Wrote this before Sandi replied, so I'll answer her questions as well in a subsequent post.
I'd like to be more fully transparent here on what's going on. Some of this may not matter given where things are...but it might. Both of us are 48.
I'm an entrepreneur and business has taken much longer than planned to get off the ground and give me a steady paycheck. I have one now, things are rolling but it took like 5 years. During first 3 years, W kept saying "don't worry, i make/we have plenty of money, you'll be miserable at a big company, do what makes you happy." So I did. She has rewritten this history about the timeframe - but she got really resentful of the business and my a) lack of income, and b) not shutting it down after year 3. She kept looking for a timeline on when things would turn around, and I just didn't know...I did know that I didn't want us saddled in debt, so I had to find the right path, which I have now. Business almost went under in March, it was super scary. But, no complaints about money since paycheck in May.
During this period, WW had a dying mom. Then she lost her job that she liked (lots of travel to exotic places although she hated her team). Mom died, she took at job at a company that's in her wheelhouse but she's not really happy there either. No business travel to speak of. My first real paycheck coincided with anniversary of her Mom's death.
At this point, which was this past May, she was ready to call it quits - and so was I. I was so angry at feeling abandoned by her when things were going so badly for me business-wise that I was ready to end it. I set up a separate bank account for partial paycheck deposits, and I met someone casually and slept with her while W was out of town. Haven't told anyone that, including W.
She had been feeling guilty over lack of availability for sex, gets so frustrated when I ask, and didn't want me to be celibate. We decided to explore an open marriage. Sandi, it was very much a conclusion that both of us kind of thought about, following a New York Times story about the topic. I think we were looking at it as a way to stay together but still pursue our individual needs. I looked at a few other women after that, but quickly found that I didn't want to sneak around, that's not who I am and not the life I want. I want to be in a stronger, happier R with my W.
Fast forward to last month. Trying to coordinate delivery of some furniture, I looked at her emails for the timeframe. Found a name I did not recognize, but the email content was totally innocuous. Person lives literally on the other side of the planet in one of these exotic places, and is much much older. I asked her about it one morning, she got really uncomfortable, but said that I get jealous and there's nothing going on. He's a friend, he's connected in a field that she used to work in, and she likes talking to people. They talk on Skype. If he ever comes to our town, we'll all go to dinner.
Since then, I found a small spiral notepad that had been lying on kitchen counter for a month and flipped through it...his name was in there, but what was written was kind of nonsensical. I asked her about it, very gently, last Monday to find out where her head is. First she was furious for "going through her journals" and told me that I shouldn't do that. Said she had no idea what's in there. I handed it to her, said it was laying out, maybe you could explain it. She read it, was super embarrassed, and said that she wrote it when we had considered an open marriage, and this was her thinking through it on paper for what it would mean to her, and his name was one that came to mind. She said she was humiliated that I saw it, and she shouldn't have left it out, it was not to hurt me.
She still has conversations with his guy pretty regularly from what I can tell...only during work hours (that'll sure make the new job secure...) and he lives nowhere close to here. From what I've seen in emails, there's not a lot of "there" there. But I'm really stuck on it, can't figure out if this is a true OM, an EA, a fantasy, or what. If I ask, she keeps insisting that it's nothing and gets angry that I'm not hearing her.
I'm not looking at emails any more, other than mine. And I'm definitely not looking at journals. But I do admit to wanting to sabotage this. The fury has now moved from "I'm worried about money and your selfish business" to "you're so controlling and looking at my emails and journals and I have so much hate for you." She can't keep a calm head to talk, emotions are going a million miles an hour in a million different directions.
I do want the M to work, and feel guilty for looking at her stuff. As long as we don't talk about the R, we have "detente." But she's really mad, ready to end it. We had a really nice weekend together doing "couple things" and family things with the kids, it was kind of a dream and both of us enjoyed it. We still share a MBR and a bed. She wants me to see her "marriage therapist" with her, but I told her I will not attend a "divorce roadmap" discussion.
So...both of us are anxious around each other, there's a lot of love there, but a lot of bad feelings and guilt both ways. Is the best thing for me to do still to detach? Do I disclose anything about what I've done? I can't see how that will help things, but I'm all ears.
