25yearsMLC - 10 yrs Later I File D (pt 5)

[JujuB]

I can't talk about these POS men anymore. I just can't. They've thrown away amazing women for trashy ones. They have abandoned their own flesh and blood. They have thought only of themselves while we have despaired. Too much pain, too much destruction, too much focus.

^^^

I agree. It is really tough reading about these guys that are capable of this. WTF is wrong with them? WTF is wrong with them? WTF is wrong with them? I really don't get it. Choosing another women and her kids over your own? It is twisted. It is gross. And I just don't get it.

Many of the women that post on these forums are some of the most intelligent, hardworking, loyal, funny, insightful, and clever women I have ever come across. And devoted moms to boot.

And that's why after being removed from the pain for a little bit, they usually thrive.

[25yearsmlc]

Check out a new book called The End of Alzheimer's. The author is Dr Bredesen and much of his groundbreaking work with Alzheimer's patients would probably also apply to stroke and other brain injury patients.

I'm dealing with my 85 year old mom who fell and had a concussion - she didn't have dementia before the fall but is showing signs since - she's not aware of how often she repeats a question I've already answered. I'm hoping she continues to improve, but it's definitely a problem.

You sound 100% but is it possible that your kids are picking up subtle signs of residual damage?

It's always possible. I know they noticed things at first, and I don't dispute that. Hell, I noticed things and waived rights to a joint account that h gave me while I was clearly impaired. (Yeah, nice...)

Good news is that I use metaphors a lot and per my T, apparently patients with dementia do not use metaphors. (So I guess you didn't hit a home run with that, KML. Get it??) So if there's damage or medication side effects (most likely the cause IF there are lingering issues), it's not alzheimers, thank God.

My son asked to speak with my T and I consented.

So they spoke (in private) and later on, he seemed appeased. Less worried.

As I understand it, our response to a lot of stress does affect our concentration,
even when we are totally healthy.

And I had also a poorly timed major health setback that absolutely affected my cognition and short term memory. Add to that the new medication, which has some side effects too (vimpat). I definitely feel that.

But I'm more used to it now. Thank God.

Geez God only knows how folks in these ordeals carry on at work. Being without a job has been a blessing in some ways and probably shook my confidence in my search.
(Hmm, I see that now.)

Sometimes I wonder about half of m's ending in Divorce - I could have surgery from someone who is only half there. :Maybe we should ask all doctors and lawyers (and pilots for that matter) how things are at home.

I feel like I'm almost 100%

And me at 90% ain't too bad. It's all relative.

But thanks for asking. I am seeing a neuro psychologist for testing just to figure anything out before the hearing, so I can make sure it's addressed on the off chance I'm somehow not as brilliant and witty as possible.

I will say that it's extremely disturbing to have this type of event. I do have flashbacks of the hospital and recall wishing my arm had been broken or some other part of me, b/c not being able to plug in what I wanted to say or feeling so cloudy (like stoned but not in a good way) was like losing my identity.

At one point I thought of a joke to make, but I could not say it. But I remember thinking "hey, I'm in here, and I'm still ME".

Made me wonder about people who have brain injuries and are still in there, but can't express it well. In the ambulance I was saying several things but my sister said the only word that was decipherable was "seriously??"

I can't speak for your mom, obviously. But I'll never see brain injuries as meaning the person is not there anymore. Very odd and surreal.

FWIW, don't give up on your mom.

((( )))

[Treasur]

Easy to forget (until we experience it) that as human beings we are whole systems. Easy to underestimate the effects of stress, grief, loss, change and physical strain on our brain's capacity. I'm a really smart woman and during this crisis I have had plenty of times when my brain has just been out to lunch. Impaired short-term memory, problems with concentration, difficulty reading, slower reactions....last year I had a regular run of everything from car accidents to losing my purse. Even found my phone in the fridge twice!

[kml]

I'm not suggesting that you have Alzheimer's - I'm suggesting that the treatments in the book might help your brain recover fully from the stroke.

I have a full court press going on my mom - neurofeedback, methyl b12 shots, methylfolate (she's homozygous for MTHFR ), various other supplements to help her brain and more.

I was going to suggest the neuropsych testing, if it shows residual issues it might help you in your divorce.

[25yearsmlc]

indeed. I hear you and btw, I took no offense by your remarks. Maybe a tiny streak of resistance from my ego.

Yes, the tests - I've called 5 neuro psychologists (PhD, not MD) and so far my insurance company won't pay any of it. And it's $1500-1800 for the tests. Ouch.

If you know any near DC, I'm all ears.

Yikes, it's in just over a month. Oh, not sure if I mentioned this, but h's lawyer filed a vocational evaluation for me in CA in April.

(SIDENOTE I asked to pay for part of it IF I could stay in LA with my kids for the connecting flight. As my L was talking to H's, I got a ticket for the flight in my email and it was NOT what I asked for. H paid more, but did NOT give me an extra day for connecting in LA where the kids are.

