Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
LA

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You sound pretty good right now. Remember that It's not a linear process.
Oh how I wish it was, because this up and down nonsense is draining. I can't imagine feeling this way for months(years?) on end.


You will have peaceful days, good days, and you will backslide or something will trigger you.


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Recently I think the upcoming year milestone has triggered some old feelings in me (and it's raining, again, outside. I miss the west coast weather and my older kids)

The other trigger for me is that our big hearing is in a month, and a lot of my financial future hinges on it.
I can definitely see that these looming events are having an effect. Who can blame you?! However, if the hearing goes well financially, I think that will do you a world of good. I can't imagine feeling tied to H so completely in that way. Having someone so unpredictable responsible for your finances is not a way to live. Don't be too envious of the west coast weather, it's been in the 100s for the last few days.
Yes I have made progress. I have let go of the desire for a reconciliation, about as much as is possible.

I am excited about my own future, *starting it for real, without the financial sword of Damocles over my head. I'm ready to date without a big fat chip on my shoulder. I've been asked out and think I'll start accepting the invites.

I really really want this divorce process (legally/financially speaking) to be over.

The certainty of a budget will free me a lot. The job market here is hard for an out of state lawyer (hiring freeze for the feds) but I'm working on getting something b/c I need the structure (and the income) and I look so forward to not needing h for money!

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It's really the last tie he has over any of us. Several months ago, d20 told me she did not want to have to speak to h and that "after he pays for college I'll have no reason to speak to him again." I told her that her dad loves her and she (and her siblings) ALL asked me to stop saying that and not to defend him again. They were clear.

My youngest child (for whom he cut off college funding, though we paid for the older 2) was awarded a huge cost reduction for college, which was SUCH a relief and gift from the God. I can't even express that enough. (And my s31 spearheaded the application for us and did 90% of the work). It's a load off my mind and a huge stress relief for her, and she has been troubled in the past. Things like that help a lot.

I'm proud of my son and grateful my kids are close to each other and we are all tight. What a blessing.

H's loss & he doesn't even know it.
It is completely H's loss. He may not see it now, but maybe when he's older and things aren't going so well for him, he will realize. I have a friend who has been divorced for 9 years. Her H had been cheating on her and it was clear that wasn't going to stop. When her D was 8 months old she filed. She told me of interviewing L's with an 8 month old in a carrier and sometimes driving away because she was too scared. She finally did and was able to forge a new life. After suffering depression and anxiety, she finally came out the other side. A month ago, her Ex-H was diagnosed w/ cancer. It brought him to his knees. They've had many soul-baring convos since then and after 9 years, he finally apologized for all of the mistakes he's made. It's sad that's what it took, but I guess better late than never. He is lucky his D is willing to forgive and move on, as he was a less than stellar father as well. Maybe your H will get to that place and if he does, hopefully your kids will be open to him (if only for themselves). It should make you feel so proud to see them come together not only for each other, but for their mom as well. I know seeing my S's protective nature come out, has made me feel unbelievably good. Same for my family. They have stepped up in a big way and given so much support. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Sure, I struggle with the injustice of it all. (The last week has really been a drag. Lots of rain and medical bills from last fall that are still unpaid. I hate that)

At night it's worse for me b/c I let my mental guard down. I do the cognitive work in the day that reminds me of what real unfairness is like to get perspective.

Of my 5 closest lifelong friends, 3 are facing major challenges in their lives (a double lung transplant & rejection, a friend who lost her son last fall to an unknown heart defect, and my dear friend who I'm meeting tomorrow, has cancer.

Whereas I sometimes think there's so much uncertainty for me, relatively speaking, I'm in good shape b/c I know my divorce process will end at some point, and I won't be so poor that I'll be on the street (I am getting half the pensions and they are arriving now, finally). And I feel my health is mostly restored. I'm around the corner from good things.

And I have health insurance too, and family and close friends are in the area and very supportive.

I'm working through a lot of changes that happened in a short time, and I will NOT repress or pretend it does not hurt or infuriate me. I don't want anymore secrets or shamed silence.

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But I also won't wallow or stay stuck or become bitter. I'm a good person with a lot to give and I believe I have a lot coming my way.
I do think this is half the battle. There were two playing a part in the marriage breakdown. With that being said, you're a good woman, wife and mother, who wants the best for your family. Any man would be a fool not to see and appreciate that. You are smart, resourceful (getting through all that you have, you'd have to be) and will turn the corner once this is all done to a healthier, happier life. I'm sure of it.

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H has some defects I must have avoided or deflected from. Or been blind to. I will figure that out.

