Picking up Her MESS

[Treasur]

Your kids and protecting your family financially are the No. 1 priority. I'm afraid some of our spouses do some really crazy stuff and you can't control them, but you have to keep their destruction on the other side of the door. It isn't normal to separate children like this.

If you think she is a risk to herself or the kids, you may need to think about asking for mental services help.

[Brubeck]

Hi J1978,

I'm sorry that you are at this chapter in your life. It's definitely difficult. This has turned your world upside down. You're now in a situation with a crazy person, but this is the new normal to them, so you're going to feel crazy. You are not crazy.

A lot of your story has the same left turns as others here. I am also a fixer like you, and I understand your frustration with not being able to solve all this.

You're right, childhood issues that were never dealt with are catching up to her. These are demons that she's been suppressing for 2 or 3 decades that have now ruptured to the surface, and they are overwhelming her to the point of confusion.

Do you know about her childhood? What happened? How bad or tough was it?

Do you know what triggered her MLC? Were there any changes leading up to her bomb drop on you? Death of a loved one, job loss, illness or a 'close call' or even moving to another area can trigger MLC.

W has lost weight goes to gym gets her nails done always shopping and lighting her hair again it feels like a strange in front of me. W is buried on her phone we don't make eye contact she always in la la la la land.

My kids are now seeing her monster side she has them like little soldiers cleaning, mopping floor literally is all they do my children's tell me.

You have also just described my W perfectly. That is exactly how she's been for the past year and-a-half. MLC is La La Land. Your W just moved in and she's going to be there for quite some time.

She left behind all her stuff because she doesn't want it. She sees all that as part of the old life that she hates, AND that it's there in your house gives her a reason to barge in on you if she feels like it.

Your friends and your MIL are not reaching out because they don't know what to do.

Browse the archives. Cadet's links include "Musings from AmyC". She is an MLC survivor who's posted a great deal about what went on in her mind during her MLC (it ain't pretty). She also appears here under the name Amy40.

Check out archive stuff from mirage, spirit, angelica, LoisB, M Go Blue. You'll find a lot of supportive voices here. You'll also find that every time your W does something crazy - it's just part of the MLC script. They all seem to react and behave in very similar ways - sometimes almost identical.

Do research on depression (especially masked depression) and narcissistic personality disorder. You will find an MLCer arguing methods are similar to someone who suffers from NPD.

About the money and the custody - do not bend yourself to placate her. You are not going to please her no matter how much you give. She will want more. If you disagree with her, she will go Monster and make awful accusations - some of it just made up. Stand your ground peacefully for your children and their financial security. Put yourself and your kids first. Do not worry about her, she is not worried about you (or the kids that much). You have a right to know where your children are staying at when they are with her, she cannot conceal her new address from you.

It's not an easy lesson, but you will learn that you are stronger than you think.

[marina7]

Thank you Everyone, yes I will have to call more lawyers to see what can be done. Illinois child care law is up in the air there is no who get full custody is a 50/50 which I don't understand.

It blew my mind because she talks about our kids like property but then I was reading not sure who wrote it she took our s9 because he is more quite and in his own world where my other two are more attentive at what she is doing example my W stop smoking cigarettes because I didn't like it and she stop on her own well my D9 said I seen mommy smoking a cigarette and I know she is drinking again alcoholic runs in her family. When we met I lived in other state but when we started dating I would see her drink 4 or more cans of beer, my bil lived with us he was then a alcoholic and in drugs. W and I help him to get to rehab and he been doing amazing, W also cut back her drinking because she knew my thoughts and we where talking about marriage and children. She was an amazing mom and wife. Always made sure are needs where met so as I with her she always had her freedom she always did girls night out and it was a great marriage. So not sure what happen.

So going to the question what lead up to this here it go I have no reason to lie we are humans we make mistakes. In 2013 I had an EA that's all she lived in NY we just talked and text my W found out and confronted me and I told her the truth. I explained her lack of emotions with us she was never a lovey wife. I guess because of her childhood.
In 2015 I have lupus and MS and had a grandmal seizures where she found me herself she thought I was dead no pulse or anything she did cpr.and I was in hospital for over a week. It was touch and go. But am here. But I of course would apologize for my stupidity she would say we will get through this. I wanted to go to MC but life gets busy with 3 kids. I made sure that she knew and showed her how sorry i was. And she said i know you are.

