24 Mths in..I gotta whole lot of living to do now

[Irish M]

The guilt is eating at her and she can't face you or the girls. She can't face the consequences of her actions and she doesn't want them to see her the way she is now. The person living in the past is her.

You are so right Job, I know its avoid or die.. her loss. I am glad I tried. No regrets. It's who I am.

I know she's ill, but sometimes she makes me so angry I could spit nails.

Bttfly xxx this made me laugh so much.
Yes Ewww is lost still and if she wasn't it would be her breaking down the walls to see her kids.

You handled yourself well. You can have a clean conscience, you tried. She's clearly just too messed up to deal with the guilt. She's clearly not well, but there's nothing within your power that can change that right now. Just get back to your life.

hi KMl :-)
I did it because I need to give my girls every chance I can to have normalcy. My conscience has been clean since day 1. If this was for me I would of said pass. The girls needed to see this as well. It helps them move on.

They don't mean these things. They don't remember what they say. She will come around again. I know it hurts on behalf of your girls, but she is sick. No mother in her right mind would behave this way.

I'm sorry you had to be reminded of what this does to them.

Hi Own it,
Your H and my XW must be made from the same DNA. crazy how they think. Yes ill.. i know. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that they don't remember what they say. My XW seems to stand her ground. Their brains just don't work the same.

Sorry for your kids to have to live with this. They are the true victims.

I don't post much about my infrequent communications with my EXW. Suffice to say 8 yrs give or take post BD she still can't deal with things in a mature way.

Hi Mirage
Sad to hear that. I know there is no real time line on when MLC ends. No one should expect it to ends because even if it does that person will not be the same. They would have taken on all that they lived through during the crisis and it will now be part of them. I ask myself often.. would I date her as such a person? Would I introduce her to my children and family?. answer is always no.

you did well, your adult children answer well putting their mom in place. They know who you are and what you did to support them. I want the same from mine. You are a class act to follow.

I think the only way they can face themselves is if they go full circle through the crises and find some help along the way
but sadly, I believe many MLCers get stuck and can't complete their journey

they get trapped in addiction which seems to have similar effects as MLC

breaking addictions are very difficult on their own , and add a real crises to it and you've got a major mental issue

Hi Peace :-) Yes, facing themselves is the biggest challenge. It takes a certain person to wake up one day and realize they trashed so many loved ones and then have the courage and strength to fix it. It's a lot of work for the MLCr. We know our spouses and we know if they have this strength in them or not. Mine doesn't. I always had to initiate talks if we had an argument.s She would rather go to bed and wake up with a smile, new day and forget about the yesterday. In knowing this. If my girls have any chance it will be wither me or them that initiates it. In the end it will be her to decide what she wants to do with that open door. She's not ready.

Maybe you never mentioned it before, but I didn't know about the NEVER AGAIN tattoo. I don't know what that means for her, but it sounds like real MLC crazy. My W's MLC tattoo was just a monochrome flower above her ankle.

Hi Brubeck
well, shortly after her disappearance with OM. I finally see her in mediation, not sure if she saw me because she was clearly avoiding any eye contact. Her arm had the Edgar Allen Poe phrase of the Raven poem, if you can call it that. NEVERMORE in bold black letters covering her entire forearm. Along side a black raven. The poem talks about him never seeing Loenore his lost love again and never find happiness. The Raven represents madness that will nevermore leave.

At the same time she started posting messages on Facebook.. saying things like " I hate when the voices in my head go quiet... i never know what those f**ckers are up to"
also "finally found my freedom and I'm living my dream, those who want to wait can wait.. anyone else can go F themselves."

This email has all the ingredients of the MLC emotional cocktail. A splash of avoidance, sadness, anger with plenty of projection and denial. Still deep, deep in the tunnel...

yup.. I think she dug a new depth in the MLC tunnel.. the current one wasn't dark enough.

Live your life , tell us how things with the new lady are progressing, my sons have meet my new lady but im very cautious about the girls meeting her because they are young and need to be protected. Im only in the R for 4 months so its early days.

Hi Rd.
yes life is moving on. I too it slow introducing my girlfriend to the girls. I actually talked about her more and more until they got intrigued and wanted to meet her. Their decision, I didn't force it on them. In the beginning I always kept it light and we did small activities. They like her and see that I am happy.

They said as long as she isn't moving in next week, doesn't try to be their mom and doesn't smoke cigarettes or pot like XW's loser OM.
Also she must respect them and me.. they are happy. She has a boy 11 years old. Great kid. Also gets along with the girls.

It took months before they met her. I even held her off from meeting my parents. We live a weird life with all this MLC. Not everyone is going to understand what happened, what we deal with and have the patience to be by our sides and support us through all the echoes and drama it may bring in the months or years to come. So far so good with her.

Happy to hear you are taking it slow too.

Your w is not ready. It's her loss, her giant loss. I don't understand the parents who abandon their children.

Hi Gordie

Yes it is.. all on her. I know what you mean. I've heard about dead beat dads.. but mothers is new to me until I came here. Its crazy to even imagine doing this sort of thing. I feel bad sometimes when i travel for work, leaving them alone or at my parents.

Also to think back 3 years. If someone said my wife and loving mother would leave the kids and not see them for 2 years, i'd say they were nuts.

Similarly, my h has not seen our kids in a year, sent a text and check after Christmas, ignored birthdays and cut off college tuition for our youngest. There's more but I think you get the point. It truly surprises and baffles me. I would never have imagined him doing this.

So, Nope, I don't get it. A million theories are offered, but i tend to think that it'll get less likely they reconcile with the more time that passes.

So much wreckage that the "AWOL parent" will see too high a mountain to climb, and just give up. And my kids don't seem to want to reach out to him anytime soon. They are hurt.

Hi 25yrs

I truly hope we get some reconciliation between a MLCr and their kids. I actually still have hope for her.

As I said above. When the time is right she will need help with this, if I'm still open to helping her then good. It was not in her nature to reach out even prior to MLC. She never learnt that skill. If she picks it up great but I can't expect her to do that.

If one day my door to help her connect with the girls is completely closed then she must seek help elsewhere. Time will tell and so will her actions.

My only job here this week was to see if she was ready. Clearly she is not otherwise she would of stepped in the door and done something positive for the girls.


Great plans upon us as it is labor day weekend here in Canada. So, a 3 day trip to the states to enjoy some R&R with the girls and my parents. I wish there was something we could do with the exchange rate though... its not cheap.

Hope you all have a great weekend.
Especially the birthday girl Bttrfly.