Jmstl's thread-Part 2

[Jmstl]

Just got hearing notice. Day before our anniversary

[Jmstl]

Probably did everything wrong tonight.

Trying not to get bummed about it.

Good news is I smell damned good.

[25yearsmlc]

Just got hearing notice. Day before our anniversary

So sorry Jm. I was going to say "not to confront" b/c you are not really in a position to demand (or expect) the truth about her personal life, as you are living apart and she's made her intention to divorce, known.

But it's not an issue anymore. Nothing to confront. It's out there, but It's also not final.

I think I posted the statistics on this thread before. In case I did not, I'll just tell you one atm.

In California, about 1/3 of FILED divorces, are never completed.

It's fair to assume most of those are due to reconciliations. For some people it's seeing the actual papers that wakes them up, for others the divorce papers free them to learn the grass being greener where it gets the most water

And That the former spouse was NOT the cause of all their woes.

So as of now, your wife has said she wants a divorce & her actions are consistent with that. Your focus now, is all about the kids and nothing else.

Legal questions are for the lawyers to work out, at this stage. If you mediate later, then you can mediate then and there. Not now. You are too raw to think straight. And this is the most important financial transaction of your life. Do it when you are calm enough to be reasonable and alert enough to protect yourself.

This^^ does not mean "its ALL over forever" - which you know.

You also mentioned dating and telling your wife that you are also dating.

That just seems premature and reactive to me.

I'm 6 weeks shy of a full year's separation. I have not dated. I've had lunch with some former flames in the area, and they both want to date. One of them appeals to me but I told him that since I'm leaving a very long m, dating at first will be a jarring experience for me.

I'm still filled with intrusive thoughts of H and at times, a deep furious anger at him, a lot of sadness for the kids, sickening fear about my finances and the divorce hearings to come.

Wow, that sure makes me a SUPER FUN DATE!! Do you relate to any of ^^ that?

I'm not sure how fair that is to the OP b/c I'd clearly be using them as coping mechanism or bruised ego strokes. Sure, my self esteem took HITS, and I miss the intimacy of marriage. But are these solid fair reasons for a r with a new OM?

Given the intrusive thoughts and my present baggage, What am I bringing to the table now, other than my needs?

I also don't want to be someone's FIRST gf after a divorce (rebound, much??) It's not good for ME. Think about that for you. Are you ready to date and then have the new r, end?
I am in a DivorceCare group (join one if you can. The people are fun, it's GAL but with people who "GET" what you are going through. It's national)

anyhow, she said dating early on seems like grabbing onto a float b/c we feel we are sinking fast.

I know I wanted to be rescued from my pain. Thank God I retreated. (And God help the first guy I have a real R with. )

I only say all this b/c you made a point about telling your wife you were "also dating" and discussing the app, and it just struck me that way.

Again, for now protect yourself. Make no decision without consulting professionals.

I'm sorry you got the papers. It hurts, I know. And maybe the only way to the other side of this, is through it.

((( )))

[Jmstl]

Just got hearing notice. Day before our anniversary

So sorry Jm. I was going to say "not to confront" b/c you are not really in a position to demand (or expect) the truth about her personal life, as you are living apart and she's made her intention to divorce, known.

But it's not an issue anymore. Nothing to confront. It's out there, but It's also not final.

I think I posted the statistics on this thread before. In case I did not, I'll just tell you one atm.

In California, about 1/3 of FILED divorces, are never completed.

It's fair to assume most of those are due to reconciliations. For some people it's seeing the actual papers that wakes them up, for others the divorce papers free them to learn the grass being greener where it gets the most water

And That the former spouse was NOT the cause of all their woes.

So as of now, your wife has said she wants a divorce & her actions are consistent with that. Your focus now, is all about the kids and nothing else.

Legal questions are for the lawyers to work out, at this stage. If you mediate later, then you can mediate then and there. Not now. You are too raw to think straight. And this is the most important financial transaction of your life. Do it when you are calm enough to be reasonable and alert enough to protect yourself.

This^^ does not mean "its ALL over forever" - which you know.

You also mentioned dating and telling your wife that you are also dating.

That just seems premature and reactive to me.

I'm 6 weeks shy of a full year's separation. I have not dated. I've had lunch with some former flames in the area, and they both want to date. One of them appeals to me but I told him that since I'm leaving a very long m, dating at first will be a jarring experience for me.

I'm still filled with intrusive thoughts of H and at times, a deep furious anger at him, a lot of sadness for the kids, sickening fear about my finances and the divorce hearings to come.

Wow, that sure makes me a SUPER FUN DATE!! Do you relate to any of ^^ that?

I'm not sure how fair that is to the OP b/c I'd clearly be using them as coping mechanism or bruised ego strokes. Sure, my self esteem took HITS, and I miss the intimacy of marriage. But are these solid fair reasons for a r with a new OM?

Given the intrusive thoughts and my present baggage, What am I bringing to the table now, other than my needs?

I also don't want to be someone's FIRST gf after a divorce (rebound, much??) It's not good for ME. Think about that for you. Are you ready to date and then have the new r, end?
I am in a DivorceCare group (join one if you can. The people are fun, it's GAL but with people who "GET" what you are going through. It's national)

anyhow, she said dating early on seems like grabbing onto a float b/c we feel we are sinking fast.

