My husband filed for divorce

[25yearsmlc]

One last thought. I ended up blocking my H's number from my phone. I have asked him not to call me before work or at work - it really just ruins my day because the calls are never pleasant.

what is his response to ^^^this? Do you answer the emails sooner? How is that different? I'm asking. If you are "caught" in a conversation, let him know that you are "still processing this and will certainly give it some thought" and keep repeating that if he persists. It's not a weird angry response, assuming your tone is civil.

Not sure if you are a spiritual person but if you are, try this exercise so that you can lessen the pain you are in AND more calmly respond to him.

When you are alone, turn it over to the Universe or God or whatever term you are comfortable with.
Think out the words & then say them - "God, I turn my pain & anger over to you."

Say it out loud and hear yourself say it. I used to do this when I expected h to call me or the kids. I'd do it in the shower so no one thought I was losing my head.

I would say it 50 times and when you think it, say it and hear yourself saying it, It sinks in. I calmed down enough to cope with a short conversation with h.

That ^^^was a change for me. And having civil conversations rather than arguments is simply more pleasant and clearer. You can later, build on that. This change in YOUR response will do more to show change in you, than any words you might have wanted to say.

Also, the more you challenge your h's choices, the more you force him to defend them them. This tends to cement his decisions.

Any arguments in favor of staying married - are going to be wasted on him at this time.

And they are usually counter productive, (hurts the cause) rather than just ineffective.


I can't stop him from calling my office phone, but I can stop his calls to my cell. If he needs to contact me, he can always email.

These calls aren't productive and really just consist of him asking what I'd like from the divorce, then me getting upset. I'd rather not.

IF you agree to answer the emails within a reasonable amount of time, then treasure him that you are not ignoring his messages BUT that his calls at work are "distracting".
Don't point out your pain to him.
Guilting him will backfire and frankly, it's not going to attract him back. Most men are uncomfortable when their wives cry, and they tend to flee faster.

Again, refer him to your need to take some time to process this, as it's a very important decision for both of you. And if you see a L, ask them about disclosing things. One thing I've realized is that treating my L as if she's my T, is expensive and not helpful. Talk emotions to the therapist and the law/legal strategy with your L.

PLEASE get as much information as you can asap about where you both bank, get some pictures of his pension and info re the 401k, any IRAs, cars & collections, savings, personal property value,) what YOU contributed to the renovations and such.

This is the most important financial transaction of your life. Be informed. See a L and realize that knowledge is power. His anger is not relevant to protecting your life and future security. Besides, when the dust settles the tempers will lessen.

Better to be financially secure and risk a bit of awkwardness at future events, than being ripped off and resentful the rest of your life.

what is your goal? To protect yourself? Okay. There is nothing vindictive there. Watch the tone you use with him. My DB coach used to say to "act as if the sedative you did not actually take, is kicking in."

There is power in the economy of words. Don't waste your breath. Calm interactions and you ending them first b/c you are busy GAL and being upbeat, will model the changes you want to make.


I told my dad and brother and they both thought that would make him really mad. I don't see why I should care, but I'm not trying to antagonize. Thoughts?

See above. You will never regret behaving in a strong & dignified way.

Hang in there. It gets better!