Leah, part 5

[leahsue]

H called last night to say good night, and said he needed to check meeting schedule this morning then book a flight, if that was OK, and he would let me know "early", if that was not too late. I said OK.

Well, this morning I hear nothing. And I'm feeling very uncomfortable about it. So I decided to give it until noon, and I had written out a text that said- since I haven't heard from you, I'm going ahead with my own plans for the holiday and next week. If you still come down early and stay with your sister (!), I'll be glad to see if I can get you an appointment with my dentist. I hope you're feeling better today.

I was sitting on the floor by the door to my garden, watching it pour down rain, and the thought kept coming to me.... this is where you teach him how you will and won't be treated......

I knew this could go one of two ways- either he would ignore the text and just not come, or he would respond quickly. About then I get this text from my D31 with this poem, saying READ THIS. (She knew nothing about my indecision, although we talked at length last night about his asking to visit so soon.)

LOVE AFTER LOVE
Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

I. HIT. SEND.

In less than 2 seconds he called, freaking out. He's been in meetings all morning, hasn't had a chance to book a flight, is it too late, etc.
I just said, H, my time is as important to me as yours is to you, and I feel you are being disrespectful of my time. He said I know, I know, have you already made other plans? And if so, can I just do them with you? I said I still have my options open, but no, you can't do them with me b/c that would just be weird. He realized I was talking about another PERSON. (Which I was- I have an invitation for a date to the Auburn game.) He got all weird then, and said Ohhhh........ well it seems like you'd rather keep those plans so I just won't come. I said OK. Then he said, well have you already agreed to those plans? Can you give me an hour to check things and book a flight? I said OK, I'll wait an hour, but just text me b/c I have plans for this afternoon and tonight (& I do- my ladies card game!!!- can't wait!).

Less than 30 minutes later he texts and says he's booked a flight to arrive Saturday afternoon.

I'm SO proud of myself for keeping a boundary, when my "inside little girl" was saying, but just wait it out and see if he comes..... At least now he knows I'm not always going to be sitting here waiting. I feel much better about the visit now.

I feel some hard conversations coming this next week, but it's time.