24 Mths in..I gotta whole lot of living to do now

[Sotto]

Hi Irish, I think it is the right thing to do, to help keep the door open for your ex W to reconnect with your daughters at some point. I think MLCers are so sensitive when it comes to any suggestion that they may have done something wrong. And from her reaction, it sounds as though she's feeling that way. She sounds resentful of your involvement, and unhappy about how her girls feel towards her. And yet her actions and decisions have helped create this situation.

I think we have to try and live every phase of our lives in a way that we can look back on with peace. Try to do our best, by ourselves and by others. Try not to cause pain and to decently and honestly deal with tough things. I'm sad that your ex W will come to feel that she has lost something most precious. But she isn't in that place just now and there is still a me, me ring to her replies. In truth, she would need to find more genuine remorse and humility to reconnect, and I truly hope that she does.

I don't see this as yours to fix Irish - only to support and help keep that door ajar for your girls. Take care and I hope you have a lovely weekend :)x

[25yearsmlc]

Try to remember that FB can be merely a highlight reel for people who want to rub their happiness and WONDERFUL LIFE in some one's face, or convince others AND themselves that their choices were all worth it!


Don't get me wrong. I totally understand the graduation pictures or a wacky fun thing you did, and I've posted pictures of my late mom on the anniversary of her passing away, with a note about remembering a great woman.

As for pictures or words about a new R after a marriage ends, particularly a marriage with children,

should not be posted.

1) at all, or 2) only after the divorce is final AND long over, and the kids are in the acceptance phase.

Let's get real.

If i met a GREAT GUY tomorrow and we began dating that night and we both felt the spark -- it would still take months of cautious optimism to grow and deepen into adult love

and after that, and only after that, would I make a public peep.

The over the top pictures are odd and in poor taste, at best. Intentionally cruel at worst.

I've heard of many people posting about their life on fb, only to learn later that their FB page had very little to do with what they were really experiencing. In fact I think it often over compensates. My sister's ex h posted about a trip his gf and he took to Ireland. Lots of impressive places and beer and then off to Italy they went!! Ta DAAAAA!

A month later that ex h called my sister about a reconciliation. He was "not happy at all" and wanted my sister to know that he "gets it. He F---ed up. Biggest mistake of his life"....

and she was engaged to someone. She told me she'd always feel sad for the kids and what she and they all had gone through. But she was in a different place and her new h really really made her THE priority in his life. She just felt that no matter how her ex had changed, he would never really put her first. She'd be very lucky if she matched his importance to himself as that would mean he had "really changed at a cellular level."

Too much water under the bridge. The point of this example is not about regrets so much as how his Facebook posts were much more about the TRIP, and not the R he was in.

BTW, he married that gf too. After asking my sister to take him back. My sister is lucky in that she got to hear the big regrets and that makes her in a tiny minority.

FB can be like a stage for actors who have stupid lines, from an adolescent script.

Not worth the toll on us to even look, much less take in.
I hope that gives a bit of perspective. I remind myself of this when I'm tempted to look at h or OW.

I'm glad so far b/c I have never looked at his page or hers. I've been informed a bit too much, to be honest.

(BUT I had a dream of h and OW! It was horrible. But in my dream OW was a muttering hillbilly, so I'm going to stick with THAT image...

((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

PS

2 of my kids have come right out and asked me to "stop defending dad! And don't tell us he 'loves' us".

Regardless of how I feel about that, it is their right to set a boundary and I will respect it. (I had believed that reassuring them was my duty).

Turns out it takes a lot of psychic energy to maintain an illusion about someone, when the contrary evidence mounts. We are not that important to h. He spent 2/3 of the last decade doing his thing and commuting home on weekends or living in another state for a variety of reasons.

As an MD there was no credible reason for his living away, other than entitlement and the now obvious desire to be a part time family man, which is NOT really a family man.

The kids are 31, 28 and 20. The 20 y/o - I worry b/c she has the worst r with h

b/c he missed so much of her life by HIS choice. Hard not to feel rejected when, you know, you are rejected. He cancelled her college tuition last month too, and it's a private university with a total cost of over $50k If not for my older kids helping out big time, d20 would be taking a year off. Which would have been an even bigger blow than his withdrawal of the one thing he had provided, money.

We paid for the other 2 kids college so it's boldly unfair...

From what I understand, h feels sorry for HIMSELF (Like your wife will and does)

b/c the kids are not supportive ( )

and my guess is that he blames me. Which is rich.

Last but not least, my T said that kids grow up and the parent of the opposite sex tends to be their role model for how the outside world will treat them.

