What to do

[25yearsmlc]

Ok just want some help from some of the vets on here. So just a quick recap of my situation. Wife said she was done end of April. By end of May I found out during separation she had sex with another man. I confronted her about it and told her I was not willing to be plan b. And was done until she was 100 percent in this. She ended it with him(was one night drunk in a bar and hooked up).

okay there are 2 immediate issues here^^. 1) why did your w want out of the m? Are any of her reasons valid?

2) usually an A fractures the marriage partly b/c it requires thought out deceit by the cheating spouse. That behavior often ends up hurting the LBS more than the "act" itself.

IF your w is telling the truth about the ONS, for ME, that's just not in the same ballpark as a long term affair made while sober, and with time to cool off & stop.

Plus, she did what many here would say is the "honest way" b/c she first informed you she wanted out of the marriage, and then you physically separated.

None of this ^^ makes it "all better", but for ME, it's just not as significant. The underlying reasons she wanted out of the marriage, are.



About four weeks of me pretty much being done and door closed on our relationship she started to really engage with me. And we worked really hard(both of us). And we got to a point where our relationship was better than it ever was. I worked hard on my faults of letting life get in the way of me and her.

Can you elaborate on this 'fault'^^? It's so vague that I don't know how you'd do anything specific to address it. Or how you could measure progress. And I'm slightly concerned that you are glossing over some behaviors with a vague sentence.

I mean, did your wife list "letting life get in the way of the m" as the BIG reason she left?

I'm asking.
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Now on to the parts I am struggling with. We are both really open now with each other we have talked more about the dark hidden things we all try and bury about ourselves and I have really enjoyed learning new things about my wife and she has said how much so loves for me to share my struggles.

If this^^^ is all true and if it lasts, wouldn't these changes help you with the rest?


But I think I am also very guarded because I don't want to give her to much ammo to hurt me if we split again. Is this normal?

Please explain about the "ammo" you fear. Is there something you're confessing that you fear she'll hurl out in an argument?

Or Do you mean getting hurt again? And If so, isn't she taking the same risk?


Do you ever regain all the trust and love you had for your partner?

Good question.

So ask yourself if love is ever, at least partly a matter of choice. If you believe it is, then you can control some parts. (And so can she).

Consistent effort + sufficient time = change that can last.

I really am loving life. I'm glad our family is whole again. I just wonder does the pain from the little blip in our life ever get easier to deal with.

Isn't a chunk of this^^^ about the underlying issues she left about?

Or are you fixated on a one night drunken event that she told you about?

I am not minimizing it. But it's not as if she works with this guy or will keep running into him. Nor does she have an emotional connection with him.

so there's no big need to restructure her life to avoid the situation happening again, correct? And you were separated at the time, correct?

How would you feel if you were in her shoes now?

To me, the real questions are,

whether she sees it as a big mistake

AND how forgiveness was modeled in your childhood/life? This is a serious question for you.

I didn't see forgiveness modeled between my parents growing up. So I had to develop that skill, which I now realize is vital to ANY long term marriage. Giving forgiveness AND asking for it, often, is mandatory to long term marital success.

I think it's a learned skill, not something we are born with. And it sounds as if that's something for you to work on.


Will I ever be able to look at this and not almost have a panic attack wondering when the other shoe is going to drop

I think so, if you both want to and then DO the work you both need to do.

Finally, I fully agree with what Tx says, you need MC. *IMO, you also each need individual counseling, - both of you, & not together. I feel strongly about this.

There are things you each might want to explore, but which you'd feel inhibited discussing with your spouse rig that. Some of our responses will be subconsciously "edited" to avoid over sharing or hurting or angering our spouse.

Speaking from experience, my problem with my MIL needed some work. It was impossible to do that with my h right there.

So I ended up working on it at a personal growth workshop I attended without h. It was not about marital issues, but all r's will improve if we dig deep & live our lives with clarity and intention. We make better choices. the workshop helped me become a better w and better mother and better lawyer too. (It's called "Essential Experience" or "EE" for short. It's in Philly, if you are interested. Several DBers have gone & all have gotten a lot out of it.) Workshops like that jumpstart your relationship work and then you can continue on with a T or the follow up support groups that EE provides.

Retrovaille is a great workshop too, but it's for couples, not individuals. EE is for personal individual work, but obviously that spills over to all areas of our lives.
EE was the single most profound learning experience of my life, btw.

Retrovaille is excellent too, but both must attend and please - do the follow up sessions. No "one weekend retreat" will fix everything and last, without follow up efforts. Like a new way of eating, you can't lose all the weight & keep it off, without incorporating it as your new way of life.

I really regret that we did not do most of the follow up for Retrovaille but we thought we were "fixed" and besides, it was a 2 hours drive and - and- blah blah blah. (UGH!!)


So I would recommend Retrovaille if you can make it work as a couple, to get there.
And I would recommend EE to you as well.


I believe the more confidence you both have in your changes and the m itself, the closer you'll both be to getting past this. But confidence won't just land on your heads.

My advice is that you both get individual counseling with a stated goal of improving the m, owning your parts and changing some behaviors. Attend a workshop to get a jump start on the work.

Then add in some ingredients like time and consistent efforts and checking in with each other, and you have a real chance.

Keep it up