My husband filed for divorce

[LAJar]

glad you saw a L and are getting some coaching.

BTW, a divorce L (not the one I hired, in a different city) once told me that mediation helps the higher income earner more than the lower income earner.

I could see that. I don't want it to get any uglier than it already will be and thought mediaton would help. I wouldn't compromise on the pension either because I know that's more beneficial long-term. I'm not underestimating my husband, because who knows him anymore, but he is not that financially savvy. I just wouldn't be surprised if he does not much for anything that would require some effort.

Just saying -- and I'm sure that depends in part on legal fees.

The other thing I've learned, and I'm a L myself, is that "winning" in court is not the same as winning in real life. I have had 3 rulings in my favor but h ignores the court orders with impunity. It's not like on TV when a defendant is in contempt and gets jailed.

The judge usually scolds them and MAYBE makes them pay all the legal fees. Big deal.

My h hid money and still is. Claims he retired but I have photos of him working and then he says "the money is gone" and unless I pay someone to track it all down in another state (pricey) and attach it and then impose the judgments against it and force the sale, you get the picture. So I'm saying a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.

Your experience thus far is horrifying. With all that your H has put you through, the hits don't stop. He's gotten what he wants, living his life where he wants and with the one he wants, it's hard to understand the continued animosity.

My goal is to get all of the retirement nest egg even if it's less than h would have paid b/c then I'll know it's safe and he won't be able to take it all.

But my fear is that he already has. The irony is that he will inherit millions when his father passes, so it's just selfish greed and a huge sense of entitlement on his end, that is hindering this from moving forward. I had no idea what contempt he had for me or our m. And he cut off our youngest's college tuition too, saying he can't because of the spousal support he is NOT paying me. (Yes, I often want to scream). His behavior still makes me reel, maybe it's the OW or maybe it's his vilification to justify such cad like crap. Who knows?

My H will have a nice inheritance as well from his father. Not letting go of the pension seems like just a stupid power struggle. Nonsense. As a mother, I'm sure his treatment of your kids is probably most hurtful. I guess your daughter/tuition is just collateral damage in his quest to hurt you.

Learn from my experience. In the last month when we were still together, I got very sick and was hospitalized.

So I was too out of it to protect myself. And boy am I paying the price. So are our children.

Protect yourself AND YES assume your h has made plans b/c he's already trying to buy you off at a steep discount. And he's rushing you too. There are reasons for what he's doing. Sorry.

Unfortunately, I will learn from your experience. I am going to protect myself and anything I compromise on will be because I want to compromise. It won't be because I am being forced to or for lack of knowledge. His reason is he needs to ride off into the sunset with this person who isn't controlling and takes care of all of his sexual needs (i.e. not me) and that needs to happen now. No need to apologize, it's the truth. I wish it wasn't, but it is.

Curious, after almost a year since you filed do you feel like you've made any progress in healing? I was reading your most recents posts and seeing all of the major life events you've encountered. I hope you feel proud that you're still standing, working to get through this and make a new normal for yourself.