Yeah don't do that. It is pursuing and you're finding ways to contact her. Let it go. This can also be you trying to fix her life. Just don't do it. She wants a trailer, she's more than capable of getting it done. Don't find ways to contact her.
Agreed with this^^^. And by showing her a picture of it, to ME, it almost suggests that you would pay for part or all of it. And or you have the expectation of a response from her, which is a form of pursuit. You are not her helpful buddy. At least not now.
Good point. Now that I think about it, I guess it is kind of like when she sends messages like "Don't forget xyz is happening." Granted it is strictly child related, but I feel like, "Yeah I got this handled, I'm a big boy, I don't need you to remind me"
"I"m a big boy, I don't need you to remind me", sounds like a defensive jab.
Whereas just saying "Yes I remembered/did not forget" and leaving it at that,
sounds simple, which it is.
And to echo something others said, I cannot think of a single case around here in which a WAS came home b/c their spouse was pursuing them.
For now, your job is to be your best self, by GAL and being upbeat to give her something to miss.
She can't miss you if you are not gone.
Make sense?
25, I never said I am a big boy. I never get defensive with her comments. It is a simple Thank you, or I will. The big boy comment was in my head. It was never said to her.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Do you have any idea on the psycology of that? It just seems so counterintuitive to think you can attract them back by basically saying you aren't attracted to them anymore
25 posts this sometimes, I always get a kick out of it because it describes the psychology so well:
Quote:
Here are lines from Swingers that may help.
MIKE And what if I don't want to give up on her?
ROB You don't call.
MIKE But you said I shouldn't call if I wanted to give up on her.
ROB Right.
MIKE So I don't call either way.
ROB Right.
MIKE So what's the difference?
ROB The only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. See, you can't do anything to make her want to come back. You can only do things to make her not want to come back.
MIKE So the only difference is if I forget about her or pretend to forget about her.
ROB Right.
MIKE Well that [censored].
ROB It [censored].
MIKE So it's almost a retroactive decision. So I could, like, let's say, forget about her and when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her.
ROB Right...or more likely the opposite.
MIKE Right... Wait, what do you mean?
ROB I mean first you'll pretend not to care, not call - whatever, and then, eventually, you really won't care.
MIKE Unless she comes back first.
ROB Ah, see, that's the thing. Somehow they don't come back until you really don't care anymore.
MIKE There's the rub.
ROB There's the rub.
Yes, 25's post was very helpful. The lines from swinger's was very good too.
Yesterday I messaged her and asked if she packed Ds shirt for school. In hindsight, I should not have, trusted she would, and if she did not, deal with it then.
I have made a concious effort to not read or respond to anything unless necessary and critical. (thankfully most apps,texts and my fitbit, will give a preview of the message, so I can tell)
Also, in reference to me sending her a pic of the item. She knows I am not going to pay for it. She has hinted before at me paying for things like moving trucks to move the piano, and her stuff. I just did not respond. The only thing I have paid for related to her stuff recently was a dolly I bought to move the piano, because there wasn't time for her to go get it herself, and she paid me back on the spot for it, and I let her keep it.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Jm....I also make sure I am looking good when I see her. New shirt on, if it's sunny my new shades, maybe a tank-top so she can see how jacked I am now. I had a beard before that was grey, shaved that off. My hair was greying too....went to a more upscale barber and dyed it back to my natural dark brown color and am letting my hair grow out on top. I also went and bought some fancy hair shampoo, body lotion and cologne. Just stuff like that to make me feel better. She may not notice but it helps with the confidence. I have turned into a metrosexual .
Yesterday I messaged her and asked if she packed Ds shirt for school. In hindsight, I should not have, trusted she would, and if she did not, deal with it then.
Yeh, it's okay. That's not the end of the world and now you know not to do it. Take the mindset of a single parent and when the kids are not with you, they're with a guardian who has to fully manage parental responsibilities.
With the single parent mindset - I basically make sure there is everything I and the kids need and that I don't have to go to W for it. If that means double sets of clothes and what not, then that's that. Have zero reliance on W for stuff. No reminders about stuff and events. If she didn't pack something during hand-off, make sure you have it and you're taking care of it. will have to do something about homework collaboration and stuff, but that can totally be business like.
Nothing wrong with being jacked, and looking and smelling good. That's what it's about makes me feel dope too.
For sure. I make sure that I am shaved, wearing my new clothes, new shoes. I put on her favorite cologne. I don't say anything about it. I let my body and my actions speak for themselves. I know she has noticed how fit I am getting, because multiple people have noticed. She is really getting into shape too. I really want to say "Wow you look amazing", but I don't. I pretend I don't notice. We aren't friends on myfitnesspal any more either, so she doesn't see the activities I do, like Kickboxing, and hiking.
Yesterday, I went to throw away the rest of the boxes from storage. I noticed put some wedding stuff in the box to be thrown away. I grabbed them, and set them aside. I am going to put them in an envelope. I will say nothing to her about it, but if she ever mentions she regrets disposing of our wedding stuff (and if and only if she wants to reconcile), I have decided I would mail it to her. It was a big part of our life and a huge deal. While she might be trying to erase all of that now, she may regret it. If she does, then in my head, giving it to her will show how much I truely cared.
Obviously, I NOT going to do this right now. But only under that specific circumstance.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
I'm a sensory woman and I LOVE some of the colognes out there. If you can get a new "updated" one, all the better.
I notice the scent on a man, and if my h were around wearing a new one, I'd notice.
Just saying...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm a sensory woman and I LOVE some of the colognes out there. If you can get a new "updated" one, all the better.
I notice the scent on a man, and if my h were around wearing a new one, I'd notice.
Just saying...
Just curious. What are some of your favorites?
The one I wear is what she bought me for Christmas.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
I had a bunch of colognes because I used to get free ones from a connect, but I didn't have a choice of what I could get. So, I just rolled with it for a while.
But, once BD and S happened, I chucked them all out and got stuff that I used to wear and love.
Right now, my go to is the classic cologne by Jean Paul Gaultier. When I wore it, my W noticed right away. But, I got it for me cuz I love it, not what she might like. Wear whatever you want to, and if it's what she got, that's cool too. As long as it's what you want.
.