You guys aren't going to believe this 5

[NYGal]

Hi Thornton,
Just stepped on here and haven't read all, but I wondered... have you shared any of your fears about your job with W? I know the H is supposed to be all strong and stuff, but sometimes the W likes to be able to offer support, too.

[Thornton]

Thanks for always keeping an eye on me, ladies!

If it weren't for you, I would have fallen back on my codependance and I'd probably be in a long distance relationship with W right now haha!

I'm trying to just ride my feelings out like a wave and hopefully stay on my surfboard.

Hey NY - thanks for checking in! I have not shared any of my fears with W. All of my interactions with her, always by text, are superficial and surface. I don't let her into my world and tell her what I'm thinking or feeling. She on the other hand appears to be struggling with her decision to up and move. The old Thornton would have sacrificed himself to make her feel better. I can't do that any more. I'm trying to make me #1 for once in my life. My relationship with her was more important than my relationship with me.

Honestly I'm just flying blind right now. Because I am literally choosing to go against my very strong instincts to fix things with W.

But from experience, if neither one of us has actually changed, we would just end up where we are right now. Just a matter of when.

I'm hoping that by leaning into my pain, that I will come out the other side. And I'm hoping when that happens, I'll have a much better people picker.

[EastTN]

The old Thornton would have sacrificed himself to make her feel better. I can't do that any more. I'm trying to make me #1 for once in my life. My relationship with her was more important than my relationship with me.

That's absolutely awesome, T!

[Sotto]

Good for you Thornton - I'm pleased to read this!!!

I hope you will come to see this time as a really important investment in your future. You are going through this so that you will be able to have a healthier relationship with (first and foremost) yourself - and a healthier romantic partnership too..

That may be with your former fiancée or some other very lucky lady. All will unfold as time passes.

I think you are right where you need to be and I would encourage you to enjoy the benefits that being single offers. Get out on your bike with your friend, go boating with no-one to complain about it....maybe even get yourself along to a social GAL event? A little dancing maybe??

[25yearsmlc]

Thornton

checking in to say hello. And to remind you NOT to fix your wife! Also how is your older d doing? If she is near you can you guys hang out some more?

Btw, I don't think you can get "fired" from parenting or step parenting. It can be made more labor intensive but your little one knows you as her dad, and I think you are right to stay in touch with her without her mom's direct involvement

Also, you said something about missing having a partner around, including financially

but seems to me that your girlfriend was not really the most stable of partners.

Perhaps you miss what you see as her potential as a partner, not the reality of who she is now.


Given the see saw nature of your r with her, (3 bombs in 5 years) I think the truth is that she was not a constant presence for you anyhow.

Emotionally speaking, you have to Be careful that you don't return to a dry well when you have thirst.

Make sense?

Keep on keeping on, and enjoy both your Ds!

[Thornton]

25,

Thanks for checking in.

I'm hanging in there. I do have down days but I also have days where I feel pretty good.

W does still text me a few times a week but I am very guarded with her.

I remain in contact with SD and we send each other funny pics and videos all the time. She loves animals so I always on the look out for funny animal vidoes to send her.

Regarding older D, she's doing ok. She's in a defiant stage right now and really doesnt want much to do with me. Her mother (my ex-wife not the one I'm dealing with now) really alienated her from me. Her mother is a diagnosed bi-polar alcoholic.

In fact, I've visited with several lawyers about obtaining full custody due to the alienation but they said when dealing with a bi-polar ex, it's best not to stir the pot and that these things usally end being world war 3 and never good for the child. You have to pick the lesser of two evils.

So... I always let D know I am here for her and if she ever just wants to go for a walk or grab a bit to eat, I'm always willing.

In the meantime, I am still going to IC and working on my stuff. My therapist has noted that I am making progress and I'm on the right track now.

Ive also gotten back in really good shape. I've always been fit and eaten healthy but I have stepped it up a notch and taken it to the next level.

I'm also exploring becoming a business owner. I've been in talent acquisition for many years and I would love to open a staffing agency that caters to working with veterans returning from active duty.

Lots of change is happening for me right now and I'll admit it can be scary. But, I'm learning to rely more on myself.

