She would start off the sentence and then let me finish
"Raysd when WW says you're mean it's because I'm holding you accountable for your actions"
"Raysd when WW says you're mean it's because I'm treating you like an adult"
"Raysd when WW says you're being nice it's because I'm being a doormat"
I get it. And I agree with your T's take.
To the WAS, anything we say other than "we miss them because of their unique greatness"
means we are whining, nagging, abusing them. And THAT Is why they must leave!!
I am a L, (but a nice person!)
So I consider myself a bit of a wordsmith. But my "brilliant legal reasoning & powerful arguments" made no difference to my h. I kept at it far too long, believing if I selected the right words and said them in just the correct order, I'd get though to him.
But I Could not reach him. I could not understand him and nothing I said made a difference to him. Sometimes he ran faster & farther. The more I challenged his choices, the more he defended them.
Looking back, I'm forced to ask if h even knew his own truth. Maybe he didn't even know then that time/attention to our family and our marriage, were more like "options" to h, certainly not the main priority in his life.
Our family was not "temporarily displaced b/c h was confused in a fog" but b/c his values were not mine. I projected MY own moral compass on him. That's why I was so confused by his behavior, it did not correspond to anything I would do.
By moving on, we demonstrate our progress via actions & not words. We show that we are people to miss, we are treasures to value and the reality is that - in the real world, it is we who are moving on, leaving the WAS behind. Because we are good catches. Their fear of being alone haunts them - yet they crave the freedom, the freedom to break vows and hurt others, while the blame goes outward.
The only way we can give them something to miss, is to NOT be available to them, moving on from them. That's not saying to give up. I believe reconciliation is a worthy goal and can happen. (In my case, piecing was the overlooked part, and my regret.)
Your course of action is the same regardless of whether you want a reconciliation or to be free from this m.
GAL is needed to Detach and detachment is needed for peace of mind. When we see this - then our path becomes clearer.
The "act as if" means so much to this process.
(**Speaking of Acting As If"** Amy Cuddy/Sean Achor have youtube videos on positive psychology with strong empirical data
We can create internal change with some external behaviors. Sort of an "outside in" way of change rather than feeling something before we change an action.
I highly recommend the videos.)
Also, economy of words is powerful.
Hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
By moving on, we demonstrate our progress via actions & not words. We show that we are people to miss, we are treasures to value and the reality is that - in the real world, it is we who are moving on, leaving the WAS behind. Because we are good catches. Their fear of being alone haunts them - yet they crave the freedom, the freedom to break vows and hurt others, while the blame goes outward.
Wow...just WOW
I'll check out the videos on the YouTubes
Sheer brilliance 25 and I thank you so much for the reply!!!
So my Mom is twice divorced with a son from each marriage. In a bizarre text exchange last weekend, WW drew a corollary between WW's EA's and my Mom's past.
WW: "I don't judge your Mom so you shouldn't judge me"
WW also repeatedly says "I'm not a bad person and I won't let you make me think otherwise"
She always blames me for her unhappiness. Also, the timeframe of her unhappiness with the MR changes as well...10 years, 7 years, last year, etc.
Not sure if you have read the 37 guidelines Sandi assembled, but they are worth reading often. Don't argue with your w about the m.
She cannot be talked into a different behavior. She's doing a puzzle and you can't hover over her shoulder fitting the pieces for her, she's on her own journey...alone...
Originally Posted By: Raysd6
So my Mom is twice divorced with a son from each marriage. In a bizarre text exchange last weekend, WW drew a corollary between WW's EA's and my Mom's past.
WW: "I don't judge your Mom so you shouldn't judge me"
WW also repeatedly says "I'm not a bad person and I won't let you make me think otherwise" Are you trying to shame her into staying? It won't work... Your mom is irrelevant to this.
And you don't want to fuel her victimhood by calling her out. It's one thing to enforce a boundary (w, if you are not here on time to take the girls to school/gymnastics/etc, I'll take them myself. They can't be late." That's not you controlling her, that's you acting for the kids in the event your w does not keep her word.
NO judgement no criticism just you taking care of the kids and yourself as if your w is not there, b/c she's not.
