My husband filed for divorce

[25yearsmlc]

LA

You sound pretty good right now. Remember that It's not a linear process.


You will have peaceful days, good days, and you will backslide or something will trigger you.


Recently I think the upcoming year milestone has triggered some old feelings in me (and it's raining, again, outside. I miss the west coast weather and my older kids)

The other trigger for me is that our big hearing is in a month, and a lot of my financial future hinges on it.

Yes I have made progress. I have let go of the desire for a reconciliation, about as much as is possible.

I am excited about my own future, *starting it for real, without the financial sword of Damocles over my head. I'm ready to date without a big fat chip on my shoulder. I've been asked out and think I'll start accepting the invites.

I really really want this divorce process (legally/financially speaking) to be over.

The certainty of a budget will free me a lot. The job market here is hard for an out of state lawyer (hiring freeze for the feds)

but I'm working on getting something b/c I need the structure (and the income) and I look so forward to not needing h for money!

It's really the last tie he has over any of us. Several months ago, d20 told me she did not want to have to speak to h and that "after he pays for college I'll have no reason to speak to him again." I told her that her dad loves her and she (and her siblings) ALL asked me to stop saying that and not to defend him again. They were clear.

My youngest child (for whom he cut off college funding, though we paid for the older 2)

was awarded a huge cost reduction for college, which was SUCH a relief and gift from the God. I can't even express that enough. (And my s31 spearheaded the application for us and did 90% of the work).

It's a load off my mind and a huge stress relief for her, and she has been troubled in the past. Things like that help a lot.

I'm proud of my son and grateful my kids are close to each other and we are all tight.
What a blessing.

H's loss & he doesn't even know it.

Sure, I struggle with the injustice of it all. (The last week has really been a drag. Lots of rain and medical bills from last fall that are still unpaid. I hate that)

At night it's worse for me b/c I let my mental guard down. I do the cognitive work in the day that reminds me of what real unfairness is like to get perspective.

Of my 5 closest lifelong friends, 3 are facing major challenges in their lives (a double lung transplant & rejection, a friend who lost her son last fall to an unknown heart defect, and my dear friend who I'm meeting tomorrow, has cancer.

Whereas I sometimes think there's so much uncertainty for me, relatively speaking, I'm in good shape b/c I know my divorce process will end at some point, and I won't be so poor that I'll be on the street (I am getting half the pensions and they are arriving now, finally). And I feel my health is mostly restored. I'm around the corner from good things.

And I have health insurance too, and family and close friends are in the area and very supportive.

I'm working through a lot of changes that happened in a short time, and I will NOT repress or pretend it does not hurt or infuriate me. I don't want anymore secrets or shamed silence.

But I also won't wallow or stay stuck or become bitter. I'm a good person with a lot to give and I believe I have a lot coming my way.

H has some defects I must have avoided or deflected from. Or been blind to. I will figure that out.

I also became far too complacent about the m recently, b/c I think I believed that once D20 was out of the house, we would address what we each wanted. We once had a very good m, and knowing that makes it harder at times, to see it end. Or to realize the future you planned is not to be.

At no time did h say he was unhappy or wanted to change anything. Not once.

I mistakenly interpreted h's work ethic and intelligence as meaning he had character or was honest. I know with all my heart I'd never have done anything like this to him or our kids.

When I feel there's an "equation" to this that I am "losing", I remind myself of my own loyalty and what he lost, and I realize, (usually) that I probably dodged a bullet.


His recent behavior has benefited me in 2 ways. I am not looking over my shoulder trying to dance for him to come back. No thanks.

And the mourning I was doing, has been propelled forward like a rocket. If he can behave this way, I'm so ooooo not interested in going backwards. Being without him or any man, is better than being with someone who could do these things.

When the money piece is complete, I don't think I will look back much at all.

You sound as if your eyes are open, but the new account he opened is something to watch. There is no "good" reason for that. Sorry.

New Ow's need attention and that means money, and if they are planning a life together they may justify keeping all the money.

We had a lovely home i did not feel we could afford when we bought it.

Both older kids recall hearing ME saying I thought we were "Biting off more than we could chew" but h insisted b/c the "land will double in value".

He was wrong. It's not factually important now but he put in his legal pleading that I "made him buy it". Aside from not ever being able to make that cheapskate buy anything he did not want to, it's just weird.

It is such a distortion of reality/history. I mean, it's the opposite of true.

My point is they can do some serious marital revisions and that means they can justify things you'd never believe.

sorry to be scaring you b/c I believe a truly honest appraisal of our marriages in light of these betrayals is at first devastating and can bring you to your knees.

Later, with some time and insight, and a lot of work (as you see here), we tend to WAKE up for our lives and live them more authentically and fully.

I'm DOING more than I did before my mom died, and I love more people and an connecting meaningfully.

I'm nearing the time of enacting my "new life" trying to get overseas.

I just did not think this divorce would take so long. If you can get some money (not more than half since that's his)

to prepare for the possibility that your h may go a bit bonkers, you might have more peace of mind.

Bluewave's h had an affair and returned and they are now in "piecing" trying to rebuild their m.

Check out her thread so that If you and your h try to reconcile down the road, you'll have some guidance.

My h & I reconciled for years but I never asked him to get IC. I wish I had. Not that he'd have had the awakening I thought he had, but maybe the truth is that he really did not place a big priority on family time.

He evidently prefers living on the tundra - even before the OW (I think) and living away from us in other states or cities, was his preference. He wasn't that into 7 days a week parenting.

Seems obvious now...so maybe knowing this 10 years ago would have saved me time, but as my T says, "regrets are counter productive once you know what you would do differently."

And that's something I need to be disciplined about. Re-framing my perspective and reinvigorating my faith.

Keep posting, hang in there.

((( )))