I get that, and I am living my life for me. But I also want to share my life with W. I know right now that isn't really possible, but I pray that she will come around. In the meantime, I am living for me.
She might come around, she might not. I know that if you pursue her you have a way less chance of her coming around. Focus on you and become the best version of yourself you can possibly be. Plan your future as if it doesn't include her at all. As you said, live your life for you. If anything will bring her around, that'll do it. The upside is even if it doesn't, you won't care. Your life will be going just fine without her. The thing that impacts walk away's or wayward's that want out is to realize that their spouse doesn't need them, that they'll be just fine without them.
Ok but how often does it get them to come back or want to come back
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
So W asked if she could get locks to the storage unit from me Then sent follow up email asking 'or are they still on the unit' I jusy responded with yes...and she didnt try to get me to clarify. Shebwent to the unit when I had them on me, and when she got them, she had 15 minutes to get them or get charged for a whole month... the consequence of not wanting to communicate with me, I guess.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Ok but how often does it get them to come back or want to come back
I think you're missing the point.
No I think I get the point I was asking from a pure statistical stance
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
No I think I get the point I was asking from a pure statistical stance
Unfortunately, we don't have any numbers for you, but I can tell you this much........over the years that I've been reading threads on the board, the W's that did want their H back, were interested b/c he let go and stopped trying to get her back. He would move ahead and enjoy his life without her........and without his attention on her.
LBH's are afraid to let go, b/c they have this idea it will push the W farther away. No, pursuing pushes her away! When she sees you not interested or bothered by her, and moving forward......... it attracts her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I get that, and I am living my life for me. But I also want to share my life with W. I know right now that isn't really possible, but I pray that she will come around. In the meantime, I am living for me.
She might come around, she might not. I know that if you pursue her you have a way less chance of her coming around. Focus on you and become the best version of yourself you can possibly be. Plan your future as if it doesn't include her at all. As you said, live your life for you. If anything will bring her around, that'll do it. The upside is even if it doesn't, you won't care. Your life will be going just fine without her. The thing that impacts walk away's or wayward's that want out is to realize that their spouse doesn't need them, that they'll be just fine without them.
Ok but how often does it get them to come back or want to come back
MUCH more often than going the passive route. It's human nature to want what we can't have. If you're a guarantee then she won't want you. Don't be a guarantee for her.
No I think I get the point I was asking from a pure statistical stance
Unfortunately, we don't have any numbers for you, but I can tell you this much........over the years that I've been reading threads on the board, the W's that did want their H back, were interested b/c he let go and stopped trying to get her back. He would move ahead and enjoy his life without her........and without his attention on her.
LBH's are afraid to let go, b/c they have this idea it will push the W farther away. No, pursuing pushes her away! When she sees you not interested or bothered by her, and moving forward......... it attracts her.
Do you have any idea on the psycology of that? It just seems so counterintuitive to think you can attract them back by basically saying you aren't attracted to them anymore
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Here are the statistics I have, which come from at least one reputable source:
*Comment - couples who separate but then reconcile, are hard to study.
Divorced couples are more manageable as a research group for survey purposes.
I mean, how would we find couples who separated and reunited, if no legal work was filed? So those couples are screened out from these numbers.
There was a decent sized study conducted by the Family Research Council and a Marriage & Family group. In their survey of people who had filed for divorce or left a long term relationship -at least 5 years earlier, they were asked if they regretted the divorce/break up. (I am somewhat sure it was the WAS's surveyed).
Since the surveyed people had to have been divorced or broken up for 5 years or more. (that means couples who reconciled before the 5 years were up, were not counted.)
Anyhow, almost 2/3 of those surveyed said they did have regrets. Of those, many said that although they regretted the divorce, there was too much water under the bridge to repair it now.
Interestingly, of couples who actually complete their divorce,
between 6 and 12% later remarry their exes. Depends on which source you have.
12% is one out of 8. I heard 15% stated by a speaker but don't recall her source.
I lived in CA until recently. There, 1/3 of divorces actually filed in CA, are not completed.
Surely some/most of that third have reconciled. I don't have any statistics about couples who separate and reconcile. Hard to measure that.
Remember that anytime you have a statistic like this, one thing is always missing.
Factors you have in common with one of the groups, that go against/for you.
For instance, as an example, if you look at those who remarry and learn that the reunited couples tended to be over 50, and had 2 or more kids,
and if YOU have those same factors, then your chances of remarriage would presumably be higher. Conversely, if you have the same traits or factors in your marriage that the least successful folks have, watch out.
My aunt and my cousin both divorced and remarried their former spouses. So, I do know it happens.
Neither expected to do that when they split. I know my aunt was divorced for 5 years before my uncle asked her for coffee.
They remarried and the second time around they were much more open discussing things.
(In their first m, My uncle had been on a medication that affected his ability to have sex. Rather than telling my aunt that, AND saying something reassuring, he rejected her without much explanation. That was a different time, I know. But That was the catalyst for their divorce. (yeah um, I don't have specifics about how they resolved that, but I don't really want to know all of that...)
anyhow 6-7 years after they remarried, my uncle died of cancer. He was surrounded by people who loved him. If they had not remarried, I doubt that would have happened for him.
Keep on keeping on. This does get better.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Do you have any idea on the psycology of that? It just seems so counterintuitive to think you can attract them back by basically saying you aren't attracted to them anymore
Yes, I most certainly do have an idea on the psychology. Do you have any idea on the psychology of the WW mindset?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I aplogize if it comes off as rude. I am simply seeking a better understanding of the situation
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