I spent a lot of energy maintaining the illusion that my h was still vested in our m and family life. He was gone A LOT, so I seemed to have only seen what validated my choice to stay.
Pay attention only to what your w DOES and NOT what she says. I'd tell myself "oh she's humming again," and go about your day, if she tries to revise things for the 30575Th time.
She always blames me for her unhappiness. Also, the timeframe of her unhappiness with the MR changes as well...10 years, 7 years, last year, etc.
Ignore the marital revisions. She is not happy and the only thing she thinks she can fix (not herself!!)
is you.
She must justify her choices and she will, by making herself the hero and you the villain. Don't take the bait. Seriously, your silence will speak volumes and gives her nothing to debate or argue with.
Save your breath for positive affirmations to your kids. They need them.
If you have deficits as a h, and you do b/c you're human, work on them. Be the best man and dad you can be. It's the right thing to do no matter what.
Then hold your head high and hope your w crashes soon...and most importantly, be the rock for your kids.
.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I absolutely ignore the marital revisions. Looking through photos, FB posts, and FB checkins from the last 7 years tells me that she hasn't really been wanting to D the last 10, 7, you pick the number of years
I wouldn't say I'm trying to shame her into staying. I'll hit her with a truth dart where I think it might be appropriate
A few weeks ago we were sitting on the patio:
WW: I want to go back to the original agreement where I stay here during the week and you're here on the weekends Me: No. I want 50/50...week on week off WW: Well I don't have a place to stay and you do Me: Not my problem you're the one who wants to D WW: (angrily) Time for me to go then Me: It's your mess you're going to have to deal with the consequences WW: It's both of our mess Me: I'm not the one who went outside the marriage to seek comfort and validation from the opposite sex multiple times
I try not to make moral judgements at the same time I don't hesitate to hit her with the occasional truth dart. Occasionally WW will say "keep your negative comments to yourself"
I absolutely ignore the marital revisions. Looking through photos, FB posts, and FB checkins from the last 7 years tells me that she hasn't really been wanting to D the last 10, 7, you pick the number of years
Just my opinion, okay? But why bother trying to verify HER present day recall of the past? I don't think it will help you to think that "On Feb 4 of 2008, SHE changed!"
It's pointless. And it means you are second guessing your own recall. Been there, done that.
I wouldn't say I'm trying to shame her into staying. I'll hit her with a truth dartwhere I think it might be appropriate
Again, I'm leading with MY own reaction, okay? Sometimes an LBSer feels/ hopes that a WAS will react a certain way when they are hit by a "truth dart" but here is MY take.
I think a "truth dart" is a comment intended to sting the partner or get them to have an awakening.
IT is aimed at getting a reaction from the WAS and it never ever achieves the real goal.
Some will argue that the truth dart make the Walk Away spouse " silent" as if that is a victory. It's not. The WAS will not slap their forehead and realize that the LBS is right!
and they are wrong! And selfish! And dishonest! And the WAS wants to change!
And Now they want to come home and undo the damage! and and and blah blah blah.
NOPE, It just looks angry, or petty or futile on the part of the LBS who utters it.
I am sorry to say all this^^ b/c I have seen that phrase for years. But it has always struck me as counter productive.
A few weeks ago we were sitting on the patio:
WW: I want to go back to the original agreement where I stay here during the week and you're here on the weekends
Sorry but what agreement is she referring to?
Me: No. I want 50/50...week on week off WW: Well I don't have a place to stay and you do Me: Not my problem you're the one who wants to D WW: (angrily) Time for me to go then Me: It's your mess you're going to have to deal with the consequences WW: It's both of our mess Me: I'm not the one who went outside the marriage to seek comfort and validation from the opposite sex multiple times I think staying on message and being briefer than you want to be, is empowering.
Say less, not more.
I try not to make moral judgements at the same time I don't hesitate to hit her with the occasional truth dart. Occasionally WW will say "keep your negative comments to yourself"
I understand the temptation to call them out and when it affects you or the kids, say your piece.
But do you think the truth darts are helping you in any way? I'm asking.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
