Squinting at the morning sun

[ciluzen]

So, new and unexpected update.

WARNING:
I will sound bitter, vengeful, hateful and well...just a plain awful human being. I know this. Get your 2x4s ready...no need to pad them or soften them in any way. I guess I have allowed anger to simmer for too long and kept the lid on it. It has officially bumped the lid a bit since going to the river house and my almost glee mixed with white hot coals of suppressed anger caused the lid to fly off officially this morning as my feelings bubbled over, burning my firstborn.

I was mad at D26 for basically defending Bubbles and her dad when I last talked to her. She knew I was upset about the visit to the house. She let me know she would pop up to the river just for a short time this weekend anyway...her right, of course. He is her father. Then she posted a picture on FB from the river on Friday night. Again, her right. But those pictures upset me every time. I don't know how to stop it. So, I did what I've done with every other person who would post from there ... I unfriended her. My own daughter. I told myself what I've told myself with everyone else...she has my number and knows where I live. BUT SHE'S MY DAUGHTER. I told myself, its just FB. Amazing how much that has become important in my life.

I had a second date with musician guy last night. It was nice, he is sweet, and...I see no future other than friendship. And he seems to like me. I was mulling this over today and dealing with those feelings when D26 called.

She had to drive XH to the hospital again. See my last post about Karma?

Bubbles and family bought a new boat. XH apparently helped pick it out. He jumped out of the boat at one point and cut his leg open on the propeller. Blood everywhere. If it had been turning fast, he would have lost his leg. He instead received 17 stitches. She was telling me this because she "knew he was sending pictures to all of his friends and family and she didn't want me to hear it from someone else and freak out." I'll let that statement sink in as it did for me, the person who obviously doesn't fit into either category for him.

Here's where I am an awful person. I felt NOTHING...at least not what you'd expect from someone who loved him unconditionally for so long. I did feel something, though. Lines from certain scenes in "The Color Purple" played in my head. Where Celie (sp) basically tells Mister that until he does right by her, everything he does is going to fail, that everything that makes him happy will bite him (my memory is not great here). "God is Tryin' to Tell You Somethin'" was playing in my head. I know, I'm dramatic. But I was giving no f***s.

I then told D26, "I'm sorry this happened to YOU. That you are basically his only family up here, now. But you don't need to update me on your dad ever again. After my trip to the river house, I just give up. I don't care anymore." I think she was shocked. Good. And, its not that I don't care; my reaction was way too dramatic for that. I just did not viscerally feel his pain as I usually do with those I care about. I felt no need to call and talk to him... or even hear any more about the details. I once was joined at the hip. I realize I'm free of that.

His greatest fears have been not being able to protect his loved ones and going to the hospital, not being able to work. I guess part of self improvement is being forced to face your fears. Sometimes we are forced to and sometimes we get a little (or big) nudge. I realize its all up to the plan of some higher power, and not necessarily what I think I want or would hope for. But really...the first time out in the new boat? I am an a$$...but I'm kind of laughing. I never thought I'd behave this way about anyone's misfortune, and treat my daughter this way...but really?!

So, let me have it. I already have been battling reflux this week...a new thing for me and my cast iron stomach. I'm m sure there will be repercussions for my behavior towards D26 and my words about XH, but my knees are bent and I'm ready.