I was also sending additional money outside of the agreement for D. I agree I don't want to support STBXW's laziness, which is why I told her I wasn't sending money anymore, but if D lacked for anything, we could talk about the best thing for her.
I think this is the problem. Whether or not it's on purpose, it sends the message that YOU are the one that gets to decide whats 'best for D'. Instead of taking care of incidental things, like haircuts, theres now a system in place where W has to ask you for money to do things and you become the arbiter of yes or no. This means that any time you say 'no', you put yourself as being the bad guy. There's no upside for you; youre either a jerk or a doormat.
In my opinion, if she wants custody, then she can figure out how to pay for things. If I want to take my daughter to the amusement park, Im not going to ask my ex for half. Just like if my ex wanted to take my daughter to a baseball game, I would expect to pay half.
If she 'lacks for something' at your ex's house, thats just not your problem anymore. If she lacks for a basic need at your W's house, then it's time to fight for more custody.
