Hello everyone, new here and my deepest sympathy in advance for all of us that are going through the same struggles.
About a month ago, my husband started acting very distant, and blamed it on the extreme stress he felt due to our impending home purchase. On July 28, we closed on our home and spent the whole weekend moving and unpacking. I told him I hoped that he would feel better now, since we were now in the home.
After a few days, I noticed the distance continuing, but additionally noticed him paying attention to his diet and acting very protective of his phone. I confronted him about the phone thing a few times and he said he "wasn't cheating on me". I thought maybe I was paranoid, since he was being so distant, and tried to let it go. A few days later, I could not get the nagging feeling that something was wrong out of my head and confronted him again. This time, he blew up at me, asked me why it mattered (since I did so many shady things in our relationship, I was neglectful, I always argued with him, treated him like my employee instead of a partner) and said he would leave right now if I didn't stop with the accusations. I asked him if he was bipolar -- he was just acting like a monster -- and he attacked me again. I stepped back, apologized for accusing him and let it go.
When I went into the other room, my 12 yr old daughter told me she needed to talk to me. She said she noticed her dad acting weird on the phone and sending someone kissy-face emojis and pictures. She thought it was me at first, but once she noticed it was NOT me - she got very upset, but was too scared to say something. I ran into our bedroom, tried to rip the phone out of his hands and told him I knew he was cheating on me. He denied it all and then blamed me for getting our daughter involved (even though he was sloppy and did this in front of our children). I asked him if he wanted to work on the marriage at that point, and he said no. I told him if he was to continue speaking to this woman, and didn't want to work on the marriage, he needed to leave our home (mind you - we had owned it no more than 2 weeks at this point).
The following day, he left, and has been sleeping in his car and motels for the last 3 weeks. He comes to the house after he gets out of work (when I'm at work) to shower and sometimes see the kids. I eventually did find out who this woman is, and she's someone he knows from high school - but doesn't live in the same state (or at least I don't think she does). She has blocked me from Facebook, even though he nor her have any idea that I know who she is.
Over the last 3 weeks that he's been gone, we've gone from ignoring each other and him acting very stubborn and proud, to us sleeping together, to finding out he called her IN FRONT OF OUR CHILDREN and now me doing 180 actions - such as taking the initiative to paint our new home, doing things with and for the kids without him, getting my hair and nails done, losing weight and going out with my friends.
This week, a few walls have seemed to break down -- he's been hugging and kissing me, telling me how impressed he is by me, telling me I'm amazing, etc. Today, he came to the house, hugged me and started breaking down crying. I asked him what was wrong and told him he could talk to me. He couldn't stop crying and finally said that he is feeling so many emotions when he sees/thinks about the kids, or even when he smells my perfume. I told him I understood why he felt like that and said this was a difficult situation. Told him the kids and I missed him and the house was not the same without him. We continued to hug and kiss and he whispered maybe he was bipolar. I told him I had his back, I was his wife and he was my family. I told him I loved him and he said it back. His kisses and hugs were more passionate than what I've felt in the last few weeks, but I still felt he was holding back.
He left the house shortly thereafter, but before he left, he kissed me and we said I love you. After he left, he called her (I've been checking phone records).
I am at a loss here. Trying to stay strong, not asking him to come back, just showing him that I do love him and I'm here for him - but I do not want to be a doormat or Plan B. I would love to text him tonight before bed to ask if he is okay, but I'm assuming that's probably not the way to go with the 180 -- although if I am trying to change my lack of love/affection and neglectfulness towards him, maybe this is the right thing to do?
Grateful for all your advice and recommendations. Thank you.
________________________ M: 35 H: 36 M: Together 16 years; M 6 S14, D12 BD: 8/11 H Moved Out: 8/13 PA confirmed: 9/2 H Back Home: 9/27 OW Says she's pregnant/R on hold: 10/12
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hello Daisy, sorry you find yourself here! Have you read DR yet?
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He left the house shortly thereafter, but before he left, he kissed me and we said I love you. After he left, he called her (I've been checking phone records).
That's classic cake-eating.
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I would love to text him tonight before bed to ask if he is okay, but I'm assuming that's probably not the way to go with the 180 -- although if I am trying to change my lack of love/affection and neglectfulness towards him, maybe this is the right thing to do?
Try not to text him. Give him time and space. Now is not the time to try and change the lack of affection as that would be pressure/ pursuit, that will have to wait until much later. For now you have to pull back and quit any kind of pursuit behavior. You should also consider blocking him from just dropping by every day. Remember, HE chose to have an affair (probably EA at this point, but still an A), HE chose to leave, HE chose to abandon the marriage. You need to show him there are ramifications to that. He can't just drop by for some family/ marriage time when it suits him and then go back to his fling.
