Jmstl's thread-Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Just got hearing notice. Day before our anniversary

So sorry Jm. I was going to say "not to confront" b/c you are not really in a position to demand (or expect) the truth about her personal life, as you are living apart and she's made her intention to divorce, known.

But it's not an issue anymore. Nothing to confront. It's out there, but It's also not final.

I think I posted the statistics on this thread before. In case I did not, I'll just tell you one atm.

In California, about 1/3 of FILED divorces, are never completed.

It's fair to assume most of those are due to reconciliations. For some people it's seeing the actual papers that wakes them up, for others the divorce papers free them to learn the grass being greener where it gets the most water

And That the former spouse was NOT the cause of all their woes.

So as of now, your wife has said she wants a divorce & her actions are consistent with that. Your focus now, is all about the kids and nothing else.

Legal questions are for the lawyers to work out, at this stage. If you mediate later, then you can mediate then and there. Not now. You are too raw to think straight. And this is the most important financial transaction of your life. Do it when you are calm enough to be reasonable and alert enough to protect yourself.

This^^ does not mean "its ALL over forever" - which you know.

You also mentioned dating and telling your wife that you are also dating.

That just seems premature and reactive to me.

I'm 6 weeks shy of a full year's separation. I have not dated. I've had lunch with some former flames in the area, and they both want to date. One of them appeals to me but I told him that since I'm leaving a very long m, dating at first will be a jarring experience for me.

I'm still filled with intrusive thoughts of H and at times, a deep furious anger at him, a lot of sadness for the kids, sickening fear about my finances and the divorce hearings to come.

Wow, that sure makes me a SUPER FUN DATE!! Do you relate to any of ^^ that?

I'm not sure how fair that is to the OP b/c I'd clearly be using them as coping mechanism or bruised ego strokes. Sure, my self esteem took HITS, and I miss the intimacy of marriage. But are these solid fair reasons for a r with a new OM?

Given the intrusive thoughts and my present baggage, What am I bringing to the table now, other than my needs?

I also don't want to be someone's FIRST gf after a divorce (rebound, much??) It's not good for ME. Think about that for you. Are you ready to date and then have the new r, end?
I am in a DivorceCare group (join one if you can. The people are fun, it's GAL but with people who "GET" what you are going through. It's national)

anyhow, she said dating early on seems like grabbing onto a float b/c we feel we are sinking fast.

I know I wanted to be rescued from my pain. Thank God I retreated. (And God help the first guy I have a real R with. )

I only say all this b/c you made a point about telling your wife you were "also dating" and discussing the app, and it just struck me that way.

Again, for now protect yourself. Make no decision without consulting professionals.

I'm sorry you got the papers. It hurts, I know. And maybe the only way to the other side of this, is through it.

((( )))