The mother usually nurtures them and comforts that and represents the internal, "home",

but the career and r's with OPs, are more affected by the opposite parent's r with them.

In your case Irish, your girls are lucky young women and have a better chance at a healthy R with the men in their lives, and confidence in how the world will greet them,

than if your marital roles were reversed.

Bravo, Irish, well done.

[Irish M]

You are perhaps the better man because you are keeping a bit of an eye on your X and hoping that she journeys through and out of MLC and reconciles with at least your kids. I hope you've taken that completely off the table for yourself now that you have a NG in the picture.

Hi Andrew.
hope you had a great weekend.
i wouldn't say a better man , my sitch seems a little more extreme since she chose 100% abandonment of all that once was.. kids, friends and me of course. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have to deal with her on a weekly kid exchange. Then I think about the girls. They are better off this way, not seeing her crazy. I also believe they will open up faster to her if she emerges from the shadows and healthy version of mom.

as for the option of her and me getting back together. I can;t see that happening at all. I am happy growing this new, healthy relationship with my GF. it does come with some hiccups.. but so far so good.

At least you are divorced from yours. That has proven very difficult for me.

HI own it ((huigs)). Yes the divorce. It was needed to happen. Her monster stopped when the papers came through. I truly believe it must end the old relationship before anything can happen. They need it to end. I'm not saying it will wake them up but I did see a change with her messages.. less monstering.

I think we have to try and live every phase of our lives in a way that we can look back on with peace. Try to do our best, by ourselves and by others. Try not to cause pain and to decently and honestly deal with tough things. I'm sad that your ex W will come to feel that she has lost something most precious. But she isn't in that place just now and there is still a me, me ring to her replies. In truth, she would need to find more genuine remorse and humility to reconnect, and I truly hope that she does.

Hi Sotto ((hugs))
that's all we can do is try our best and be treat them the way we hope to be treated one day. My relationship is over. My girls 15 and 17. That what really hurts. I pray they have half the relationship they had with their mom. They deserve it. I miss seeing that connection. I too truly hope she does the work one day and I know I will help the best I can.

As for pictures or words about a new R after a marriage ends, particularly a marriage with children,

should not be posted.

1) at all, or 2) only after the divorce is final AND long over, and the kids are in the acceptance phase.

Let's get real.

Hi 25yrs ((hugs))
I too agree with this. I haven't changed my status on FB seeing someone. I don't have a pic on my profile of my GF, Yes some vacation pics of all of us but no lovey dovey ones.
The girls are still way too sensitive. Its not needed.

The over the top pictures are odd and in poor taste, at best. Intentionally cruel at worst.

My MLCr did just that. One week after moving out and in with him. Soul mates.. and finally away from the old life. It devastated the girls . I'm so glad they deleted her and avoided looking at her page. Even today they don't look. Its a good thing. It only causes pain.

Its crazy but what isn't about all this.

[Irish M]

Update on me FIL. He past away last night peacefully. I got the news today on my way back to Canada. XW also added that she will let me know about the service and that me and the girls are welcome to come.

That would be very uncomfortable. Since all of her immediate family hasn't even spoke to any of us in over 2 years. Her sister who is the godmother to D17 hasn't reached out.
I think we will pass. We sad our goodbyes to him a few months back.

I wont lie. His death did affect me. Its all very sad that this is where we are and the girls are not part of any of it. I know we only saw him a few times a year but its still hard.

I told the girls on the drive back. The refuse to go so I will respect their wishes. Its sad.

I did reply to her message.

I am sorry to hear that. At least he is at peace and no more suffering. How are you doing?

Not so good. I am a mess. thanks for asking.

I left it at that.

[HaWho]

My condolences Irish.

I hope in her grief your exw awakens to the fact that time is finite and sets her priorities accordingly.

[job]

Irish,

My condolences on the passing of your FIL. He suffered quite a bit towards the end and he's now at peace and suffering no more. I'm glad that you and the girls went to visit him months ago.

I think you are very wise in passing on the "invitation" to attend service. If your xw opts to share info about it, thank her, but then let it go. Your xw is going to be a mess for a while, but we shall see if this gives her "pause" for thought about what she's done and continues to do.

Again, I am very sorry for your loss.

[SBJ]

Irish, my condolences on the loss of your FIL. I understand that you had emotions for the loss, as I know that I have a tight connection and relationship with my Ex's family.

Stay strong my friend.

[rd500]

Hi Irish , sorry for you and your girls loss , the man is now at peace.

Take care , Rd

[bttrfly]

I'm sorry for your loss Irish. As others have said, he's in a better place now. How are the girls taking this? Hugs to all of you xoxoxo {{{{{{{Irish}}}}}}}