tried to keep it going for so long. I validated and said I understood. I added that I wished that she had come to me sooner, as I thought things were getting better, as I had heard no complaints. She said that was because in hindsight, she stopped caring. I said that is confusing, because if she did not let me know there was a problem, then how could I know that something needed to be worked on?
We talked about how we were going to handle dating. She said there were a few men she was talking to but she had not actually met anyone IRL. She said she had to disable her dating profile a few times, due to being overwhelmed and being treated like fresh meat. I gave her some tips on how she could handle those. I told her I had no intention of deleting mine and she should not delete hers, and we can coexist on the same site peacefully. And if she did not want to see my profile, she could just hide it.
She said she would not actually 'date' until /I/ was ready, as in she wouldn't date until I started to. (To be honest, that is a little unfair to me. What if I never 'date', does that mean she won't?)
I asked if she was going to get her tattoo covered up (we each have one of our anniversary date) She said she was, and had an appt to get it done that day, but had gotten a sunburn. She said she was not trying to erase me, like I thought she was. She said she wasn't sure to get it before (it was her suggestion, btw) and had convinced herself to do it. I told her I had no intention of getting rid of mine, as it was a part of who I was and a memory I would cherish. And that if anyone I date has a problem with that, they aren't the type of person I would want to see.
This whole talk lasted about an hour. It was very calm and productive, imo.
She told me that for a while she had a lot of walls up with me, but those are slowly coming down over time.
At the end I said "Given how well this went today, and how we can have honest and open talks like this, if you are comfortable with it, next time you bring the kids over, you are welcome to come into the apartment. She started to tear up, and came over and gave me a HUG!
Later we texted a bit, with me giving telling her how to protect herself online. She responded that I had to be careful too as women are sneaky and mischeivious (sp?)
Told her that as the mother of my children and my friend, that I will always be there for her, and that if she is ever in a situation she does not feel comfortable in, or anyone threatens her, to let me know, as I will 'stick a knife in their f'in throat' before I let any harm come to her.
I probably totally screwed up all the DB methods, but to be honest, I feel a little more at peace today with the situation.
I still want to DB and work on the relationship. I feel this may have been a very small step in the right direction. Even though she said there is no chance we would ever get back together, I think she see how well we can be together (at least as coparents right now)
Wowzers..
Before I say anything.. dont be too down on things as we have ALL been through this so we are no better than you.. just a bit further down the line in some aspects.
I made very similar mistakes but IMHO this is about as anti DB as you can get.
The vibe I get from this is that you are so laid back about everything and dont care each way and no matter what happens ill be your safety net.
None of that will gain you any respect nor will it make her view you in the manner you want a partner to do, your thoughts about this situation and the reality of it are probably polar opposites.
You need to drop that rope and fast. Stop the texting unless about kids and keep it short and factual when you do. If you have get into a certain mindset before you meet her - what helped me was thinking my W was my neighbor, just be cheerful stick to facts and absolutely no expectations at all.
W came over to drop off S. She texted before and asked if we could talk about a couple of things. I said yes, but I was nervous as to what her agenda was. She came over, but I did not let her into the apartment. I waited for her to arrive outside and we talked there. This was the boundary I had set.
and we mostly went over kid stuff. I apologized for my tone on Sunday and said "I know this is hard on everyone, and I am just trying to navigate how to deal with it" She smiled and said it was okay, and that she understood.
She then asked if I was still okay going to DW as a family, or if I wanted to take the kids on a separate vacation. I said that I wanted to go as a family. I said I understood that it was still far away, our relationship will obviously be different, but that we were both amicable responsible adults, and saw no reason that we couldn't be together for a week, and said I felt that we would actually enjoy our time together with each other.
She brought up the D date, and what paperwork we would need.
She asked if the schedule was good still. I told her that it was, and said "I enjoy having weekends to myself, probably like you do." She said "I would not say I enjoy it, I am just trying to keep myself busy" This to me says there is still a lot of conflict in her.
She mentioned that the anger and resentment she has is directed toward herself, and that she tried to keep it going for so long. I validated and said I understood. I added that I wished that she had come to me sooner, as I thought things were getting better, as I had heard no complaints. She said that was because in hindsight, she stopped caring. I said that is confusing, because if she did not let me know there was a problem, then how could I know that something needed to be worked on?
We talked about how we were going to handle dating. She said there were a few men she was talking to but she had not actually met anyone IRL. She said she had to disable her dating profile a few times, due to being overwhelmed and being treated like fresh meat. I gave her some tips on how she could handle those. I told her I had no intention of deleting mine and she should not delete hers, and we can coexist on the same site peacefully. And if she did not want to see my profile, she could just hide it.