Hello Daisy, sorry you find yourself here! Have you read DR yet?
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He left the house shortly thereafter, but before he left, he kissed me and we said I love you. After he left, he called her (I've been checking phone records).
That's classic cake-eating.
Quote:
I would love to text him tonight before bed to ask if he is okay, but I'm assuming that's probably not the way to go with the 180 -- although if I am trying to change my lack of love/affection and neglectfulness towards him, maybe this is the right thing to do?
Try not to text him. Give him time and space. Now is not the time to try and change the lack of affection as that would be pressure/ pursuit, that will have to wait until much later. For now you have to pull back and quit any kind of pursuit behavior. You should also consider blocking him from just dropping by every day. Remember, HE chose to have an affair (probably EA at this point, but still an A), HE chose to leave, HE chose to abandon the marriage. You need to show him there are ramifications to that. He can't just drop by for some family/ marriage time when it suits him and then go back to his fling.
I'm going to read the book this weekend. Yesterday, he was at the house with the kids and I saw him. He told me he missed me and loved me. Hugged and kissed me. He was visibly aroused, but it didn't go further than hugging and kissing. Today he told me via text message that he "doesn't deserve me". That upset me so much, I'm not sure how to respond or what to do. I feel like he's really talking himself into this not working. A few weeks ago, it was me being such a bad wife/mom - now I'm too good that he doesn't deserve me.
________________________ M: 35 H: 36 M: Together 16 years; M 6 S14, D12 BD: 8/11 H Moved Out: 8/13 PA confirmed: 9/2 H Back Home: 9/27 OW Says she's pregnant/R on hold: 10/12
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
He's cake eating. He has both of you wrapped around his finger. Nice gig for him. Don't be an option. That's too disrespectful to you. You don't deserve that. You're being strong, which is good, and you said you won't be a plan B, which is also good, but then you allow him to have his cake and eat it too AND keep kissing, hugging, and telling a man you love him THAT IS ACTIVELY CHEATING ON YOU WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.
If you want to save your marriage, you have to stop doing that right now. Read about the 180 and employ it. I can tell you have the strength. Some of it may seem counter intuitive but it works. It's not guaranteed but it does work better than anything else you'll try. Trust me, I know.
I need him to come by the house every day and be with the kids, as he gets out of work hours before I do and we don't want them to be home alone.
________________________ M: 35 H: 36 M: Together 16 years; M 6 S14, D12 BD: 8/11 H Moved Out: 8/13 PA confirmed: 9/2 H Back Home: 9/27 OW Says she's pregnant/R on hold: 10/12
He's cake eating. He has both of you wrapped around his finger. Nice gig for him. Don't be an option. That's too disrespectful to you. You don't deserve that. You're being strong, which is good, and you said you won't be a plan B, which is also good, but then you allow him to have his cake and eat it too AND keep kissing, hugging, and telling a man you love him THAT IS ACTIVELY CHEATING ON YOU WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.
If you want to save your marriage, you have to stop doing that right now. Read about the 180 and employ it. I can tell you have the strength. Some of it may seem counter intuitive but it works. It's not guaranteed but it does work better than anything else you'll try. Trust me, I know.
Partly, I feel guilty because he was dying for love and affection during our marriage, so when he pursues me and wants to share love and affection with me, I feel like I should allow it.
What I don't get now is the change in stance from being such a terrible wife to now being so good he "doesn't deserve" me. That killed me. I haven't responded to that text message yet, nor know how to even respond to it.
________________________ M: 35 H: 36 M: Together 16 years; M 6 S14, D12 BD: 8/11 H Moved Out: 8/13 PA confirmed: 9/2 H Back Home: 9/27 OW Says she's pregnant/R on hold: 10/12
I need him to come by the house every day and be with the kids, as he gets out of work hours before I do and we don't want them to be home alone.
My suggestion would be to establish a boundary that as soon as you get home he leaves. Your goal should be to be around him as little as possible.
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Partly, I feel guilty because he was dying for love and affection during our marriage, so when he pursues me and wants to share love and affection with me, I feel like I should allow it.
That would have been OK if the two of you were working on the M. But you're not, so you've got to table that until if/when you do work on the M again.
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What I don't get now is the change in stance from being such a terrible wife to now being so good he "doesn't deserve" me. That killed me. I haven't responded to that text message yet, nor know how to even respond to it.
Nor should you respond to it. Have you read Sandi's rules?
These are great guidelines for how to behave with a WAS. Have a look at 32 in particular, "Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see." Your H is going to give you a LOT of conflicting statements in the coming months, you can kill yourself trying to figure out what it all means but the bottom line is it doesn't mean much of anything right now because your H is not the H you knew before. His mind isn't "normal" right now, he's confused about what he wants and he's trying to sort it out.
