The original agreement was I would stay Friday - Sunday and she would stay during the week.
To answer your question...looking back the truth darts probably didn't do what I intended. In the back of my mind seems like the more you repeat it the less effective it is e.g. in WW's mind "I've heard this before"
WW always pins her unhappiness on me which I know is normal Wayward speak. In June when I confronted WW about her drinking WW said "I drink to numb myself from the pain of this relationship" "I'm solving my drinking problem by ending this relationship"
Fast forward to this past Tuesday when we had the following exchange. This is regarding the text exchange when WW drew a corollary between her EA's and My Mom's previous marriages:
Me: Were you drinking Saturday night? WW: Yes...but I'm making a conscious effort to cut back. Especially when I work at night and am emotional. That's when I get into trouble. I think my therapist is going to help me mentally which will help me not need to drink.
The original agreement was I would stay Friday - Sunday and she would stay during the week.
To answer your question...looking back the truth darts probably didn't do what I intended. In the back of my mind seems like the more you repeat it the less effective it is e.g. in WW's mind "I've heard this before" I had the same^^^ experience. We cannot go back in time but man, if we could, I'd STFU and gone my own way and lived my life GAL without so much preoccupation and obsessing and wondering,
WW always pins her unhappiness on me which I know is normal Wayward speak. In June when I confronted WW about her drinking WW said "I drink to numb myself from the pain of this relationship" "I'm solving my drinking problem by ending this relationship" I'm sorry but when I read this^^ I just literally laughed out loud. Enough said.
Fast forward to this past Tuesday when we had the following exchange. This is regarding the text exchange when WW drew a corollary between her EA's and My Mom's previous marriages:
Me: Were you drinking Saturday night? WW: Yes...but I'm making a conscious effort to cut back. Especially when I work at night and am emotional. That's when I get into trouble. I think my therapist is going to help me mentally which will help me not need to drink.
Progress? Maybe
well yes, but I would not ask her about her drinking again (unless she is going to drive the kids. Then focus only on the combination of the two.
20 years ago I became dependent on pain killers after a back surgery. I recall taking a pill when h called to say he was heading home. Then I caught myself and wondered "WTF?" So there was some interplay, clearly. And my recovery was not something I shared much with my h. Probably shame based there, and H played on that at some level. Anyhow, Back to you -
You are not her parent. Lose the parental tone b/c you are her partner/lover/mate (or not) but that element of a parental lecture with interaction is often the undertone for a spouse fleeing.
This was something my DB coach told me long ago and it helped me to stop the urge to lecture b/c I felt so morally sure of myself.
I don't NOW think "oh I was wrong", but I sure did not have an effective approach. The crux of DBing is to do what works and stop what does not. In the end, even if we are "right", If our behavior is not working, it's time to stop.
It's like the cheesiness tunnels MWD refers to in her book. We stubbornly do something we think "should work" even when it is not. Or we do what once worked, long past the time it stopped.
Sometimes we have to decide if we want to be right or we want to be married.
The parental voice is not attracting, and when the spouse already have one foot out the door, it's counter productive.
Don't think I don't understand your point, I do. And yes she is making progress b/c she is talking about her drinking AND with a professional. My guess is that her T is going to work with her accountability.
Chances are, AA meetings will be suggested to your w if she is not quickly able to reduce her drinking. And chances are she won't want to discuss this with you. Which is fine.
Let her get sober and see where that goes, but put the focus back on YOU b/c as you have heard 204 times here (or more)
you are all you control. The Serenity prayer your w will hear at AA meetings is something we all need to use.
Her sobriety is not really your business at this point and it's not going to get you or her anywhere to get her feeling defensive. (Al Anon might be good for you to attend, btw). Let her recovery be her job and your GAL, yours.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree with 25. I know it's crazy, but nothing you say or do is going to get through to your W right now. Try and find a "sorry you feel that way. I'm just going to carry on looking after things here the best I can" tone maybe? And ignore as much of the self-pitying spew as possible. Focus hard on what is best for you and your daughters because your wife is on the crazy train and when she doesn't like the consequences of it, it's easier to blame you.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Try and find a "sorry you feel that way. I'm just going to carry on looking after things here the best I can" tone maybe? And ignore as much of the self-pitying spew as possible.
Thats the approach I really need to take going forward.
Helped my Dad pick up a replacement desk and put my parent's current desk in storage.
Had the following exchange with WW:
Me: Are you coming home tomorrow? WW: Not if you will be there Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. I'll set your packages on your work table. Enjoy the rest of your day. WW: Thx
Oh I have a question that I think I know the answer to:
My Mom's 80th Birthday is next week so I invited my family for dinner at our house. WW and my Mom really love each other and WW always planned her birthday celebrations in the past.
I did not invite my W to my birthday party last month. She moved out so for me she did not get to participate in my event, I also didn't want her there because at the time it was hard to be around her and she didn't make me happy. It was hard for me to tell her "no" but she didn't argue or put up a fight.
Just discovered that WW is staying with some good friends that we stayed with when we moved back down to this area. They're a couple that has been together close to 20 years.
Not reading into it but I think they'll be a good influence. Both of their parents have been married forever.
