Almost 6 weeks ago, found dirty Snapchat (pics) and text from some guy about if W was going to let him F her. W was hesitant in text, but I coulntell she had sent pics via SC. Same day, earlier, W was sending me pics too (had been trying to spice marriage back up).
Confronted W next morning before church. W immediately grabbed a hold of me and hugged me, and told me she hadn't done anything. I told her I believed her,but it looks like she wanted to (W had A 12 yrs ago, we forgave, but simply just kept living life, no outside help). At that moment, W went fairly emotionless, and BIG BD. Told me I had been abusing her for years (never touched her, so this was EA). I didn't understand at first, but now I see it was a lack of pursuing connection on my part. Claimed I berate, belittle, and treat her like S. I've never told her belittling things, but I believe it was internal hurt, from lack of connection and intimacy that manifested these feelings. I would listen to her words,feel attacked, get defensive, or shut down, instead of hearing her heart. I feel like a complete idiot now (things I've learned since W left). W said I don't desire her, and said ILYBIMILWY.
Next night, I approached her, told her I do desire her, and kissed her. We had sex, but stress and anxiety caused me to loose my E after about 40 minutes of total time (including foreplay). I regained E, and told her we can stop if she wanted. She said, it's ok, and helped me finish. After, I was emotionally distraught and embarrassed about my performance. She loved on me, and then sat down, and we talked about her being dead inside. She slept on couch that night.
Next morning, she walked into room, and I was getting dressed. I had a panic attack, and it freaked her out. W asked what's wrong,I said I couldn't be around her right now. I needed some time and space to get emotions under control. What I didn't expect was for her to pack a suitcase and leave, which she did right away. And went to stay with a GF.
A few days later, I find out that something happened during sex that scared her, and then I scared her again the next morning with my mini panic attack (at least that's what I think it was). That's why she left. Didn't feel safe. A few days after that, I find out from a friend that W believes I raped her (she was consensual, interactive, and loving during. I had no idea that I scared her, and she gave no indicators).
The next 3 weeks, she is away. I did the typical desperate H thing, and tried to reason with her. Several fights over text and phone. Her family, who loves me very much, reached out to find out what was up. Her mom asked if I had been fooling around (never), and if I forced myself (no). Wife has history with rape (1 time while after our first daughter, attacked and R'd, a gang R as a teenager, and sexual misconduct by brother in law as a teen, also). I was so hurt that she easily lumped me into this category. I believe something happened that night to trigger reliving memories of these.
after a few days away, W stated she wanted D. Also stated she's never loved me, or been happy (which is not true, she may be a vacillator, not sure). That was over a month ago, but no papers (W tends to procrastinate or also told me that nobody has, or ever will, love her like I do and she'll miss that the most.
W came home after about 3 weeks gone, then spent the weekend in hotel praying (we are devout Christian). Came back, the I approached her with a passionate plea to see that I don't want D, and I'm not giving up. She left again (almost 2 weeks now). Has stayed with 3 different GF's during his time, but has now taken both D's with her. Still no papers, and no contact with lawyer in 3 weeks (1 40 minute call, but in TX, it only takes a couple dats to get served according to Attourney friend of mine).
I have begun educating myself and counseling. I realize my mistakes in communications and attentiveness. Also have been depressed for 2 years after job loss (from income of 200k to nothing). We started our own business just over 1 year ago, and we work together (home inspectors). She does not want to give up on business, so she knows she'll see me every day.
She refused MC, and says that she knows we can restore, and be better than we could imagine, but she just doesn't want to. She is not having an A that I can detect, but isnlatched onto friends and our children. She has also walked away from our church, and will it really talk to her family (they all want her to work on the M). Now, she looks for blame in everything I do, sometimes accusing me of telling everyone her dirty secrets (only of my 2 close friends and her mother know -mother would not settle for less than total truth from me, and I was angry at the time....big screw up). Close friends are keeping everything in confidence. They don't judge her either, they love her.
I have began working on myself. Lost 30-40 lbs, from 220 (6' tall), and gone from 38-40 pants to a 34 (haven't been this slim since military time in the 90's-early 2000's). Working on GAL, but most of our friends were shared. For last 2-3 weeks, we don't talk about the MR, and I stay 4C, and upbeat, but most interchanges are text. I did write her a letter yesterday that validated her feelings, and that I understand them now. Saw her after letter, and I could tell it impacted her mood (not sure in what way). I did say in letter that I committed to saving marriage,but not via coercing her, but by transformation of myself. I realize now, that I probably shouldn't have put that in there, or maybe even not sent the letter, at all. Neither of us have brought up the letter, and I never will unless she does. It was for her, not me.
I want to save my marriage, but is there too much damage? I love her unconditionally, and I know, without a doubt, that we can go to a place in the M that we couldn't imagine. Marriage coach today told me to let her go, to tell her I want her to be happy,even if it's without me. However, I know my wife very well. I don't believe she will be. At first, happier than now, yes. But when she sets the impact in the kids, and the MLC wears off, I believe she will be full of regret and misery. She is a bipolar ptsd with depression issues and takes medication, which I'm not sure if she's currently taking. I don't think she is.
I have give everything over to god,and he has removed my pain, and keeps me joyous. I'm in the gym, cleaning the house (myself since she's not here, even when she was, she was just on the couch in her phone; on Facebook or YouTube). I am taking good care of myself, and mentally feel much better.
There's a lot of issues here, and I'm an open book for questions. I do not want to lose her,but she needs to heal, too. Giving her her space and time. Her mom has begged me not to give up on her, but I fear if I do, her pride will keep her gone.
Struggling here, thanks for listening, and your feedback. This is a huge mess.