She said she would not actually 'date' until /I/ was ready, as in she wouldn't date until I started to. (To be honest, that is a little unfair to me. What if I never 'date', does that mean she won't?)
I asked if she was going to get her tattoo covered up (we each have one of our anniversary date) She said she was, and had an appt to get it done that day, but had gotten a sunburn. She said she was not trying to erase me, like I thought she was. She said she wasn't sure to get it before (it was her suggestion, btw) and had convinced herself to do it. I told her I had no intention of getting rid of mine, as it was a part of who I was and a memory I would cherish. And that if anyone I date has a problem with that, they aren't the type of person I would want to see.
This whole talk lasted about an hour. It was very calm and productive, imo.
She told me that for a while she had a lot of walls up with me, but those are slowly coming down over time.
At the end I said "Given how well this went today, and how we can have honest and open talks like this, if you are comfortable with it, next time you bring the kids over, you are welcome to come into the apartment. She started to tear up, and came over and gave me a HUG!
Later we texted a bit, with me giving telling her how to protect herself online. She responded that I had to be careful too as women are sneaky and mischeivious (sp?)
Told her that as the mother of my children and my friend, that I will always be there for her, and that if she is ever in a situation she does not feel comfortable in, or anyone threatens her, to let me know, as I will 'stick a knife in their f'in throat' before I let any harm come to her.
I probably totally screwed up all the DB methods, but to be honest, I feel a little more at peace today with the situation.
I still want to DB and work on the relationship. I feel this may have been a very small step in the right direction. Even though she said there is no chance we would ever get back together, I think she see how well we can be together (at least as coparents right now)
Wowzers..
Before I say anything.. dont be too down on things as we have ALL been through this so we are no better than you.. just a bit further down the line in some aspects.
I made very similar mistakes but IMHO this is about as anti DB as you can get.
The vibe I get from this is that you are so laid back about everything and dont care each way and no matter what happens ill be your safety net.
None of that will gain you any respect nor will it make her view you in the manner you want a partner to do, your thoughts about this situation and the reality of it are probably polar opposites.
You need to drop that rope and fast. Stop the texting unless about kids and keep it short and factual when you do. If you have get into a certain mindset before you meet her - what helped me was thinking my W was my neighbor, just be cheerful stick to facts and absolutely no expectations at all.
Right
Thanks Benni. A big part of our issue was communication, I guess I feel like me being cold and distant and vague is just more of the same. I want her to see that I can be an open honest communicator. I want her to see that, and it is kind of hard for her to see that if we aren't speaking.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Benni, it is not that I don't care one way or the other.
I VERY much care about being with her and having a loving relationship, but my analytical/logical side is saying see it for what it really is, and try to make the best of it.
But I know I need to drop the rope.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Seeing it for what it is - accepting that she doesnt want you. its over and its over because she is not happy.
There you go. Thats the truth..
You, thinking like you, got you into this mess in the first place
You have to go inside yourself and see if she has a point. If she has you address it. Not for her. But for you.
That should be your focus. not on interacting with her. you are more important to yourself than she is to you.
Once you fall in love with yourself that way i.e. (spending time on you) you will exist without thinking and just be yourself.. and you will attract the right people..and you wont even be trying.
Seeing it for what it is - accepting that she doesnt want you. its over and its over because she is not happy.
There you go. Thats the truth..
You, thinking like you, got you into this mess in the first place
You have to go inside yourself and see if she has a point. If she has you address it. Not for her. But for you.
That should be your focus. not on interacting with her. you are more important to yourself than she is to you.
Once you fall in love with yourself that way i.e. (spending time on you) you will exist without thinking and just be yourself.. and you will attract the right people..and you wont even be trying.
Benni,
She DOES have a point. I have previously acknowledged that, and sought out help for it. Not to win her back, but in the end she is RIGHT. Whether these are together or not, these are issues I want to address (Hence the Therapy, attempts at career advancement, my attempts to be a more nuturing person to my kids, etc)
Right, it is over because she is not happy.
But I do know that I had made her happy at one point in our lives, and I see absolutely no reason I can't do so again, but this time better.
We have both grown and changed over the years, but I know we can still at some point and a lot of work, be happy together.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Ultimately, I feel that if you still show a strong self and don't act like a total loser (e.g. start calling your ex wh.. bit.. etc. - basically what tons and tons of people do), anything you do in 3-6 months after BD is not going to really matter because what goes in from the other ear comes out from the another. You didn't "lose" her by saying you will always be there because those are just WORDS. You can show by actions that you AREN'T always there for her and thus give her the possibility to miss you. This realization will take months or years.
So if your idea is to pursue recon, the quicker you forget this (do NOT mope on your words) and hop back on your DB-gal-horse, the better.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
