My husband filed for divorce

[LAJar]

One last thought. I ended up blocking my H's number from my phone. I have asked him not to call me before work or at work - it really just ruins my day because the calls are never pleasant.

what is his response to ^^^this?

I'm sure he's not even aware yet. I can go for a week or more without hearing from him (I leave him alone), then he'll randomly text.

Do you answer the emails sooner? How is that different? I'm asking. If you are "caught" in a conversation, let him know that you are "still processing this and will certainly give it some thought" and keep repeating that if he persists. It's not a weird angry response, assuming your tone is civil.

We rarely emailed one another, so that was just a thought of how he'd contact me if he needed to. The texts are so immediate & right in my face, it causes me to have a physical reaction. I feel like I can choose to ignore the email until I'm home and can then respond. In almost 2 months, I've had 3 phone calls, 1 face to face and the majority are texts, so tone usually isn't a factor. I will say my tone hasn't been great. Since we've had little contact, I tend to react & that's how I got the partial answer of the PA. He's also trying to broker some kind of deal w/ me based on numbers he thinks are real and fair. I'm tired of "hearing" it. I know I will have more clarity once I speak to an attorney. I have a consult tomorrow and one on Tuesday.

Not sure if you are a spiritual person but if you are, try this exercise so that you can lessen the pain you are in AND more calmly respond to him.

When you are alone, turn it over to the Universe or God or whatever term you are comfortable with.
Think out the words & then say them - "God, I turn my pain & anger over to you."

Say it out loud and hear yourself say it. I used to do this when I expected h to call me or the kids. I'd do it in the shower so no one thought I was losing my head.

I would say it 50 times and when you think it, say it and hear yourself saying it, It sinks in. I calmed down enough to cope with a short conversation with h.

I am spiritual, so I appreciate this method. I will definitely try incorporating it into high-stress situations.

That ^^^was a change for me. And having civil conversations rather than arguments is simply more pleasant and clearer. You can later, build on that. This change in YOUR response will do more to show change in you, than any words you might have wanted to say.

It's odd. I'm mad about the PA, but feel like I can detach more now that I know and try to answer in a more civil manner. It will take some effort though because his approach is condescending in when he discuss $, he says he's "willing to give me XYZ". As if he only gets to call the shots because he's the higher earner.

Also, the more you challenge your h's choices, the more you force him to defend them them. This tends to cement his decisions.

Most definitely, although I feel like any answers/choices I have that are counter what he'd like always result in him saying I'm controlling (one of his issues w/ me). I don't know how to get around that. I won't take his advice on D issues.

Any arguments in favor of staying married - are going to be wasted on him at this time.

And they are usually counter productive, (hurts the cause) rather than just ineffective.


I can't stop him from calling my office phone, but I can stop his calls to my cell. If he needs to contact me, he can always email.

These calls aren't productive and really just consist of him asking what I'd like from the divorce, then me getting upset. I'd rather not.

IF you agree to answer the emails within a reasonable amount of time, then treasure him that you are not ignoring his messages BUT that his calls at work are "distracting".

I absolutely would agree to answer at the end of the evening. It's hard to concentrate at work as it is, but a text interruption takes it to another level.

Don't point out your pain to him.
Guilting him will backfire and frankly, it's not going to attract him back. Most men are uncomfortable when their wives cry, and they tend to flee faster.

Yes, I've realized this very quickly. He's called me a victim many times. He doesn't consider what he's doing an A and says if I need to think that to make myself feel better, then so be it.I'm sure next to the other, I look like a whiny, needy, nag.

Again, refer him to your need to take some time to process this, as it's a very important decision for both of you. And if you see a L, ask them about disclosing things. One thing I've realized is that treating my L as if she's my T, is expensive and not helpful. Talk emotions to the therapist and the law/legal strategy with your L.

Great reminder. I'm sure it's easy to slip into that for someone who's willing to listening at $$$/hr.

PLEASE get as much information as you can asap about where you both bank, get some pictures of his pension and info re the 401k, any IRAs, cars & collections, savings, personal property value,) what YOU contributed to the renovations and such.

This is the most important financial transaction of your life. Be informed. See a L and realize that knowledge is power. His anger is not relevant to protecting your life and future security. Besides, when the dust settles the tempers will lessen.

Better to be financially secure and risk a bit of awkwardness at future events, than being ripped off and resentful the rest of your life.

My controlling nature (as far as H is concerned) works in my favor here, because I research and prepare so I feel comfortable. He has not only distanced himself from me, but also my son (his stepson) and we have no other kids together. Any interactions after this would be initiated by him, which I don't think is likely, so the dust isn't a concern right now.

what is your goal? To protect yourself? Okay. There is nothing vindictive there. Watch the tone you use with him. My DB coach used to say to "act as if the sedative you did not actually take, is kicking in."

Protecting myself really is the only goal. I take two steps forward, then have a neg. interaction w/ him and it's 10 steps back. I've lost 15 lbs. since he left (I know not all bad, but not in this way), my sleep is horrible and I'm just trying to get back on track.

There is power in the economy of words. Don't waste your breath. Calm interactions and you ending them first b/c you are busy GAL and being upbeat, will model the changes you want to make.

Wooooooo... upbeat is hard when you're bitter. That is my goal to work on my tone. I guess fake it til I make it.
I told my dad and brother and they both thought that would make him really mad. I don't see why I should care, but I'm not trying to antagonize. Thoughts?

See above. You will never regret behaving in a strong & dignified way.

It is my attempt at being dignified and self-protection. There is nothing dignified in knowing your husband has moved on so quickly. However, if I reinforce all of his issues with me, I know it only makes the other look shiny, new, perfect and not me.

Hang in there. It gets better!

Thank you 25. You're words of support are invaluable! This forum and all of the posters lending words of encouragement, is the best thing when you need to get something off your chest or need some urgent advice. I know I'm just beginning, so I do hope it gets better. Thank you again.