Hi - I'm really new to these forums but love what I'm reading here, and have MWD's book and am trying to digest as much as I can. Also have read a lot by David Schnarch and many of the concepts are very similar - so there must be something here.
My situation is this: M for almost 17 years, 2 kids (S15, D12). My parents had a blowout D when I was 14-16, both parents totally checked out. Was awful and I have always had the position that I don't want to pass on that legacy/pain to my kids, no matter what.
W is very left-brained; grew up with two parents who couldn't handle emotions, so she is very passive-aggressive and lets resentments build and build. Past year got off antidepressants which she was on for 10+ years).
She told me in late 2015, after her mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, that she wanted a D. I told her that we need to try to work on things. We've been to MC but every time there's a disagreement, she brings up D as her default position. Mom died about a year ago, and W goes in waves of being very kind and outright hostile to me. Blames me for everything, looks for reasons to justify her angry positions.
Sex is in the crapper. Hasn't been good in a while, but it's pretty much non-existent now. When I bring it up she gets furious and tells me how much she hates me and wants a D, marriage is over. Says sex feels like rape to her. We talked about open marriage 3 months ago, but I realized that's not for me and told her.
We are both educated, have successful careers, adore our kids and have a really incredible infrastructure of couple friends, all with kids the same age.
Asked her for a lunch date on Wednesday, she spent 2 hours telling me it's over, she is so angry, she can't get past resentments, doesn't trust me, I don't trust her, will be better for our kids, she can't live like this any more, etc. I told her that I'm not on-board, this is not something I support. Keeps "asking me" for a D. But...when she got home from work, she said she bought two new chairs for our kitchen table, so we could have 6.
This weekend, she has been as pleasant as can be. We went kayaking twice together, out to breakfast afterwards, lots of family activities, went to a party last night with a ton of our friends, etc. Hasn't brought up D at all. Talks about activities we have planned together in the coming weeks. In fact she just got home from the gym and is really cheery.
I can't find any evidence that she's hired a lawyer or made any real steps to D, other than trying to push me into it, which I'm not inclined to do. No evidence of a PA either, although I have been looking.
Totally confused on what's going on. Would appreciate any thoughts and kind words on how to bust this situation!
