Squinting at the morning sun

[ciluzen]

So, time for another update. Last night I was totally wrecked...for about an hour. Surreal experience and somewhat unexpected...so I'm proud of bouncing back within the hour. More on that later. And bttrfly...you are so right. I think I still have the rope in my hands, but they're open...not holding. And its just slowly slithering through.

My D25 with anxiety/depression and her boyfriend had moved in with me when I bought my house. It was originally so she could concentrate on returning to finish up college and get healthy (see her therapist). Within two weeks she had quit her stressful job at her boyfriend's urging (he believed he could support the two of them), which I believed would help immensly. It didn't. Her lack of control over their finances plus the fact that he started missing work and spending without thinking snowballed into her quitting school again, them being in debt to everyone (including me!) and her anxiety and depression morphed...not necessarily worse, but different. More depressed (lack of control), less anxious. So she got a job at a childcare working with babies. It seems to have helped a bit, but they are now in the process of moving in with friends. Still in debt, but she is working, in control of her own money, and has learned not to depend on someone who has proven to be undependable (we had many talks about depending on yourself as you are the only one who's behavior you are able to control).

We had a massive garage sale this weekend and got rid of a lot of her stuff as well as some of mine. She actually came away with enough money to pay off some debt. She arranged to borrow XH's truck to take garage sale leftovers to charity, but also to move her things from downstairs. I may get my basement back!

So, yesterday...

I holed up in my house to faux paint the console platform that was built for my sink during my bathroom remodel. The bathroom has a beach theme (not obvious, but in textures and colors). Lots of pebble tile in soft greens and blues (tones) and pale, stone-look porcelin tiles. The console looks like an entryway half-elipse table with a single shelf below. I'm just painting the legs and lower shelf to look like gnarled driftwood...the top is the pebble tile and sandy-white tile with an aqua glass vessel sink on top.It came out great! My friends that live or visit beaches have been collecting driftwood for me to frame the mirror. Anyway...holed up all day doing that and other household things...

I've been on coffee dates with two guys now and both communicated with me yesterday. They both would like to see me again. Funny how that made me happy but not giddy...self confidence is growing; nervousness still hasn't appeared. Neither has clingyness or desperation...I'm not feeling the need to push the relationships forward. Just enjoying them as casual, slowly building friendships. I have other priorities and these are just icing (though I know the biologist really wants to "move quicker")...I am starting to move patience up there with honesty as one of my top aspirational virtues. Thank you DB! I do have a worry that I will never be able to fully trust or love again, but I also tell myself that I'm only 10 months post-D and 2 years post BD. Who knows?

Anyway, D25 called to ask if I couldnt drive her up to the vacation home (XH was at work) an hour and a half away to pick up the truck. I told her I would, but I wouldn't go inside. We talked about relationships all the way up. When we got there, she let me know she needed to use the bathroom. I told her to go on; I'd sit in the car. She urged me to go in...? After a bit, I did.

It was no longer my house. Familiar, but not mine. I give XH props...he really was trying to protect me when he told me he didn't want me there when he was in the hospital. He knew. It was Bubbles' house. Everywhere. It looked like she had gone all out once the D was final erasing my presence by throwing up her style decor everywhere (signs with cute sayings, photo frames, and flowers everywhere). I remember XH once saying he wasn't a fan of her decorating with "signs". Did that change? It looked nice. We just "made do" as I was told not to fall in love with the place...it was just an investment. But now it looks like a happy home. Bubbles' happy home. I was wrecked.

Somehow, XH didn't leave the key to the truck and D25 hadn't checked to see if she had hers. We all know how to start it without the key, though. After calling him, D25 informed me that he was on the way up to water and would meet us with the key halfway. I arrived at the spot as he did, but D25 had gotten delayed. I explained this to XH. I'm sure my negative feelings showed even though I was explaining that she was delayed. I got no real eye-contact, but didn't effort it myself, either. Nothing. Just an exchange of info; he needed the truck back by the weekend...was taking off early Friday (implication: Labor Day house full of Bubbles' and friends and family...his new family. And probably D26 in that mix, though not sure). He left. D25 came over and immediately asked if I was mad at her. Her asking for reassurance confirmed that my emotional slip was showing. So I explained...but told her I'd be fine. We drove off, me following her.

On the way home, I received texts from both guys I've been talking to and two of my girl friends who I've become close to since XH left. I couldn't answer because I was driving, but the anticipation of talking to them and thinking about how much has changed turned my attitude. I've lost so much...but I've gained so so much more. And on my terms, with little to no compromise. I have friends who like me with nothing to gain from me but my friendship. I have daughters who enjoy talking to me and seek me out for advice or an ear...again, without a big river house or boat rides or ski trips. I get to decorate my house as I want...I'm not trying to make anyone else happy. I'm doing what I want to do, when I want to do it, and with whom I want to do it. My friends and I are busy; they don't call every day and hang on the phone. But we make sure we touch base each week and spend time with each other...without hanging on the phone talking to others in each other's presence. They understand quality time. I have gained so much more than I thought...

I also realize that something strange has happened to my "vibe", I guess? I can't explain it..it moves me and amazes me in a strange way. In wiccan (don't judge!) its known as "the glamour", but...hard to explain. Like making yourself appear to be beautiful and enchanting people. Except, in this case, other than trying to be positive, I'm not trying to "dupe" any one. I spoke with the woman in Home Depot who was selling me my dishwasher and my divorce came up...her story came out...I listened...she hugged me in the store and told me how amazing I was. A week earlier it was the paint lady when I was discussing paint colors and she started telling me about her day, then her life, then told me what an amazing soul I had. And this Tuesday, I went to a different hairdresser...a tattoo client of my D26 (she still tattoos and is working on drawing up my first one as we speak). As I was paying, she said "I just need to put it out there...you are an incredible, amazing human." Is this girl power? Is this a new thing? Or is this something people are getting from me that I'm not completely seeing, kind of like the person behind the movie screen sweeping up who can only see what is shining through backwards with muffled sound? Most of the time I'm just hearing their story, not sharing much of mine. I do love a good story. But even the men I'm talking to have said it. Is it becoming so rare for people to feel listened to that I've suddenly become rare and "amazing" because I take the time to do it? Or is it something else?

Whatever it is...my life is good. So, in the end, I'm glad I saw the house and am glad I was only wrecked for less than an hour. I think that's a record! So, it really does get better. And I'm so sorry I created an epic novel. Yet again.