Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 10

[PsySara]

Tresur,
I definitely have the trademark signs of PTSD. I really resent WH for sending me back years in my recovery from childhood PTSD. Up until his affair I was very healthy psychologically speaking. Now I am triggered constantly as I am a mental health provider and see oodles of victims of infidelity. It has been a Herculean effort to compartmentalize my own trauma when I have patients going through their own fresh Ddays. I work daily on mindfulness and trying to be present in the "now." It's an effort but has become easier since practicing it so often.

Leah,
Things are kind of bumbling along. WH makes noises about wanting to help me heal but then does nothing. He asks me what I need and I tell him in clear terms. And he does nothing. I think constantly about filing but then read about households where the kids basically go to hell in a hand basket as they are usually casualties of divorce. I am p*ssed that my options are to disintegrate their security or stay with a man I feel has done nothing to rebuild trust. I wonder what MWD would say about my situation? Technically my WAH returned home, he's moved back and settled into being a dad again. But there is this...empty spot inside me now. It's a spot that used to be filled by my love for him, my unshakable belief that WH would always be my protector and my knight. But he turned out like all the others who hurt me and abandoned me at my weakest time.

I don't post about this usually but I had a crap childhood. My mother is on her 5th marriage. She had a tendency to marry guys who used her kids as punching bags. She's committed credit card fraud in my name, abuses prescription narcotics and is constantly on the verge of being homeless. I can't count how many times we moved while I was growing up, how many schools I attended, how many times the lights were cut or there wasn't enough food in the house. One of my dreams growing up was to give my children stability, a two parent home and to show them how a married couple should be. Now I feel like that dream has been stolen. I read about how people recover from infidelity and their marriages are better and stronger than before. Then I wonder, why not me? Why hasn't this started to happen? Rather I feel like I am just counting the days with a guy who had no problem cheating on me while pregnant with our baby. Even now he says, "You were different then." As if that excuses him cheating, he still doesn't feel like something is wrong with him, that he needs to change from the man who could deceive and betray his trusting wife.

So I spin my wheels when I am alone. I feel my heart beating too quickly and that reminds me that I have permanent heart damage from his betrayal. He literally broke my heart. I've been to 2 different IC and their suggestion is "Leave him, start over." I challenged them about the statistics surrounding children of divorce and they give platitudes. One said how kids "Like having two homes to go to." I rolled my eyes, I've been in split custody and it [censored], carrying your belongings back and forth like a homeless person. I have the permanent results of contracting an STD from my WH because he couldn't be bothered to use condoms even though they had bought some. What do I do with this rage???? Maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe I ended up repeating a shadow of my mother's poor choices. I thought waiting three years to marry a guy would give me a chance to finesse out the "faults" and see if I could live with them. He did have his selfish moments but I NEVER thought he was capable of the cruelty he showed me on dday and afterward. What if I am not strong enough to rebuild this marriage? At what point do I cut bait and pray my children will turn out okay in spite of coming from a broken home?