Still here. Still not detached...

[Chris73]

I just have to vent and maybe bring up a topic that's controversial and/or doesn't get enough consideration.

Divorce is embarrassing.

Yes, I'm quite familiar with the concepts of detachment, dropping the rope, and GAL, and I even try to practice these occasionally

But the life event of a family breaking apart ripples through all aspects of my life and the lives of everyone I am connected to. Meanwhile, nobody wants to talk to me about it. Throughout my entire life, every milestone event was an opportunity for friends and family to reach out and connect with me on some level. Graduation, new job, new house, marriage, the birth of my kids, etc. Everyone comes out of the woodwork to congratulate, be a part of the event, and/or offer support/help. Even with my MIL's tragic premature death from aggressive cancer, everyone came together for the good of the family. Her death was an extremely tough topic to discuss, but we did.

Now here I am going through another major life event and nobody will even mention it. It's uncomfortable for them. It's uncomfortable for THEM?! Ok so maybe I don't expect to ever hear from anyone on my W's side of the family anymore. They have to pick a side even if they don't want to. But do people really expect me to initiate a phone call or an email saying, "Hey I'm really going through some $hit right now and I'd really like to talk about it with you..." My separation is public knowledge but other than my mom, my IC, one close friend, and this board, I'm dealing with this alone. No calls or emails from friends/family asking how I'm doing. We had a picnic at my mom's yesterday and it was the first time that I've seen several family members since the separation. But people treated me like I had a disease, casual conversation only.

And now that the school year is starting, I'm encountering a whole new slew of parents and teachers who will eventually need to know about the separation. And it's something that I'll have to bring up in response to some awkward question like, "Did you do anything fun this summer."

UGH!!!

I know I shouldn't expect much else, but it hurts to feel so isolated in this journey. It makes me wonder if perhaps MY actions toward my family/friends over the past 10 years have been selfish and lacking and this is my payback. You know, the whole "emotional bank account" metaphor.

Look, I'm smart enough to know that I can't depend on anyone but myself, and I draw my strength from my kids and my commitment to being the best father possible. But I spend WAY too much time in my own head and I really thought that friends and family were going to play a more significant role in my GAL. The fact that they don't really hurts.

I think I need to branch out and hook up with some support groups to make new friends. I'm sure there are other dads like me who want to talk...