W childhood she has both parent's still together but growing up all she seen her dad beating her mom and him drinking. He was very mean man when drinking and attack her mom and her mom is not an affectionate women, I have nnever seen my MIL hug my W, her mom is not affectionate and that's where my W gets it from because my W is not an affectionate person where am more hug person and show affectionate. Before W left to service her father hit her mom in a drunk stage my W call cop and had him lock up. Things after that changed W says her dad never again hit her mom. And when i met them i would have not thought of that but my own MIL told me the horrors stories she went through.

I never thought that this will happen. Because my W is such a strong Women but I guess even the strong break.

[marina7]

Yesterday W came by to see d9 and s8 my son s9 looks so tired exhausted, I honestly didn't say much as much I wanted to scream I love you, W was asking all the question as i said earlier i had surgery she said how you feeling and she notice how much weight I lost she made a comment how skinny I gotten and how she doesn't like me skinny, I of course ignored she then said be careful and make sure i always put home alarm because I moved to to a home what i can afford is not the best neighborhood but not bad either. But she stuck up and was sounding concern i again didn't say much. Before leaving she ask for a hug I gave her a pat on the back and stook my distance besides having stitches in my back i am just disgusted the thought of her with someone else.

Well W hasn't confirmed other OW but my d9 said d9 was over MIL, OW is always with her and d9 also notice bathroom toothbrush 2 of them my d9 has grown up the last couple month's which i hate she had a rough childhood before adopting and this now has her back to being alert again. She had to grpw up. Which breaks my heart.

I remember at first W was all about co-parating yeah wishful thinking. I am just lost maybe Someone can help me why take only S9 and not d9 and s8. S9 is more quieter and he pretty much a kid you can buy him things and he stays quiet. My d9 says that is W home he has all new toys and everything you can think of. Where I am more of parent first and your friend later. D9 and s8 they don't have a filter they are so different from s9 they are day and night. But what she doesn't seem to get is they feel she loves s9 more not them because she only took him.

Today I am going to court house to get protective order to get son back and praying that they could assign me a lawyer as I don't have any money at all. I pray that the judge could see I only want the kids together we have never separated them since we adopted them. I feel like not only did she break my heart but also to take my son is like what else does she want and btw s9 is closes to me since he was 3 months everyone knows this I feel she did this to break me to see me hurt. If only W knew how hurt I am.

Question for any MLC do you know your spouse is hurting or they can't see how broken we are.

God is good everyday I know something gotta give. I know am trying but am not sure I could ever see us again if if the fog lifts. W acts like nothing. She goes weeks no text or call and couple weeks ago I received a text saying she wants to live her life i live mine i said ok but i need my s9 her response was things will be different she again acts like am suppose to walk away from s9 because she abandoned d9 and s8 does she think my mind is like hers am suppose to forget i have another son... is just a sad situation I honestly didn't know this was going to escalate this way.

I do cry every night not because of the situation don't get me wrong it hurts bad but it hurts more to see my kids going through this they didn't ask for this life or be born but they also didn't ask to be adopted and then this happens in a f*** up situation where 2 kids feel she doesn't love them they feel they are the problem and s9 other son basically has became a brat because he does whatever at her home and gets whatever he wants. While I struggle financially because she took it all and she does have a good paying job. Before getting hurt at work i also always work but took a pay cut years ago because it was hard with 3 kids. And look at me now. Smh....

Illinois child care or child custody change so much now we are in a state 50/50 which I still don't understand why is that way. Especially when is people like her walking away literally abandoning our kids she just woke up and just left. I keep telling myself everything we go through in life is for a reason am not sure yet what lesson i gotta learn from this but God will show me. I hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Btw, OW works with her so I guess that's how they met, who knows how long this affair was still W won't confirm but all signs are there and yesterday I seen a ring in her wedding finger I said congrats on your new relationship she swear i gave her that ring... ummm I know what i purchase for her and is an engagement ring. All I can say I hope she is worth everything we built in 10yrs.