*I was not asking for ANY increased costs to him. But I was told h "didn't want to pay for a week's vacation"....wait, what??? What crazy brain filter is he wearing?? I'll call it "The colander of evil". You'd think HE had the seizures. )


ANYHOW, the report came back from HIS expert witness in May. So far, they are not using it for court. It seems his lawyer's assertion (from h, no doubt) that I can "easily earn more than h", is not supported by his own expert. Nor is his demand/suggestion that I relocate to Texas b/c that is where I'm licensed. His expert thinks it makes more sense for me to be near a support system personally AND professionally. Like I have said a hundred times...

I wish it was possible for me to "easily earn more" than h! So far, the cost of that expert for h, is just more money he spent to annoy me, model selfish idiocy to our kids, and to no legal avail. Sheesh...


Happy Labor Day, be glad you're not actually in labor, etc.

[kml]

What crazy brain filter is he wearing?? I'll call it "The colander of evil". You'd think HE had the seizures. )

Lol. Yup - my ex insisted that I reduce the life insurance policy on him (which I was paying for, to insure my alimony payments) from our existing policy of 500k to just 250k. He didn't want me to "profit" from his death! Lol.

[25yearsmlc]

KML

re life insurance, h cancelled the policy we got him when he deployed. And for which I WAS PAYING from my checking account.

It cost him nothing to have it, and yet he took the time to call up USAA and cancel it. Their notes say "member was informed that wife pays premiums" and he still insisted on cancelling it. His L told mine that "h swears up & down he's paying it"

so my L showed him the bank records proving my payment history, complete with account/policies numbers, etc.

We live 3500 miles from each other - almost as much distance as is possible to both be in the US.

Now, the only policy available is thru his pension which literally costs twice the policy I had. I'm going to insist on him paying all of the premiums for 5 years, b/c I should not have to pay any increased costs due to his greed (and fear?? Vindictiveness?)

There are just a few things I feel the need to insist on, maybe fall on my sword for, and this is one of them. The other is not signing anything until "we" have filed for taxes for 2016, which are again, late. And no, I don't have the W2s or 1099's he has. H has ALL the paperwork for taxes...

Let me know if I'm missing any other "Key" element b/c I'm not going to fight for the sake of fighting. But I'd be a moron to ignore the alarm bells going off in my head now.

BALANCING OUT - the important from the unimportant / and what we control versus what we do not.

On one hand, I know we are not supposed to project our own values onto them b/c we are not going to understand them (they don't share our values! If they did, we would not be here!) We will remain confused by them if we project our moral compasses on someone without that, or with justifications we don't even know or want to know, probably.

But then, there are certain actions that stop me in my tracks. WTF???

On the life insurance, If it's ME who is the villain and h the hero in his narrative, which I presume, why not just change the beneficiaries to the kids? Why punish them? (But he is punishing them by having NC with them, now that I think of it).

Okay okay, time for my mantra from Caroline Myss - I'm going to have to say this every day a few times. Really.



"Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know, and **constant wondering is constant suffering."

[Maybell]

25, how could your H have cancelled it if you were the owner?

[25yearsmlc]

the person who is insured is the owner, not the payor and not the beneficiaries.

When you buy insurance on your brother or h or anyone over the age of 18, because you have an insurable interest, you have the right to buy it BUT They are the owners.

if you do not have an insurable interest and just want some insurance they can say no.

In fact if I were to try and insure h now, again, HE would have to agree to it. (And thanks to his health issues of late, it would be pricier at best).

Once the court rules it will very likely grant me the right to insure him again, but now that he's screwed it up, I want him to pay for the next 5 years.

At that point it'll expire and there will be no policy on him (at least not to me unless he just decides to be a good guy).

[25yearsmlc]

I think I need a new thread but Maybell, I understand the question and believe me, I read up on it.

Most disconcerting and the other hideous part was when I wondered what on earth h was thinking when the policy cost HIM nothing...

Then my s31 said "maybe dad wants to kill himself, and punish you first."

I said that was a "geez, that's a pretty dark joke"

and s31 said he "wasn't kidding. Just look at him, he's not well."

I don't think h is self aware enough to know if he's several depressed & he certainly won't seek help for it.

He can keep doing his thing and running from the wreckage and telling himself he's "doing great!"

AND whatever isn't right is "thanks to mean crazy selfish 25 turning the kids against" him and always stopping him from doing what he wanted/should have,

blah blah blah. (I am guessing about this^^ but some of it, is a lot like things he said towards the last year).

I'll always care for h but

I will not assume "he's so crazy/depressed" b/c he does crappy things,

I'll accept that he does crappy things and it no longer matters why.

Hopefully he will do right by the kids someday.

I'm in survival mode, trying to transition to Thrive mode soon


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