It matters if she lies on me to sway him to her side.
I would say this attitude is precisely why you and W are having a difficult time collaborating.
In my opinion, when it comes to S, HIS is the only side that matters.
This is victim shaming.
Tread is having a difficult time because, in an incomprehensibly short amount of time, the woman he loved and married, has become a self-entitled monster completely incapable of "collaborating" as a wife or as a parent to S13. Saying his attitude (implying his righteous anger) is the problem is like blaming the sewers in Houston for the current flooding.
Telling his son the truth about their lives (all three of them) was absolutely the right thing to do and certainly his business. Children need to learn to discern right from wrong. "Mom has a boyfriend and dates other married men with families and married people aren't supposed to do that --- I have communicated with your mother that, as of today, I remain willing to forgive and repair our marriage and family but, it appears she is choosing to continue this repeated destructive abusive behavior - I still have love for your mother and I am doing all I can to try to extricate her from this self-destructive hurtful path but I can't make decisions for her and I don't have to continue to tolerate such emotionally abusive behavior so we've separated. I am not saying your mother is a bad person, only that what she is currently doing is bad, hurtful and abusive behavior that I pray she stops.
Tread - very good job with the honest approach. Your son is watching you and learning valuable lessons such as the following:
1. How to deal with emotional pain - is it better to deny that there is a problem or face it and learn to express and cope with it;
2. How and when to lie - lying isn't allowed or acceptable even if it spares you or another from pain, upset, embarrassment, shame or punishment;
3. How to defend lying - Lying is allowed when it protects your privacy. Everyone has a right to privacy in their life, even if it involves hurting people behind their back.
4. How to exercise Judgement. Judgment isn't a dirty word. We are supposed to be able to discern right from wrong and teach our children to do the same. Our prisons are full of people that don't have such ability. What we are not supposed to do is condemn (God's job) or judge hypocritically.
5. How to be thoughtful - Your son already has one unfaithful, deceitful, thoughtless parent doing whatever she pleases without regard to how it affects other people, so you need to continue modeling "thoughtful" honest behavior to contradict this without regard to circumstance (this is the toughest one for you, personally, but you'll need to speak about honoring YOUR vows to God and your wife until such time that you are actually divorced by law. Honoring such vows, in good times and bad is certainly going to be difficult, in this, the "worst times" but it's what men/people are supposed to do.
6. Hopefulness - regardless of whether you save your marriage or not, one of my goals when I found myself in your position a long long time ago, was one of remaining hopeful and optimistic. Your wife is throwing away her life and destroying herself in sin. As the husband, I felt an obligation to TRY to save my wife but my happiness wasn't dependent on that. I'd be ok either way and remained hopeful for my future (this wasn't easy). My wife had but one path to happiness - repentance and turning from sin, whereas, I had my biblical out and could, nay, WOULD, be happy either way. My attempts to save my wife were a gift. (we are happily recovered and she remains grateful for all I did for her and our family). Whether your wife deserves such gift time will tell but we betrayed spouses offer it anyway out of hope and the feeling that people aren't disposable.
Your wife has made a huge mistake and miscalculation but her character and future happiness will depend much more on how she responds to such mistake. Does she stop, apologize, make restitution and repent or does she continue this journey into darkness, hopelessness, selfishness, and entitlement?
You can't or won't do everything right and actually, much of it is out of your control even if you did it perfectly. So knowing that try not to let the anger consume you. Your wife isn't doing this AT YOU (despite her efforts, after the fact, to try to make it all about you, so you'll react and give her more ammunition to say it's about you). She's destroying herself. As she continues, do what you can to try to save her for as long as you are able (even if it's only because she's still the mother of your child) and in the end, you'll feel better about your actions and the character you've exhibited and modeled.
YOU are the man in the arena (Google Roosevelt's Man in the Arena Speech)
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
