Living in limbo and hating it

[Painful]

First off I'd like to say that I wish (probably like most of us LBHs) I knew more about psychology of WAW, WW, and MLC way earlier before the possible point of no return.

My wife seems to fit most of the "symptoms" to a tee. She was telling me for a few years how she was unhappy. I think I was hitting my MLC years (early to mid 40) while she was still in her mid 30s. Looking back, I definitely stopped being the man that she fell in love with and I can see how slowly but surely she was losing respect then physical attraction then love for me. I became a couch potato not wanting to go anywhere, gaining 50-60 lbs in a few years, not taking care of my health or my appearance. Additionally losing interest in sex and intimacy and I'm pretty sure that was the last straw for her. Our arguments became more and more frequent, and we were often irritated with each other. Somehow I was stupid enough to think that she was obligated to love me anyway and that she wasn't going anywhere.

Little did I know that she was carrying on a EA/PA with a friend of ours for some time (2 years?). As I know now, other "friends" noticed something a while ago but I was completely oblivious to all the red flags and signs of the affair. Then last Dec she told me we needed to separate and she rented an apartment not too far from our house. The main reason is the textbook "I need to think about life and our relationship". She said she rented it starting Dec but I highly suspect now that she had actually rented a few months before that. There was never a talk of her staying in the house and me moving out as it is my separate property in a community property state (purchased before marriage) and her name is not in any of the docs. I'm not sure but it's possible she felt slighted by that and possibly never felt like it was HER house too in all 12 years of M.

She didn't move out right away though and stayed thru the holidays. Right after the New Year's I learned from mutual "friends" the real reason: OM from our circle. He was married with 2 kids; apparently his wife found about the A a while ago, didn't tell me (G-d only knows why), and tried to break them up on her own a few times. When it didn't happen, she kicked him out of the housed and filed for D which was finalized earlier this year. After I found out about the A, I did all the wrong things: talking constantly about our relationship, trying to convince to change her mind and stay, etc. While she seemed to be receptive to having conversations and discussing things with me, she was adamant (in a typical WW fashion as I know now) blaming me for our deteriorating MR and her A. She said she had told me of her unhappiness many times but I didn't want to listen or do anything about it. She moved out about 4 weeks later.

For the first couple of months it was impossible for me not to talk to her and I called to check on her almost daily. It was all small talk as I was trying to come to grips to the new reality. Gave her a huge expensive bouquet of flowers on her birthday in 3/17. After the first couple of months, as I started reading about separations, affairs, and divorces, I started to detach as much as possible and stopped all the calls or texts. D11 was mostly with WW on schooldays (even though I saw her a couple of hours a day after school). On the weekends D was with me and obviously WW was with OM. I assume OM was there during the days too while D was at school. Financially he's a total loser and barely works. During summer break D also spent most of the time with WW during the week. She sent D for sleepovers at friends' houses on Friday nights to spend time with OM and then spent entire weekends with him as I had D on Sat and Sun.

Currently I don't call or text WW at all. She calls me to arrange D's transfer. During transfers initially we had almost NC, now sometimes we have a small chit-chat re D11.

It's been 7 months of limbo and hell. I detached as much as possible, exercise and try to GAL. And yet I constantly think about the sitch, how it all broke down, how I lost my family, and how it affects our D11. I sleep much better than I did in the beginning but I fall asleep and wake up thinking the same thoughts. I felt better 2-3 months ago because I thought their A would fizzle within about 6 months. As that timeframe passed, I started feeling down again with the thoughts re the stitch preoccupying my brain most of the time even when I'm supposed to have fun. GAL is double-edge sword as well: as I'm doing things, I think of how it'd be so much better to do with WW or at least to later tell her about the activities.

Interestingly, there's absolutely no talk from her about the big D. She still (again 7 months) hiding the OM from D11 meaning he's only there when she isn't and vice versa. In a way I'm grateful about it as I absolutely dread D's finding out about him. WW is obviously in charge of her R with OM since he goes along with basically being a booty call. When he's not there, he stays at his parents' house (35 yo guy lol). WW and I never talk about OM or their A. Her family knows about him; they all know him well and are totally against their R. He's not welcome at my M/FIL, S/BIL or cousins-in-law. If WW goes there, she goes by herself or with D. Again, looks like classic "us v. the world" sitch for her and OM.

I've read many threads here and know what I need to do: detach, GAL, LC only concerning D, etc. It's so hard though to get WW out of mind. When I see her during D transfers, it's so hard to believe that she's no longer my W (emotionally or physically), and she's involved with that idiot OM. No one from her family or our friends sees their R going anywhere and yet at least on the surface (and possibly for real) she seems to still be so infatuated w OM and constantly tries to find ways to send D somewhere to call in the OM. As probably most LBHs, I badly want their A to end and see if we can move towards R talks. I do realize that R may not ever be possible and she may be "done" as she tells our mutual friends but at least I want this to be an option which it is not while she's involved with OM.

I guess my Q is how to stay sane and not constantly think about the sitch during this limbo. Also, I'd like to hear people's opinions if I'm reading (hoping) too much into WW not making any moves to end our official M and keeping her R with OM on the back burner.