[MoveFrwd]

I remain in contact with SD and we send each other funny pics and videos all the time. She loves animals so I always on the look out for funny animal vidoes to send her.

So... I always let D know I am here for her and if she ever just wants to go for a walk or grab a bit to eat, I'm always willing.

Just throwing this out there.

Do you have any plans to go visit them instead of waiting for them an invitation from either of them?

[25yearsmlc]

Thornton,

I'm with Kaizen on this. As the parent, I think it's incumbent on us to shoulder the burden of maintaining contact.

And not telling them "When" they need us, to call. That would only happen in the most dire of circumstances. When h cut off d20's college funds in late May, he signed the rambling letter with "call anytime, Love, Dad."

(As if she'll want to reach out to him when he's made himself unavailable in every way.)

So Why not reach out at least on a weekly basis? It's okay if she says no. You are still her only dad. And She will have a "record" of her dad consistently being present for her in some way.


One guy I know who has been alienated, sends weekly emails and texts, and if nothing else, his son will be able to read them later.

The problem with alienation is that it's an abused term. A lot of absentee parents claim alienation when it's really the result of their absence that created the chasm, OR it's a mixture of both. In my h's case, the more awkward he MIGHT feel, the less likely he is to make an effort. So there is a snowball effect.

Lately h explains his chronic absence by telling the kids his new marital revison

which is that the home was "too toxic" for him to be in it so he HAD to live away from us and "Commute" for most of the last decade. He's an MD.

Reality is that he enjoyed part time parenting b/c he did whatever the he11 he wanted during the week away. I KNOW THIS.

The kids know they were not a priority for h, but more of an option. And it hurts.

The more he blames me for it now, the more they resist him. Not saying you are doing that,

--- and please don't freak, but do you ever think that to your d16, you appeared to care for your gf than your own kid? Kids worry a lot about not feeling fully loved and accepted, even when we feel it.

Food for thought.

[Thornton]

I can assure you I am not an absentee father.

In fact, my D lives with me now but the only way I could convince her mom to let her live with me was to continue to paying her child support. So I have my daughter with me, and pay my ex-wife child support. My daughter simply doesn't want to hang out. She prefers hanging out with her friends.

I've even taken her to a few family therapist with me to see if we could work on things. I tried to get her to attend church with me. I've asked her for a long time now to spend some time but she just doesnt want to.

I know for a fact her mother has told her lots of lies about me inlcuding that I cheated on her. Ummm, her mom left me and I was the one that tried to save the marriage. I have never cheated on any woman I've ever dated. But ex-wife was angry and was determined to destroy me. Any time we would have a disagreement, she would try to take me to court for more child support. Eventually the judge saw right through her.

However, ex-wife tried to get me back and by that time I was already dating another woman ad told her I had moved on. It was then that ex-wife started bashing me. She even chased my new girlfriend around town in her car running red lights etc.

I will never give up on my kid, ever. I let her know that I'm there for her and always ask her day was etc. All I get is a grunt in return or "leave me alone".

I've spent countless hours talking to IC about this and have tried every suggestion he has recommended to no avail. And he also specializes in child psychology.

He's told me that this is common for parents when one has a personality disorder and that at this point, all I can do is let her know I love her and that I'm there for her.

[Sotto]

Hi Thornton, it sounds like there are many positives in your life just now - still challenges yes, but positives too. That's quite often to hear from your exGF. How do you feel about that? It sounds like you are very much eyes forward and moving ahead, but I know how tough that can be - particularly if there's regular contact?

I hadn't realised your daughter was living with you now. It can't have been easy for her with her Mum's health and alcohol challenges. I can remember many times in my life when my Dad 'came through' for me - when I felt alienated (because I was a stroppy, unhappy teen) and he helped build a bridge back to the family, when I got into debt as a student he mentored me without bailing me out. When I got my first house, he helped me. When we separated, a roof over my head. Many times he drives me a bit nuts, but I love and appreciate him too - no matter what age we are, we all need our Dad. Gentle persistence is the way I think.

Good luck with your new business venture too - excited for you