Divorce and Acceptance- Part 2

[Pax_luv]

Hi friends! Hope you're all having a great week and doing as well as possible. My thoughts go out to all those in Texas. I keep you and your loved ones in my thoughts and prayers. I can't keep reading the horrific news stories about the devastation. So scary and sad.

So, a bit of a non-update vent. Today is my best friends anniversary. She and her h have been married 5 years. I was her maid of honor and ex was also in the wedding party for the grooms side. They are a solid couple who mean the world to me. And today, as they posted their "happy anniversary" lovey dovey declarations to each other on facebook I was consumed with an emotion that was like pent up frustration, anger, and jealousy and sadness all mixed into one.

This emotion wasn't pining for ex at all. It was more of a pity party like "why couldn't my h last 5 years with me? We had ups and downs just like you, why couldn't we persevere? What's wrong with me?

Her anniversary hit me hard last year too. I was jealous. Could it be because we're so close and so invested in each other's lives? I don't know. But last year's was hard too because at my 4 year anniversary, that's when ex gave me the baby ultimatum. "Hey how come your husband bought you a watch for your anniversary? I got an ultimatum. Get pregnant or get divorced. Not fair!" Yep... That kind of jealousy And sadness where I felt completely unloveable.

So again... Just sulking a bit I guess. Frustrated with myself that I let this man treat me like utter garbage for years and angry over the fact that I allowed this man to break my heart over and over and over again. And angry that I'm still working through the emotional fall out (this I know, is a blessing, the process is just difficult).

Here I am 2.5 years out from bomb drop and I am kind of aching to have real love and yet I'm not sure I'm going to get it because I'm afraid of settling. I just don't know. And yet, as we've all mentioned a million times before, the ex's seem to move on unscathed. They don't live with that constant ache. Ok...ok.... I know they have their issues and will have to deal with reality when the time comes... But by then, has all this turmoil been buried so far in the past that it doesn't affect them as deeply?

I don't know and clearly I can't focus on it. I just get these emotions sometimes and it makes me mad because I don't want to feel like crap over this anymore! I'm done. I don't give it permission to sneak up on me and yet It does and I have to take all sorts of emotional stock to sort it out and move on.

Anyway, i allowed my brief jealous, angry, sad, frustrated butt to get to the gym and I knocked out 140 deadlifts, grr... Now I feel like a beast.

Ex, who?