Lost in Austin - Possible WAW

[sandi2]

The thing that's not making sense to me is that after she "asked for" a D at lunch this week - she asks a lot and I haven't ever consented, now I'm done talking about it - is that she bought furniture for our house later that day, we had a really nice weekend kayaking, eating out, listening to podcasts, and other "together" activities that she initiated. No sex but very pleasant. Why would a WW wife do that? Seems to me that if you've decided you're done, and verbalized it, you're really done. I'm really struggling with the mixed messages.

I don't know that she is or isn't wayward, until I hear more details. I wanted you to read the link in Cadet's post, "Help for the Newcomer LBH with a WW" (I think that's the title.....or close enough). See if it sounds like your W, or not. There may be something else causing her to act this way.

As for the mixed signals, as you called it, a H cannot interpret her peculiar actions to mean anything. It falls under "Believe only half so what you see", b/c it is not a sign that the M is on again or off again. It's not a sign of anything except your W is erratic. With her mood swings and her mindset..........you will not be able to understand it. Many H's spend endless hours and a lot of brain energy trying to figure out what it all indicates. You guys couldn't figure out women before she had a "problem".........so why waste your energy trying to figure her out after she goes wacky? (I'm saying this in a light-hearted way).

I'd like to refer back to your first post. What are the ages of you and W? Who decided your W should stop taking her anti-depressant meds? Did she taper off, or stop all at once? Wasn't this pretty close to when her mother passed away? And did you notice that was when her mood swings became more erratic?

Sex is in the crapper. Hasn't been good in a while, but it's pretty much non-existent now. When I bring it up she gets furious and tells me how much she hates me and wants a D, marriage is over. Says sex feels like rape to her. We talked about open marriage 3 months ago, but I realized that's not for me and told her.

This paragraph concerns me, especially the part about feeling sex is like rape to her. Has this come up in any MC sessions? Which one of you suggested possibly an open marriage? I am trying to wrap my head around saying she feels like sex is rape, in one sentence......and talking about an open M in the next. Maybe you will explain more to us, I hope, b/c I think this is very telling that there is a serious problem in the sexual part of the MR. May I ask if she has always been somewhat uptight in the bedroom? Maybe has some hang ups about sex? When did the intense anger begin?

Asked her for a lunch date on Wednesday, she spent 2 hours telling me it's over, she is so angry, she can't get past resentments, doesn't trust me, I don't trust her, will be better for our kids, she can't live like this any more, etc. I told her that I'm not on-board, this is not something I support. Keeps "asking me" for a D. But...when she got home from work, she said she bought two new chairs for our kitchen table, so we could have 6.

Well, she feels pressure when you refer to a simple lunch as a date. Maybe you didn't, but she picked up on something. I know b/c she felt she had to remind you of all the reasons she wants out of the M. That's her way of discouraging you from having any notions that she is on board with you........and her way of saying, "Back off, buster"! Same thing could be true about sex. Every time you press her about it, she feels she has to give a dramatic explanation in order to get out of it. It's not making love for her. It is a form of pressure.......and she does not enjoy the experience.

Some women who are high drive, can have sex with the H right up to the day they D. But for other women, they have to feel in love with their H (and basically everything be right with world) in order to enjoy the sexual union. And, if she has some inhibitions.........you might as well say good night, roll over and go to sleep.

I can't find any evidence that she's hired a lawyer or made any real steps to D, other than trying to push me into it, which I'm not inclined to do. No evidence of a PA either, although I have been looking.

I think you said something about her using the divorce as her default threat.......and a lot of women threaten D every time they argue with their H. It's crazy! If this fits your W, then she may never file, IDK. Something is going haywire in her, and I am not so sure it is a typical case of waywardness. I think there is more to this story.

Have you checked her phone for suspicious texting, calls at late hours and lasting a long time? Has she been staying up late after you've gone to bed? Notice an increase in going to "girls night out" to the bars? Any trips away without you, or staying overnight with a friend b/c she had too much to drink, or her leaving at night to run to the store for a loaf of bread, and be gone for two hours? Does she talk about a particular man at work? Or maybe she used to talk about him.....and suddenly stopped?

Has there been a noticeable change in her appearance, like her trying to look younger, maybe dress a little more provocative, wear more cosmetics, new perfume, different hair color? Has she taken up with new and younger friends, and it doesn't really include you? Does she leave the room to take certain phone calls? Notice her spending more time on her computer, and switching the screen when you walk into the room? If none of these check out or rings a bell........then she may not be in an inappropriate situation with a third party. I am interested in knowing who brought up the idea of an open M.

I know these are a lot of questions, and you don't have to answer them all. It's more to help you see if she falls within this description.