My husband filed for divorce

[daisy82]

Hi all,
I just found this site and Michele's book last week.
This is my first post & I'm hoping to get some clarity, guidance, perspective.

July 21st after a small argument, not speaking for a couple of days, my husband told me he's miserable & I made his life miserable & wants a divorce.
I had just gotten home from work when he came to the bedroom & dropped this bomb.
He started to walk out & I asked if he had nothing else to say & couldn't we talk about it?
He didn't want to, but allowed me 5-10 minutes where he proceeded to blame me for all of his unhappiness, then left. He came back the next day, didn't say a word to me, nor I to him, got a few things & left.
Came back the following day to water, get some things from the garage & left.
I heard nothing from him until the following Tuesday when he told me he was going to an attorney to start the process & would like to be fair.
What would I like moneywise, assets. BTW, we just bought a house 3 months ago.
I didn't respond because I was actually going to counseling that day & wanted some direction before I responded.
My therapist suggested I simply ask to talk in person & leave it at that. I did & he said no, there's no going back just wanted to know what I wanted in the divorce. I said ok & do what you need to do.
He proceeded to text me a few more times over the next couple of days with the same & tried to ignore him until I finally told him to stop & give me a chance to see an attorney as well.

He came by the house on Saturday to get more things from the garage. I only heard him when he was in the front of the house & looked out the window just in time to see him flip off the house. I texted him that if he wanted to be civil, why would he do that? He responded angrily that now I was crying (when I looked out the window I was crying & had been before he got there) but wasn't emotional when he left.
As I mentioned we just bought a house & are in the middle of renovations.
I had just gotten the a/c repaired after it not working for the last 2 months & hearing it on made him angry. He believes the length of time it's taken to complete projects is all my fault (indecisive).
Now that he's left I'm on the ball & get the a/c fixed (hence the finger). We proceeded to go back & forth over text & I finally just called him & asked him to talk to me. He was angry & said he hated our relationship, I was controlling.
He said I never let him make any decisions in our old apt. & thought things would change when we bought this house.
Our sex life was pretty non-existent, said I hated his friends (a couple, not all), the city we live in (not my first choice, but getting used to it), we didn't have kids because I was too controlling. I have a son from a previous relationship and once my son hit 19, he left the house & went to live w/ my parents.
Now he says, I let my son leave when he was still in high school (not true) because I didn't like the way he parented my son. I always thought he was a little too hard, but acknowledged I was just being overprotective, but never stopped him from parenting because it wasn't abusive/harmful.
Outside of my dad/brothers, he is the only father-figure my son has & has been in my son's life for more than half of it. Sex & choices on the house I knew were an issue, but the others were all new to me. We ended the conversation with him saying he's sorry it has to be this way, but he was filing. I texted him after that I loved him & was sorry I didn't make him happy. He texted he loves me too, doesn't hate me just the relationship & is sorry its come to this.
Some relationship backstory... We've been together 14 years and married almost 10 (in Sept). I thought we had a good relationship, not perfect, but laughed a lot & truly enjoyed being w/ one another.
He left one time before about 7-8 years ago for a few weeks, but came back.
We briefly went to counseling, but really only tried to work on our communication ourselves, which I thought we were. He has been stressed. His mother who he was close to, passed away in '09 & this Jan. his father was diagnosed with dementia. B/t his sister & himself, they've been trying to care for their dad, who still lives alone but is declining in certain aspects. He & his sister constantly fight over his father's care.
He's had a lot of built-up aggression & started individual counseling, anger mgmt classes about 1.5 years go. It's been inconsistent though.
Add the stresses of a new house, renovations & our own marital issues & he blew.
The initial "small" argument was that we were supposed to travel to his friend's wedding.
I was responsible for booking travel. It was expensive, but offered to pitch in because I knew it was important to him. Was prolonging it in hopes of finding a deal but hadn't recently communicated that. Two days before he left, he told me to stop looking & we weren't going. He didn't want to look dumb & cancel at the last minute. It's a petty reason, but I really believe w/ all of the stress he was looking forward to this trip. When it didn't happen, he was upset & all of that highlighted my flaws.
Since our last phone conversation, he filed on 8/31 - I looked it up online. I believe (not 100% sure)they tried to serve me 2 days later.
I was in the shower & could hear the doorbell ringing (we never have visitors).
By the time I got out, no one was there. It's been a week & I'm just waiting for them to come back. In 2 weeks, my son is moving 5 hours away to finish school.
He texted if he could come by to discuss the sale of the house but I told him I was busy w/ my son's move. I also still haven't received any legal counsel & said once I get through this move, I will deal w/ the divorce. He said fine, but he's only seen a paralegal & was trying not to go the attorney route, so this would be civil. He has also not even bothered to call my son, which is really hurtful. I would normally say our son, but based on his actions, it's too painful.

Like many, this severe reaction is coming out of nowhere. I knew some of these issues, I just didn't know how deep they ran. His lack of interest in trying to work things through, go to counseling, which he says we've tried (yes, 8 years ago for 3 sessions), is shocking to me.
My first reaction was an affair, but I looked through our phone bills & nothing too suspicious (although he has since removed his phone from the family account).
He doesn't go out at night or on weekends w/out me that would cause suspicion.
I'm not ruling it out, but I'm also trying not to focus on that too much either.

I love my husband & would love nothing more than to reconcile & work on our marriage.
I know my part in this.
I also know, I have little control in that aspect, but with the filing it all seems to be going so fast. I haven't had any communication with him in a week and have little hope.
As I approach the 3rd week since he's left, I'm slowly picking myself off the floor and trying to GAL (counseling, reading the book, had drinks w/ friends).
There is zero communication, but I know I will have to text him about the mortgage payment.
He makes it & it hasn't been done. I'm dreading a response that he will not.

I apologize for the length, it just spilled out.
Thoughts, insight, suggestions are truly appreciated.

LAJar,
I'm with you. We have a lot of similarities. (I believe) My husband started his EA in late June/early July, we bought a house on July 28 and he moved out, after I exposed his EA and told him to leave since he didn't want to stop, on August 9. I have no advice to share, since I am literally in the same boat, but just wanted to tell you I'm here for you.