Drastic changes & mixed signals - what to do?

[daisy82]

I can't get rid of the pit feeling in my stomach. The anxiety is terrible.

yes it can be terrible. I thought I was past it b/c I'm usually not obsessing,, but as the one year mark is approaching, I've done a bit of back sliding.

So I went to my doctor and asked for a sleeping aid, and it has helped me a lot and reduces the anxiety I was having at bed time (fear of terrifying dreams).

I don't believe you need to tell your h anything about the sex, or to keep having it if you don't want to. The advice varies here, but it is an intensely personal matter. Don't let anyone talk you into it or out of it, including me.

But look at how you feel afterwards, and you'll know the answer. Besides, it if was great, maybe let that be his last memory of it. I'm not on board with just having sex and walking away - ask yourself if that feel natural to you.

As for OW, yeah, don't let her have anymore free rent in your head. Or him for that matter. She's beneath you even acknowledging. As for him calling her, for all you know he's telling her he's torn and doesn't want to keep seeing her. Point is, we don't know. When I let my mind wander to how great my h and OW must be, I have to force myself to remember that for all we know, he's rolling his eyes at her, or she's snapping at him or he is wishing he still had the family we created, and regretting that he had Not hurt the 4 people who loved him the most. There is a lot of wreckage.

We just don't know.

Caroline Myss (author) has a prayer I want to live by:

"Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know, and constant wondering is constant suffering."
Caroline Myss


My main advice is to really protect your finances. Find out where the money is and look retroactively to see if he's been hiding any. Don't be shocked if he has, statistically it's likely. And I'm sorry to tell you that.

And see a L asap. I'm NOT telling you to file for divorce, you need "Do" nothing.

But protect yourself and your kids, so you can choose to stay or leave based on information about your options. Don't stay b/c you fear leaving.

Knowledge is power.

I'm sorry you are here, but it's the best place to be for a lousy reason.

Keep posting. Hang in there. It gets better.

The anxiety is mostly during the day and as soon as I wake up. Oddly, at bedtime, I feel so tired and just fall asleep.

Love the prayer, thanks for sharing. I did speak to a L already and know what my options are if we go down the D route. In terms of finances, we still have our joint account and he is putting in a weekly deposit to cover our shared expenses. I did notice he opened up his own private bank account, which stung a bit. He also has been looking into getting his own apartment (if he's not in it already). The rent is quite expensive. I don't know how he will manage it all.. maybe get a 2nd job.