I also became far too complacent about the m recently, b/c I think I believed that once D20 was out of the house, we would address what we each wanted. We once had a very good m, and knowing that makes it harder at times, to see it end. Or to realize the future you planned is not to be. At no time did h say he was unhappy or wanted to change anything. Not once.
I think everyone has defects, but maybe the good outweighed the bad? Or at the point you are already married and realize that, you find ways to work around them. You weren't so quick to abandon the marriage as he has done. I think a good majority of us are guilty of being complacent or we wouldn't be where we're at now. Without good communication on both sides though, how do you know the severity of the situation? If there are issues, they always need to be worked on in the now and most times with a professional. I have to say, this does concern me for any future Rs. How will I ever trust any R is on solid ground? I thought we were with just normal R issues. Never did he tell me he was so unhappy. I feel like I will always have that in the back of my head and feel on edge for any other man. God help them.

I mistakenly interpreted h's work ethic and intelligence as meaning he had character or was honest. I know with all my heart I'd never have done anything like this to him or our kids.

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When I feel there's an "equation" to this that I am "losing", I remind myself of my own loyalty and what he lost, and I realize, (usually) that I probably dodged a bullet.
My brother tells me that all the time. He says better to know now, rebuild and live a happy, secure life from here on.

His recent behavior has benefited me in 2 ways. I am not looking over my shoulder trying to dance for him to come back. No thanks.

And the mourning I was doing, has been propelled forward like a rocket. If he can behave this way, I'm so ooooo not interested in going backwards. Being without him or any man, is better than being with someone who could do these things.

When the money piece is complete, I don't think I will look back much at all.

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You sound as if your eyes are open, but the new account he opened is something to watch. There is no "good" reason for that. Sorry.

New Ow's need attention and that means money, and if they are planning a life together they may justify keeping all the money.
This may have been someone else, because H and I always had separate bank accounts. He only opened a new cell account. There still is no "good" reason for that other than him not wanting me to see who he's calling, but I digress. Yes, OW definitely needs $. A quick Google search of her name showed she makes 1/3 of what he does (public info since she works for a pub school). I will never stop being amazed at what Google reveals on a person's background. Anyway, I'm sure she's loving that and he's loving being the big spender.

We had a lovely home i did not feel we could afford when we bought it.

Both older kids recall hearing ME saying I thought we were "Biting off more than we could chew" but h insisted b/c the "land will double in value".

He was wrong. It's not factually important now but he put in his legal pleading that I "made him buy it". Aside from not ever being able to make that cheapskate buy anything he did not want to, it's just weird.

It is such a distortion of reality/history. I mean, it's the opposite of true.

My point is they can do some serious marital revisions and that means they can justify things you'd never believe.

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sorry to be scaring you b/c I believe a truly honest appraisal of our marriages in light of these betrayals is at first devastating and can bring you to your knees.
This isn't scaring me, but is just sad. I've already seen him do this with his declarations of how miserable he's been and how it's been over for a long time. I know he's has to say this to not only justify his indefensible actions, as well as prove to the OW. Don't get me wrong, it's hurtful, but not even close to being 100% true. Unhappy at times, yes. Unhappy only with just me, no. This is from a man who has had a lot of loss in his life he's not dealt with and issues in our marriage we never confronted. He's running and I know this, but until he comes to me - NOT MY PROBLEM.

Later, with some time and insight, and a lot of work (as you see here), we tend to WAKE up for our lives and live them more authentically and fully.

I'm DOING more than I did before my mom died, and I love more people and an connecting meaningfully.

I'm nearing the time of enacting my "new life" trying to get overseas.

I just did not think this divorce would take so long. If you can get some money (not more than half since that's his)

to prepare for the possibility that your h may go a bit bonkers, you might have more peace of mind.

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Bluewave's h had an affair and returned and they are now in "piecing" trying to rebuild their m.
Will definitely take a look at least to read a positive turn and curious what that has brought to the mix.

Check out her thread so that If you and your h try to reconcile down the road, you'll have some guidance.

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My h & I reconciled for years but I never asked him to get IC. I wish I had. Not that he'd have had the awakening I thought he had, but maybe the truth is that he really did not place a big priority on family time.

He evidently prefers living on the tundra - even before the OW (I think) and living away from us in other states or cities, was his preference. He wasn't that into 7 days a week parenting.

Seems obvious now...so maybe knowing this 10 years ago would have saved me time, but as my T says, "regrets are counter productive once you know what you would do differently."
IC is something I think my husband needs now. He's extremely inconsistent (once every 4-6 months, what's the point?) and believe he doesn't go now because he doesn't want to face the mirror. If your H would have gone, it may have revealed the truth early on, but it also may have allowed him to do things in a better way. It's bad enough the M is breaking up, but the hurt is compounded by how they've treated us and the kids in the process.

And that's something I need to be disciplined about. Re-framing my perspective and reinvigorating my faith.

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Keep posting, hang in there.
I'm still sad, but hanging in there. You too. You're so close to some real closure.
((( )))


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17