Jmstl's thread-Part 3

[Jmstl]

After the park, I took the kids to a museum. Had a lot of fun with them.

On the way to drop off kids at W, D asked if I wanted to see her room. I said no. When she asked why, I said I don't want to go into mommy's apartment, because I don't live there.

Dropped the kids off, W had some things for me to take back. I had set a boundary that from now on, I will not go into her apt, and she will not come into mine.

She was sitting outside. After her typical Hi, she said "Nice Shoes!" Now, I did not know if she meant me or D, as D was wearing W's high heels to play in. I assumed it was D even though, she was looking at my feet. I just said "Yeah, D does have pretty cool shoes"

D stated out loud, while I was waiting outside that Daddy won't come in because he doesn't live here. W just said "I understand"

I was very short with my words. She asked if I needed help carrying things to the car. I said no. tried to get it all myself. She said, are you okay? Do you need to talk. I said, "No, I am fine" Then she said "You are like Yin/Yang. Some times you want to talk, sometimes you don't" I then simply responded "I am trying to detach" and she said "Ok" Then I said "If YOU want to talk, then okay"

Dropped a few things, she again asked if she could help carry stuff to the car and I finally said "Ok"

Went to Festival today with the person I went out with last week.
I had a lot of fun, but my guard was definitely up. I let her know my weekend was not the best. She understood. She was very handsy. I apologized for not being very physical, as my guard was up.

At one point she asked, "If your ex wanted you back, would you do it?" I thought for a minute, and said "I don't know. Definitely not like nothing happened. I don't believe divorce is the solution to our marital issues, but things would have to change. I would definitely have conditions, such as we each have IC, and we sit and have a long discussion about where our M started to break down, so that we could work on it" It was definitely thought provoking.

At the end of the night, I walked her to her car. She offered to give me a ride to mine, and I said "I would like to walk". She kissed me, and I kissed her back, but pulled back quick. I like her, and we definitely 'click', but my walls are up and I refuse to get hurt again. While I really wanted to be physical with her, my heart still belongs to W.

Hopefully, I am DBing decently today.

[Jmstl]

Dear DB diary,

I think I have given up all hope of ever working through this, and reconciling.

I had nightmares last night, and I think that has really impacted me today. I am trying hard to distract myself.

I don't want to give up hope, but I don't want to keep torturing myself either.

[Maika]

Sorry Jmstl. I know about nightmares. I'm still waking up with all the stress and the tension throwing out my back and shoulders on a weekly basis.

I am just wondering what your DB expectations are and what kind of timeline you're giving yourself and the situation?

I have tucked a small piece of hope away so I can resurrect it if I see positive signs. I haven't given up exactly, but I am not allowing hope to define my actions - by no means it's easy.

I know you're seeing an IC in a week or two. Hang in there until then.

Keep writing.

[Jmstl]

My DB hope is that we can have a positive relationship, start talking about things other than the children and maybe go on a date by next June. Originally I had hoped with could start reconciliation talks by November. I know she is worried about how to support the kids on just her income (Yeah, me too, and you make 10k more a year than I do!)We going to DW together next June. In my mind, my long term goal is to either reconnect then, or be reconnected by then.

I have heard that she is planning to have a divorce party with one our mutual friends immediately after the divorce is final.

[Jmstl]

Sorry Jmstl. I know about nightmares. I'm still waking up with all the stress and the tension throwing out my back and shoulders on a weekly basis.

I am just wondering what your DB expectations are and what kind of timeline you're giving yourself and the situation?

I have tucked a small piece of hope away so I can resurrect it if I see positive signs. I haven't given up exactly, but I am not allowing hope to define my actions - by no means it's easy.

I know you're seeing an IC in a week or two. Hang in there until then.

Keep writing.

Maika, see my post about yesterday's interaction. What are your thoughts on it?

[Kylo]

Jmstl,

Stay upbeat and happy around your W. Don't talk about what you're trying to do. I've read when they ask How are you, or if something is wrong. You say "Fine" or "Nothing is wrong" with a smile and stay upbeat. Prime yourself ahead of time if you know you are coming into a short meeting with W.

I'm no dream expert, but I wouldn't read anything into them. It is your mind putting your thoughts and experiences into a story that makes little sense.

I'm also biased because my W would wake up mad at me because of something I did in her dream. She would act like I needed to make amends.

[Maika]

I think the conversations seem fine to me, but it is very hard to know what kind of tone you're using. Short responses can be good, but getting the tone right is always a challenge. Sometimes it can come across as curt, especially in the beginning.

About the yin/yang comment from her - I would've avoided saying that you're trying to detach. I know it's what you're doing, but it sounds rough when you hear it. I would've gone with something like - "I am sorry to have come across that way. I know this is tough on everyone and I am just trying to figure out things."

It's not a big deal and you didn't backslide or anything. These types of responses come with time and practice. I find that I always take a short pause before I answer and that helps me to frame the meat of what I want to say. I always pay attention to the tone and how I deliver my response - just want to be calm and direct.

In the past if she tried to help you with things, did you let her? If not, then take up her offer to help you. The example you gave was a very small act and it wouldn't have had any major consequences if you let her help you.

About the other woman - I don't have much advice to give but I will give you some reflections. I think your words and actions are not matching up with her. If you talk to her about your MR and all of that stuff and then still kiss her at the end of the day, it gives the wrong impression. She can tell you're conflicted and is trying to get you out of the conflict possibly in her favour.

My personal two cents - if you're conflicted, resolve that conflict and then act. If you truly want to hang out with her as a friend, then you have to rebuff her moves and limit your one-on-one activities with her. Your inner conflict may end up hurting her if things don't go her way, and also muddy your emotions.

I think it feels easy to work out whatever you're feeling through someone who is giving you love, time, and affection because you really need that in this situation. But, at the end of the day it's at best a good distraction and at its worst, leaving many people hurt.

I am sorry if I am projecting too much of myself in this situation, but I think it would be really hard for me to not succumb to the temptation and affection that is right there - which would only complicate matters for me as I still want to be with W.

I don't know. I don't think there are simple ways of navigating this. Just do things that help you become stronger and heal - and do it without expending any feelings of a third party.

[Jmstl]

There is no need to apologize for projecting yourself. My tone did come across as curt, and I even initiated a message later in the day saying, I apologize if I came off as curt, that was not my intention.

I know I probably should not have done that, but one of our key issues was the area of communication. I want to show that I can be a good communicator, without necessarily opening myself up emotionally in the situation, because I am trying to detach.

I would let her in the past help me with things, yes. The reason I initially said no, was because I was trying to show her that I don't /need/ her help.

When she drops off S1 tonight, should I even ask how she is doing? Or should I just say Hi, answer any questions she may have and walk away?

I want to show her that I can be pleasant to be around. I want her to WANT to come back. But having such limited communication makes that nearly impossible.

[TBSakaJ9]

You should be friendly, upbeat. If she asks what's wrong then in my opinion you need to tweak your respomses, etc. You should not come off like your pissed.

[Maika]

What J said. I don't see any harm in asking how she's doing. She may ask you that back in return and be upbeat and chill.

Benni had said something that stuck with me - in the beginning these interactions can be charged because they're new and both people are trying to figure out this new communication terrain. It keeps both people on edge and it's hard to have good interactions. But, if you stay upbeat and chill then at least you're taking the edge off the interaction. Do it consistently and W will then be able to take her edge off. This could then lead to some authentic interactions, which can give insight into how to proceed with tweaking your DB approach.

Don't worry if it's a short interaction. Even if it's "hi, how's your day". It's still good as long as you're upbeat and positive. Even if you don't feel you can be that, just pretend and act that way.