Me,39
W,37
S9,D9 and S8 adopted together
BD end of April 2017
Move out June 2017
OW haven't confirmed but OW told D9 you will be seeing me around and trys family events with kids and W like they are a family.

[job]

Generally, a person in crisis will "choose" one child over the others to be best friends with. It is usually the one that will not question/challenge them on what they are doing.

As for W's appearance, she's depressed and isn't sleeping and possibly not eating healthy foods. Many of them go to fast food places or eat a lot of junk food, i.e., like they did as kids. It's quick and they don't have to deal w/cooking and cleaning up.

Yes, your W is hurting deeply. She is mourning the death of her old self. Her focus is on her and she knows that deep down you and the kids are hurting...but right now...she's focused on easing her pain any way that she can. The guilt she feels may keep her from coming around as much...and that's another cause for not sleeping well.

While she is floating around in La La Land, please try to keep the focus on you and your kids. I know it's difficult to do, but you are now the "main" parent and the kids need the stability that you provide. Keep the focus on your finances too.

Good luck today.

[marina7]

So today spoke to over 20 lawyers.... yeah that's what I said, I must say from fostering our first son and now the System [censored], I went in the court house and explained everything technically W didn't do anything wrong I explained her behavior her actions and her saying about she thought of going over the bridge or about higher life insurance I was ask that it sounds she was just talking.... wow while am in tears and showing bank proof and old house had to break lease and how W abandoned them I got told you need a lawyer I said can they appoint me a lawyer I was told No unless you did a crime again how the system failed me.

The court house people felt bad but it's her choice if she doesn't want other two... so after crawling under my sheet wanting just to wake up and say this is all a dream.. I started calling lawyers non stop everyone ask for retainer fee starting 1800.00 and up but one lawyer explain that is not wrong what she doing but is mentally affecting them he said if you hire me the first thing she will say I took him because xyz or am a bad parent but W can't say that he said she left you with two kid's so her case is already flush in the toilet in his words. I explained W background and he said Ahhhhh that's why she controlling she was in the military 8yrs. I also showed him the letter she sent through email saying what she wants... Yes W thinks she is a lawyer lol she wrote a letter of intent and says if I don't sign I wont see son basically giving up my parentals right.. Nope I didn't sign... this happen 2 weeks ago about the letter 3 days later she called crying saying she going through alot and just crying by now my heart has been rip,chew,stumb and chop in pieces what heart I ask myself am I even alive. Well I responded sorry and remember am here always am trying to be the lighthouse.

Yesterday she stop by to see kids... it was like her pulling teeth i didn't talk she ask all the question How are you, how you feeling wow you losing lots of weight don't like seeing you that skinny... in my mind am like Hello wtf in my head I wanted to say do you think this is a walk in the park the hell you putting me through but I was quiet and said oh... yeah holding back is the hardest.. but my S9 was hugging me and saying love you mom and hugging she then got anxiety was like lets go we gotta go.. he wouldn't let go she was like lets go and grabbing him... I just look at her...

My question does she feel bad and runs away when emotions come out is like running away... I hold my tears but I break like a baby when she leaves not only I lost her my son too.... I never had family rough life as kid I raised myself well the streets did I have came a long way in life but I dont have the financial means to hire a lawyer or family I can call to say can I borrow.. Literally my back is in the wall... I ask God to let me see the light.. I need a lighthouse my self it feels like am losing everything I built and my other 2 kids feel like our first parent didn't want us and my adopted mom either my D9 sob in my arms asking why W doesn't want them.. how can someone do this to there kids especially we went through hell together to adopt them to just walk away and throw them away. Breaks my heart...

[25yearsmlc]

J1978

when the courts say "50/50" is favored, it does not mean physical custody is shared equally. Just decisions.

