Jmstl's thread-Part 3

[TBSakaJ9]

Told her that as the mother of my children and my friend, that I will always be there for her, and that if she is ever in a situation she does not feel comfortable in, or anyone threatens her, to let me know, as I will 'stick a knife in their f'in throat' before I let any harm come to her.

And you were doing so good until.......:) LOL

[TxHubby]

I guess how this interaction went depends on your goal. If your goal is to DB then it wasn't good. You're actually supporting her in getting a D. Helping her feel better about D'ing you. If your goal is the D and an amicable post-D relationship then it went well.

[LH19]

Never ever say " I will always be there for you".

[Jmstl]

Never ever say " I will always be there for you".

I know I kind of vomited that out. I meant it in the context of 'As the mother of my kids'

But I see how saying that could basically give her carte blanche.

[Jmstl]

I guess how this interaction went depends on your goal. If your goal is to DB then it wasn't good. You're actually supporting her in getting a D. Helping her feel better about D'ing you. If your goal is the D and an amicable post-D relationship then it went well.

Tx-

I don't want the D. I know however, that I cannot stop the D.
I want to have a good post-D relationship with her at the very minimum, and I would like, in the future and after some time maybe try to reconcile.

I feel like there is absolutely nothing I could do within the next 3 weeks to turn her around and say "No, I don't want this divorce".

I DO want her to see what she is missing by not being with me. I want her to remember the good things about our relationship, and say to herself (bc she will never admit it straight to me) that even though she was done a year ago, things are vastly different now, and maybe we could try again.

As far as the DBing not being good, I know a few places I screwed up, but can you offer more specificity where I messed it up, and how to change it going forward?

[TxHubby]

She'll never see what she's missing without you because you told her you'd always be there for you. She can pursue other relationships and keep you doing things for her that she needs from you. Great setup for her and zero incentive to change anything. You should have 180'd her and shown her what it would really be like without you.

[Tread]

TxHubby pretty much summed it up. You basically have her the green light to mess around with losers. But when reality kicks in, then she can run to you for the heavy lifting. Don't say a thing abiut being there for her. When trouble happens and it will. She has to decide on whether to contact. And then you get to decide on what you are willing to do for her.

[Maika]

I would stop the following things:

I said that I wanted to go as a family.

No you're not. Is this version of 'family' okay to you?

I said that I wanted to go as a family. I said I understood that it was still far away, our relationship will obviously be different, but that we were both amicable responsible adults, and saw no reason that we couldn't be together for a week, and said I felt that we would actually enjoy our time together with each other.

Say none of that.

I added that I wished that she had come to me sooner, as I thought things were getting better, as I had heard no complaints. She said that was because in hindsight, she stopped caring. I said that is confusing, because if she did not let me know there was a problem, then how could I know that something needed to be worked on?

Same as above. don't have that convo unless she brings it up. and then validate. you asked for an explanation, which doesn't matter at this point.

We talked about how we were going to handle dating. She said there were a few men she was talking to but she had not actually met anyone IRL. She said she had to disable her dating profile a few times, due to being overwhelmed and being treated like fresh meat. I gave her some tips on how she could handle those. I told her I had no intention of deleting mine and she should not delete hers, and we can coexist on the same site peacefully. And if she did not want to see my profile, she could just hide it

DO NOT HELP HER DATE OTHER MEN!!!! DO NOT SHARE YOUR DATING DETAILS!

I asked if she was going to get her tattoo covered up (we each have one of our anniversary date) She said she was, and had an appt to get it done that day, but had gotten a sunburn. She said she was not trying to erase me, like I thought she was. She said she wasn't sure to get it before (it was her suggestion, btw) and had convinced herself to do it. I told her I had no intention of getting rid of mine, as it was a part of who I was and a memory I would cherish. And that if anyone I date has a problem with that, they aren't the type of person I would want to see.

Don't ask her such stuff and no need to share what you're going to do.

Later we texted a bit, with me giving telling her how to protect herself online. She responded that I had to be careful too as women are sneaky and mischeivious (sp?)

Again, DON'T.

Told her that as the mother of my children and my friend, that I will always be there for her,

Definite DON'T say that again!

"Given how well this went today, and how we can have honest and open talks like this, if you are comfortable with it, next time you bring the kids over, you are welcome to come into the apartment.

I would say don't discard your boundaries too fast.

I am glad you felt at peace, but you need to put some time in with DBing to really evaluate if it's working or not.

[Jmstl]

So then, should I basically 180 her again, and start pretending that I don't care?

I know going forward I wont say 'I will be here for you'.

I mean, she apparently is so adamant in her mind that we are not compatible that whether im hot or cold won't matter. I am just not sure how to handle it.

Also, if anyone knows about personalities, She is and ENFJ and I am an INTP. I am just not sure how to get this to work.

[Jmstl]

She'll never see what she's missing without you because you told her you'd always be there for you. She can pursue other relationships and keep you doing things for her that she needs from you. Great setup for her and zero incentive to change anything. You should have 180'd her and shown her what it would really be like without you.

Is it too late, or do you think it's possible to still 180 her and let her feel what it is like without me?