I know I wanted to be rescued from my pain. Thank God I retreated. (And God help the first guy I have a real R with. )

I only say all this b/c you made a point about telling your wife you were "also dating" and discussing the app, and it just struck me that way.

Again, for now protect yourself. Make no decision without consulting professionals.

I'm sorry you got the papers. It hurts, I know. And maybe the only way to the other side of this, is through it.

((( )))

Thanks 25.

No, I didn't say dating. I said I am meeting/seeing other people. If I said date, I didn't mean that word.

I am GAL-She was supposed to do divorcecare when she first moved, then decided she didn't need to.

I am actually the most detached I have been in this process so far (please see my posts further back today)

I wasn't mad she was on the site. I was more aggravated, that the site literally put her first in my list when I sign in, and we were 96% match (which reinforced how good I actually was to her, and how much we had in common)

I felt like yes, saying I am seeing other people was reactive, but at the same time, I felt it was important for her to know I was moving on. She should have known that already by my actions.

I showed no negative emotion about it. We laughed about being matched up. Which inside, hurt very badly. (not to mention she looks amazing)

In the end, my main issue was her being late with the kids, not her being on some dating site...She's filed. There is literally nothing I can do.

I am on the site to make new friends. Not find a FWB or GF or future wife. But I need to be social.

I hope she got a whiff of my new cologne and saw how good I looked, and maybe deep down it could have the slightest impact. But I quickly have to dismiss that thought, as I have no control over her thoughts and actions.

[25yearsmlc]

your take on it is the healthy one.

Sorry

[Jmstl]

I find myself backsliding in my detachment this morning.

I was doing so good yesterday morning/afternoon.

But her being late with the kids, combined with getting the hearing date, and knowing she was going out, and seeing how beautiful she looked, knowing she wasn't getting dressed up for me, really REALLY got to me last night/this morning. To the point where I started to cry. (I haven't cried in almost a month, when she said she had already divorced me in her heart)

I did not sleep well, and I find her on my mind pretty much the whole time I have been awake today.

I am at a point where I wish I just had some memory loss. I want to just go get stupid drunk, and black out. (I rarely drink) or be put in a coma.

I am soooo angry at myself for allowing my feelings to resurface like this (not to her, just to myself)

This situation has also strengthened my faith but at the same time made me question it.

I feel like a walking oxymoron.

[Maika]

This is such a difficult and messy process man. I feel your pain.

You didn't backslide on detachment - it will be a tug of war for a while. Detachment will take some time and you will slowly peel off some layers. These moments actually are important for detachment because you are allowing yourself to feel and process your emotions. It is a good thing.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes detachment sounds like you need to turn into a cold hearted person and everything that comes your way, you just dust it off. That's not what I think it is at all - and I don't think you're thinking of it that way, i am just saying what it can sound like.

This is where GAL has been so helpful for me. I know it's not a magic formula, but the more inwards I went towards myself, the better I became at managing my thoughts about W and MR and the rest of it.

I hope you can do something this weekend just for yourself - drinking is great, but it just numbs the pain right. Don't get me wrong, I did that, but I realized it wasn't helping me become better and not a good coping method.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're not going to be a lean mean detaching machine instantly. Give yourself time. Most importantly, allow yourself to forgive yourself and be kind and merciful to yourself. I know that once I allowed that for me, it lifted a huge burden off my shoulders.

[Jmstl]

Thanks Maika. I am not going to drink because A- that isn't how I really process and B-I have my kids.

This is a weekend in which we would normally do family activity for Japanese festival every year.

I am starting to flip out I am going to go back into a depression. I am trying to stay strong and not let my kids show how weak I am.

I also think I need to cut off the woman I met. I like her and she likes me, but I don't want her to end up as a rebound, even though I am trying not to do that.

[Maika]

I know it's hard but it was easier for me to put my game face on with my kids when W wasn't around.

Do you have an IC lined up? Through all of this I recognized I was suffering from depression for many years and IC has been huge for me. I wish I had done it years back, but I didn't see that I was in depression.

Yeh, cutting out the scene with the other woman might be good for a while so that you can just focus on yourself without muddying the emotional waters.

Do something for the Japanese festival even though the situation has changed from last year. It could be good for the kids with the continuity and they can see that you can still do something fun without W being around.

[Jmstl]

I know it's hard but it was easier for me to put my game face on with my kids when W wasn't around.

Do you have an IC lined up? Through all of this I recognized I was suffering from depression for many years and IC has been huge for me. I wish I had done it years back, but I didn't see that I was in depression.

Yeh, cutting out the scene with the other woman might be good for a while so that you can just focus on yourself without muddying the emotional waters.

Do something for the Japanese festival even though the situation has changed from last year. It could be good for the kids with the continuity and they can see that you can still do something fun without W being around.

Yes, I have an IC which I go to, but I cant see her for 2 more weeks.

We might do festival tomorrow. I have a bday party to go to for Ds friend.

I feel I am really struggling as a single parent.