Usually the kids are in the "primary physical custody" of the parent whom they are more used to, and who can provide more stability and time, but it's still seen legally as "50/50." The non custodial parent is the one who may pay child support and

(I would not be shocked if the reason your wife wants it to be shared custody is to lower her CS payment to you.)


Yes sure about the "half the money." I'm a L and although she was only legally entitled to half the joint accounts (in every state there is a presumption of equality or "equitable division of assets) she still took it all, right?

My stbx h took it all anyhow. And yes, I'll get it back next month -because that's the law but that is a a full YEAR after he took it.

\
It's FAR better to have money in your hand, then a promise of it later. I cannot stress that enough.

I was in the hospital when it happened and I didn't know, but since I don't want to hijack your thread I will be to the point.

It's well and good for people to say "she only gets half!' But if she already took it, YOU have to pay to get it back or hope she just feels like it. My h felt entitled to "his" money b/c he justified a lot of crappy behavior and[u][/u] that's how it is now.


Hire the lawyer asap b/c your wife has put plans in action already and you are only touching the iceberg of what is out there for you to know. In other words, you got a late start and you need to catch up fast.

I was married 35 years and raised 3 kids.

I will tell you what my kindly gentle older sister told me a few months ago, when I was again, reeling from h's monstrous behavior.

She said '

"SNAP OUT OF IT. Function now and ruminate/question things later. Get the money and the kids. You are in survival mode now."

Also get the book and read it, the Divorce Remedy is the more relevant of the 2 main ones, in my opinion.

I can explain that ^^ later but for now, you need to take action to protect your financial and legal interests.

And do not split the kids up no matter what her argument is. Don't think you can "nice your wife back home." And agree to crazy things to please her. There is no pleasing her.

It'll backfire and any judge who sees that you were okay with this down the road, will probably not think more of you.

Keep the kids together and when they each get older they can ask to live more in one parent's home, but for now, be their rock and keep them together.

Hang in there - it does get better!

[25yearsmlc]

talk to legal aid

AND if you have access to veteran's benefits, (active duty or retired?)

they have a JAG Corps (lawyer) office on base you can talk to someone there at no cost.

Also check out the local LAMDA (gay legal activist group) or the local LGBT groups in the area and maybe CPS too.

You are not the first wife to need child support, and though that's bad news for parents and kids in general, the good news is that there are resources for you out there.

Don't give up and be ready to sell jewelry too. Been there, done that.

((( )))

[marina7]

Thank you 25yearsmlc,

God knows I have tried am in Illinois the child custody change this year it's very weird, we where not legal married we had domestic partnership I don't have access to any of her VA I was never in Military. I am trying my best. I have been reading everything a mlc do she has threatened me so many times I lost track... like with lawyer 2 weeks ago and then 3 days after the threat called crying. Am myself don't know whats real i have taken everything out my name we have no ties together when she started acting strange i read and Google it and seen all signs and quickly removed everything but it was to late on bank account. I guess physical money is different.

I have ask and called and spoken to lawyer's am now waiting for legal paralegal call me because they are my last hope.

Am doing everything in my power even got gets going to therapy in next 2 weeks. Is just crazy I dont see how you take one child but but not the other two. And act like nothing. Destroying what took 10yrs to built and trust me she tells me you are so beautiful she ask if am dating everytime... is she freaking nuts 10yrs of marriage i just can't date but i guess because she doing it i should... i wonder if she saw me dating what would she think because her focus is me always why do you care you got what you wanted... I honestly can't see myself dating my focus is Me and my kids and trying to make sure they understand they didn't do anything to cause this...

[marina7]

Brubeck, Thank you for your support..

I have read your story, wow I honestly was one of those people who laugh when they said midlife crisis I thought it was a saying... I could sit here and be a spoke person and say that the LBS we go through the hell am not sure how doctors are not considering this a problem like any other diseases. I have lost all hope I am in a mourning process I honestly have told myself if my W was dead there's nothing I could have done besides crying and moving on with life. I know for me to heal I have told myself if she wasn't here on earth what would you do which is mourn... I give us all credit..

I could use all the friends if anyone wants to FB me or skpe talk God knows I could use all the support this is a nightmare we are all living.