Drastic changes & mixed signals - what to do?

[daisy82]

Daisy82,

You are right, don't concern yourself with her. Don't give her power by mentioning her name or reaching out to her. Worry about you and your techniques. They are working. That's what matters.

I know its hard to forget or worry about the other person. But we give them power when we mention their names or talk to our spouses about OP. Forget they even exist.

It's so hard to not think about her -- especially because he calls her as soon as he leaves the house.

[joejoe1]

Daisy82,

Stop checking the phone records. Its only going to make you angry. You know what you are going to find. Don't do things that will upset you. The more you forget about her the easier it will be.

Make yourself a person only a fool would leave.

[daisy82]

Daisy82,

Stop checking the phone records. Its only going to make you angry. You know what you are going to find. Don't do things that will upset you. The more you forget about her the easier it will be.

Make yourself a person only a fool would leave.

I think I'm doing a good job at this so far -- which is probably why he told me the other day "he doesn't deserve me". I also felt that answer was kind of a cop out, though. How was it 2-3 weeks ago, I was the worst wife on the planet - and now I'm so good he doesn't deserve me?

[daisy82]

I can't get rid of the pit feeling in my stomach. The anxiety is terrible.

[joejoe1]

Daisy82,

I understand where you are at. I made a conscious decision to not worry about OP and it has helped out a lot. I'm not saying my thoughts don't go in that direction very now and again. But I'm much happier when I'm worrying about me and not the OP.

This is what TXHubby commented on my thread.

"At about the 3 year mark I had had enough. It was killing me. I 180'd her HARD and FIRM. NO relenting. I started working out and doing all kinds of things I wanted to do for ME. I bought a motorcycle. I bought a bicycle. I got really active and basically ghosted her in our own house. NO more crying, NO more begging, NO pick me dance. I literally no longer gave a hoot what she did. She was a cheater. I was a strong confident successful loyal man. Why would I concern myself with the comings and goings of a cheater? I was always pleasant around the house but never engaged with her. She would engage with me and I'd talk to her as if I couldn't care less about what she had to say. I kept working out, got in the best shape of my life, got promoted at work, had a great life going without her input in any way. She actually started breaking down and crying all the time but still kept going online talking to her douche bag dudes. I decided I needed to move on and had her served with divorce papers. This was when it all changed. It had all mostly changed once I started getting myself together and doing maximum GAL and 180.

People want what they can't have. If you're a guarantee then she'll continue to treat you very cruel. If you start living a great life and don't need or want her anymore then she'll pursue you. Silly games I know, but that's life. One long series of silly people games."

Hope this helps.

[25yearsmlc]

I can't get rid of the pit feeling in my stomach. The anxiety is terrible.

yes it can be terrible. I thought I was past it b/c I'm usually not obsessing,, but as the one year mark is approaching, I've done a bit of back sliding.

So I went to my doctor and asked for a sleeping aid, and it has helped me a lot and reduces the anxiety I was having at bed time (fear of terrifying dreams).

I don't believe you need to tell your h anything about the sex, or to keep having it if you don't want to. The advice varies here, but it is an intensely personal matter. Don't let anyone talk you into it or out of it, including me.

But look at how you feel afterwards, and you'll know the answer. Besides, it if was great, maybe let that be his last memory of it. I'm not on board with just having sex and walking away - ask yourself if that feel natural to you.

As for OW, yeah, don't let her have anymore free rent in your head. Or him for that matter. She's beneath you even acknowledging. As for him calling her, for all you know he's telling her he's torn and doesn't want to keep seeing her. Point is, we don't know. When I let my mind wander to how great my h and OW must be, I have to force myself to remember that for all we know, he's rolling his eyes at her, or she's snapping at him or he is wishing he still had the family we created, and regretting that he had Not hurt the 4 people who loved him the most. There is a lot of wreckage.

We just don't know.

Caroline Myss (author) has a prayer I want to live by:

"Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know, and constant wondering is constant suffering."
Caroline Myss


My main advice is to really protect your finances. Find out where the money is and look retroactively to see if he's been hiding any. Don't be shocked if he has, statistically it's likely. And I'm sorry to tell you that.

And see a L asap. I'm NOT telling you to file for divorce, you need "Do" nothing.

But protect yourself and your kids, so you can choose to stay or leave based on information about your options. Don't stay b/c you fear leaving.

Knowledge is power.

I'm sorry you are here, but it's the best place to be for a lousy reason.

Keep posting. Hang in there. It gets better.

[daisy82]

Daisy82,

I understand where you are at. I made a conscious decision to not worry about OP and it has helped out a lot. I'm not saying my thoughts don't go in that direction very now and again. But I'm much happier when I'm worrying about me and not the OP.

This is what TXHubby commented on my thread.

