Wading through v. 2.0

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks, T.

I've heard absolutely nothing from him, so it's easy to fill in the blanks when I'm low and get down on myself.

Sorry Cadence.

This^^ resonates. Maybe If we insist on renting out space to the soon to be former spouses, perhaps for 5 minutes we could try envisioning it NOT being so perfect.

I read an article written by a 2nd wife, who had been the OW to her h's first m. She says she wishes she had known before, what would happen.

She wrote about the pressure to always exceed the prior wife b/c of the comparisons she feels happen, and she writes that she is resented by her h now, every time something goes wrong, or when his r's with his friends or children and family, are strained.

She said she was never really accepted by her step kids - who blamed her for blowing up their family, and the awkward moments that happen at every special occasion or holiday and apparently always will...are her fault too.

Finally, she worries that she did a terrible thing to people she never met, which we know is true.

I don't think I'd want to be an OW. And I mean that.

And your h can only spackle over cracks in the surface, so much.

I also feel terribly guilty for filing the counter claim. I feel like I've been pushed into an adversarial role and that's painful.

He put you in an impossible situation. And he drew first blood. So here you are

Facts are facts. If he kicked a door down, he kicked a door down. If he lied, he lied, etc

Part of your DB work and your own self care, is defending yourself and hiring an advocate. Our adversarial system is based on the presumption that 2 advocates arguing their cases will elicit the truth. Let's hope so.


I know he can't stop and doubt himself, because then it all tumbles down. And maybe new romance is keeping him high on life. I don't really know.

Yes -you are correct. And I have learned 2 other things.

1) Your h blew up a family and for what? A lot is riding on his version of reality, even when it's very distorted. There is also the massive impression management he must do.

To THEM, its not necessary to live life with a moral compass, HOWEVER it is important to them that they appear to be. . Same for looking "happy, now". This is their impression management.

I see you are struggling with the rejection you feel (discarded/replaced) and with the idea that all is well in their world. Would it be better if his daughter was sad?
Of course not, she's doing her best. My guess would be that you are missed and that maybe your stbx h is scrambling to cover that up or treat it with more praise or gifts.

Don't be gas lighted.

You have to remind yourself of the difference it makes when a person jumps from one r to a new one, right away.

My s31 said he'd "never want to be the rebound person" b/c it is such an insecure position. Would you want to date a man who just recently divorced?

I'm leery of any guy who is within a year of divorcing, and I simply won't date a man who is only separated. That's for MY protection, not just his and not just his ex wife's.

It is plain weird to hook up with someone who just left a r. And it's wrong to date a man who is still with his wife.
I cannot even imagine dating a year ago, when we first sep. Can you?

So we are not dealing with people like us, so don't "go there" about how great his life is and how you have gaping holes in your life. Fill the gaps and detach from his "impression management show."

They rushed too fast for their own good, never mind ours. Just from a risk standpoint, I would not have rushed it. It speaks for itself that your h and mine, did.

The reason it's easier for them to deal with all this loss, is because they are not facing it. That doesn't mean there is no loss and it does not mean they can avoid it forever.

There is a lot they are not processing.

I know it's not a contest. I know all we can do is deal with our own side of the equation, and I believe we can and will be happy when we make it happen.

God knows I'll try.

You are not alone.