Jmstl's thread-Part 3

[Jmstl]

Previous http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2758579#Post2758579

Thanks Maika. And I get that. It is very exhausting yet rewarding. I just don't want this. The more I try to detach, the worse the cycle /seems/ to get, although practically speaking, it is getting better. I really think the hearing date email really sunk me deeper.

My daughter started asking questions about us getting back together again. I told her it was not going to happen, that we have our own lives now, but we loved her equally. She is taking it almost as hard as me, maybe harder in her own way. She is soo used to family activities, and it kills her. Everytime I try to do something, she talks about getting mommy to come

[Maika]

I know you don't want this. Trust me I get that. In detachment, it will get worse before it gets better - sorry that's just the way it's going to work. If you read my thread, I thought I was at a great place being detached but I had a freakout last weekend. I posted it here. But, then I came out of it and felt much stronger and better.

There's tons of stuff on how to talk to your kids depending on their age on this forum. Yeah it kills to see them go through this - i still don't think it's fair on them and that they deserve this. W shattered everything for her own selfish gain and didn't even give me an inch. I gave her every possible option to work things out and she flatly refused - for which I will only forgive her if she ever shows true remorse. She is putting all of us through this because she couldn't handle her $hit and took the cowardly way out IMHO - but I can't do anything about that and it is completely out of my control.

The best I can do right now for my kids is being present with them and doing everything possible with them to make sure they feel they are secure and don't feel neglected or abandoned. It is hard because kids will show their emotions and ask questions. I can only counter it with love showing them immense amount of affection.

My D tells me she misses her mom and when she's with her that she misses me. It truly breaks my heart and the only thing that I will have a hard time forgiving my W for. I am an adult and I can get through whatever crazy she throws at me.

Just tell your kids whatever is age appropriate for them and don't paint your W as the villain. She's still their mom and no matter what, they will love her.

I am sorry your D is going through this. I know how it feels.

[Jmstl]

I never say an unkind word about W. I don't cast blame either. I just try and be factual and concise.

D said Mom yells at her a lot at home. I asked D if she yells more or less than she did before. D said more, but then apparently asked W if she yelled more or less. W told her less bc she is happy. ( I only asked bc D brought it up and I was concerned how W was reacting at her place, and if the tension and issues she claimed were mostly due to me had subsided. In some ways yes, in some no)

Just baked cookies with D, and we are enjoying them. D said, I wish W was here to share with. Can we take her some today? Broke my heart to say no.

I see 25 post that D doesn't have to be the end. I have friends and family tell me of people they know reconciling after divorce. I want to be ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

[Jmstl]

Took D and S to a bday party. It was enjoyable, but filled with a bunch of mutual friends. It was very hard emotionally to be positive. Especially when the guys would talk about their wives, knowing I can't do that anymore

[TBSakaJ9]

Jm....I remember when my W moved out how hard it was to go to church functions without her, I felt like I was the only 1 there without their W. Group functions with family friends where hard as well, my W doesn't associate with them any more but I remember how hard it was as first to be their without her. The first time I went out to eat with my D's and she wasn't their or coming home for the first time.

What i can tell you is that I am almost 3 months into our SEP and it does get better!! I still think about her but the pain isn't as intense and I can fully function and engage in conversation without it effecting me like it once did. Just realize your pain is only temporary.

Getting used to your new norm is hard but I find myself wearing with a badge of honor now. Taking pride in being a single dad and raising 2 young children.

My D's have asked the same thing, can we see mommy, when we will see her, can I call her etc. Over time they will get used to it as well, I just try to be up front with them to make sure they know the schedule and when they will see mommy.

Just hang in there, stay positive and know it is only temporary. I will admit in the beginning I cried daily, on my way to work, on my way home from work, sitting at my desk at work, at first I couldn't even talk about it without getting emotional.

Release when you need to but know it does get better!

[Jmstl]

Thanks J. Oh how I wish I could trade with you guys.

I am hoping one of the vets will read the end of thread 2 and tell me how bad I messed up

[25yearsmlc]

Jm

I read some of the last thread, and I'm not clear on where you think you messed up.

The emotional backslide? This is so NOT a linear process, which I'm painfully aware of.

For whatever reason, I felt really down today and had to do a LOT of cognitive work to "snap" out of it.

So you're not alone. It's more about not acting on it, and you seem self aware enough there.

You will never regret GAL, even when it feels like the opposite of what you feel like doing, which includes tv binge watching and having a few beers (or a lot of beers).

Overcoming the inertia is KEY and it may take all of your willpower to do it somedays, but I don't think we can detach without GAL.

It gets better and the down times are shorter and fewer, in time.

One thing - the men I have met sometimes remind me of what I loved about my h, (he took good physical care of himself and knows a lot of science, for instance).

Don't assume that you'll come out wanting if your w is meeting OMs. Plus you are the father of her kids. The more lovingly you interact with them, the better.

Yes it's the right thing to do (being the best dad you can be) b/c your kids need you more now than ever.

But I also think it's an emotional turn on for their mother.

Hang in there.

[Jmstl]

25, what do you mean by Don't assume that you'll come out wanting?

Is that to say, don't assume that her talking to OM spells the complete end of the relationship?

Yes, last night/today has been a big emotional roller coaster for me. Esp at the party when people asked what was up.

This evening was focused on the kids and was much better. Some of the new friends I have made have been texting me, so that made me feel better

[Jmstl]

Took the kids to church and a park. Felt good. Found out who OM (at least one is. Not sure physical, know they are at least talking) hated myself for finding out...

Trying to detach..looking forward to GALing tonight.

Pissed at W, trying to let it go. Hoping this is a phase we can move past

[25yearsmlc]

25, what do you mean by Don't assume that you'll come out wanting?

Is that to say, don't assume that her talking to OM spells the complete end of the relationship?

=Don't assume you will always come up short. There are things about you she loved, that are still true. And OM's won't have all your qualities. I am not thrilled to admit this, but The few men I have met are not as smart, (generally) or as educated or in as good shape as my h is. Often they seemed threatened that I have a doctorate and some opinions, even though I'm very diplomatic about them.

Many of the guys also have many good traits, but I'm being as honest as I can be about my reaction to meeting them and chatting more.

In other words, I often feel that my h and I were well suited to each other. So, if you have some flaws you really know are valid - then work on them and remove that negative data.

Yes, last night/today has been a big emotional roller coaster for me. Esp at the party when people asked what was up.

This evening was focused on the kids and was much better. Some of the new friends I have made have been texting me, so that made me feel better