"At about the 3 year mark I had had enough. It was killing me. I 180'd her HARD and FIRM. NO relenting. I started working out and doing all kinds of things I wanted to do for ME. I bought a motorcycle. I bought a bicycle. I got really active and basically ghosted her in our own house. NO more crying, NO more begging, NO pick me dance. I literally no longer gave a hoot what she did. She was a cheater. I was a strong confident successful loyal man. Why would I concern myself with the comings and goings of a cheater? I was always pleasant around the house but never engaged with her. She would engage with me and I'd talk to her as if I couldn't care less about what she had to say. I kept working out, got in the best shape of my life, got promoted at work, had a great life going without her input in any way. She actually started breaking down and crying all the time but still kept going online talking to her douche bag dudes. I decided I needed to move on and had her served with divorce papers. This was when it all changed. It had all mostly changed once I started getting myself together and doing maximum GAL and 180.

People want what they can't have. If you're a guarantee then she'll continue to treat you very cruel. If you start living a great life and don't need or want her anymore then she'll pursue you. Silly games I know, but that's life. One long series of silly people games."

Hope this helps.

It's so true. As soon as I started GAL -- he started pursuing me like crazy. Definitely need to go back to that hardcore.

[daisy82]

I can't get rid of the pit feeling in my stomach. The anxiety is terrible.

yes it can be terrible. I thought I was past it b/c I'm usually not obsessing,, but as the one year mark is approaching, I've done a bit of back sliding.

So I went to my doctor and asked for a sleeping aid, and it has helped me a lot and reduces the anxiety I was having at bed time (fear of terrifying dreams).

I don't believe you need to tell your h anything about the sex, or to keep having it if you don't want to. The advice varies here, but it is an intensely personal matter. Don't let anyone talk you into it or out of it, including me.

But look at how you feel afterwards, and you'll know the answer. Besides, it if was great, maybe let that be his last memory of it. I'm not on board with just having sex and walking away - ask yourself if that feel natural to you.

As for OW, yeah, don't let her have anymore free rent in your head. Or him for that matter. She's beneath you even acknowledging. As for him calling her, for all you know he's telling her he's torn and doesn't want to keep seeing her. Point is, we don't know. When I let my mind wander to how great my h and OW must be, I have to force myself to remember that for all we know, he's rolling his eyes at her, or she's snapping at him or he is wishing he still had the family we created, and regretting that he had Not hurt the 4 people who loved him the most. There is a lot of wreckage.

We just don't know.

Caroline Myss (author) has a prayer I want to live by:

"Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know, and constant wondering is constant suffering."
Caroline Myss


My main advice is to really protect your finances. Find out where the money is and look retroactively to see if he's been hiding any. Don't be shocked if he has, statistically it's likely. And I'm sorry to tell you that.

And see a L asap. I'm NOT telling you to file for divorce, you need "Do" nothing.

But protect yourself and your kids, so you can choose to stay or leave based on information about your options. Don't stay b/c you fear leaving.

Knowledge is power.

I'm sorry you are here, but it's the best place to be for a lousy reason.

Keep posting. Hang in there. It gets better.

The anxiety is mostly during the day and as soon as I wake up. Oddly, at bedtime, I feel so tired and just fall asleep.

Love the prayer, thanks for sharing. I did speak to a L already and know what my options are if we go down the D route. In terms of finances, we still have our joint account and he is putting in a weekly deposit to cover our shared expenses. I did notice he opened up his own private bank account, which stung a bit. He also has been looking into getting his own apartment (if he's not in it already). The rent is quite expensive. I don't know how he will manage it all.. maybe get a 2nd job.

[daisy82]

Daisy82,

You are right, don't concern yourself with her. Don't give her power by mentioning her name or reaching out to her. Worry about you and your techniques. They are working. That's what matters.

I know its hard to forget or worry about the other person. But we give them power when we mention their names or talk to our spouses about OP. Forget they even exist.

Sometimes I feel like nothing is working. I feel lost and distracted. Can't concentrate on the kids, friends or work the way I should be. Meanwhile, he's galavanting outside of the home, speaking to OM whenever he wants and I'm the nice wife at home, giving in to his advances because I love him.

[daisy82]

He came by earlier today. I was cleaning the house, music blasting in the background and looking very good. He came in a bit disheveled, saying he has "drunk guilt" -- apparently he went out and had a lot to drink. I validated and said I also hated that feeling; it's the worst. He told me that he's very worried that we slept together yesterday without protection. I told him that I checked my ovulation tracker app afterwards and it said my changes of pregnancy were very low, so hopefully that'll remain true in a few weeks -- and then I ended the conversation.

Afterwards, he came up to me and said my eyebrows looked really good and said that I'm looking really good.

When he went to say goodbye, he motioned like he wanted to kiss me, but stopped himself.