Lost in Austin - Possible WAW

[sandi2]

The thing I'm struggling with the most is our kids...they aren't privvy to any of this, and although I want to GAL and detach, I want to be there for them, and I'm not sure how to balance it all.

Okay, I will try to say this carefully, b/c I don't want you, or anyone, to take offense at my words. Let's just say I have seen soooo many newcomer LBH's who became extremely sensitive to their children. It makes sense to me why they would, especially under these circumstances. What I urge you to do is be very careful that you don't use your children as a crutch or excuse to not GAL, detach, and perhaps other advice about DBing. You are very stressed and your emotions want you to hold very tightly to your family. That's understandable. You want to protect your kids, be the father of the century, and the whole nine yards. There is nothing wrong with that ^^^^. However, it becomes a crutch when the man says he wants to be home every night b/c of the kids. He says he can't detach or do this or that b/c of the kids. That's what I mean by an excuse or a crutch. There have even been some men who denied it up & down.......but then came back later to admit it is was true...and to say they didn't see it, initially. It's hard to see in our own situations, and as you said.....know how to balance.. Therefore, take this FWIW.

I want to think that's where her fog will be lifted...if this ever gets to the point where we talk to the kids, they will shatter her visions of how "fine" they will be. She has no idea, but I do, because I've lived it.

I'm sorry, but it won't happen when she has to tell the kids. In fact, the WW is usually in a hurry to tell them, but even if she isn't......it will not phase the "fog". Her mindset has totally changed, and unfortunately, it will not make her the mother of the year. You say you have lived it. However, don't you mean you experienced it as a child when your parents split? Your point of view is from the child.......not the WW.

Don't get hung up on "the fog". B/c it will keep you expecting something to shock her out of the fog,........and that expectation will prevent you from doing what you need to do right now. It will wear you out, just constantly looking around the next corner, hoping the next thing will do the trick. When it fails to change her, your let down begins to take a toll. I don't think I've ever seen a man guess, correctly, what will shake his W out of her fog. It's a complete waste of time. In the first place, he'd have to understand how her wayward mindset works, which not many inexperienced H's get it......and why should they? I have tried to shed light on the WW mindset in several threads........if you want to read them.

Yes. I've seen this live and in action. But when I step away, the response seems to be "see, I was right, he's an a$$hole and is not available, so I'm justified in getting out."

If she says one word about you not being available, just say, "I am trying to respect your wishes for space". Better yet, just say, "I need my space". Trust me, right now it is much better to not be at her beck & call than being right in front of her every time she turns around. Make yourself scarce. She needs to wonder where you are and what you're doing......and who you are doing it with. Let me guess.......when she contacts you and ask what you're doing........you spill your guts. Right? Anything she asks, you don't hesitate to tell her. Well, that needs to change until she decides to change back into the W she use to be. Learn to give very vague answers. Don't ever lie..........just give vague answers that don't tell her what she really wants to know. Why? To create mystery and interest.

My gut tells me that the right thing to do is to be a beacon of light for the kids, and a strong rock for the family. But I can't tell if that's naive and the exact wrong thing to do.

Well, this is kind of an extension to what's previously been said about the children. Of course, be a good father to them. I just think it won't kill them if dad has some personal time away from the house (preferably when mom is left there to take care of the kids). I believe it is better to give up time at home with the kids, currently, in order to fight for the M you deserve.....and your kids deserve. Better to suffer a short period of time, rather than the rest of their years. I'm not saying to turn your back on them or never have activities with them. Use balance between their time and your personal GAL time. And sometime, they can mix together,