Thank you for letting me know. I hope you are ok? And your aunt?
His reply
Yes to both thankyou. Nothing to worry about. All sorted out now.
My reply this morning (inspired by you all) was
Good to know. I guess we are still family too, so dealing with where we are is also a family related issue. I’ll leave it all with you to prioritise as you see fit
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
And then, in a non-DB way (but felt right to me to be blunt), I followed up with
When we chose to marry each other, we promised to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death us do part
The last 2 years have certainly been poorer, worse and full of sickness, haven’t they? We have both been forced to deal with some horrible truths. I’ve done my very best, H, to try to honour those vows in a different way. To love you from a distance and do what I can to not make things worse. I honestly don’t know why you chose not to try more to do the same, why the marriage that once mattered to you became something not even worth a conversation.
I accept that you feel that way and you want to divorce me. But some of this mess isn’t necessary and you’ve made it much harder and more expensive, in money and emotion, than perhaps it needed to be.
What do these vows mean to you right now honestly? I am still your wife, the same woman you loved and chose to marry. How can you honour them differently now given where you have taken us? That isn’t an unfair or unkind thing to ask you to consider, I think, to ask you to think about me as well as yourself.
Please take as much time as you need to do that. In reality, we have a ton of choices and nothing needs to be done quickly given that we’ve been lost in this for almost 2 years. Which seems unbelievable but is true. Things can change and be much better if both of us want to make that happen with baby steps. I believe you are at a place where you can do things now that you couldn’t before, and as I said, I like being optimistic!
I’m going to ease back now and let you breathe and figure out how to make things better if you want to do that. I have some difficult family issues of my own to deal with right now too so that’s fine with me.
Do I expect this to make any difference to how he is handling the D? No. Do I think there is a small chance that recent shifts in him might affect that? Maybe. Does it feel good to just be straight speaking? Yes.
And now back to NC for me at least for a few weeks. Other life fish to fry.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Ok, just waded through guardian paperwork. Tick. Dreaded it but feels better now it's done.
Been thinking at the back of my head while doing it about reality and next steps. I am tired of how life has been these last 2 years. This isn't the M I wanted or the H I married. I have survived so I know I can. I am embroiled in a D process with someone who does not treat it as a priority or behave rationally most of the time. He can't be trusted financially or to keep his word about even his own suggestions. That has made the process very expensive and drawn out. I accept that it is as it is. I don't expect H to change but it would be nice if he did!
What do I want right now? I want this season of my life to be over. It would be nice if H could let me go with the same grace I have shown to him. I want peace and to feel happy again.
What do I need? I need a break from MLC and D land so I'm going to do nothing at all for two weeks. Not a thing. I need to focus on a financial plan for the next 6 months and rebuilding my business. And enjoying the beach. How's that sound?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
And then, in a non-DB way (but felt right to me to be blunt), I followed up with
When we chose to marry each other, we promised to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death us do part
The last 2 years have certainly been poorer, worse and full of sickness, haven’t they? We have both been forced to deal with some horrible truths. I’ve done my very best, H, to try to honour those vows in a different way. To love you from a distance and do what I can to not make things worse. I honestly don’t know why you chose not to try more to do the same, why the marriage that once mattered to you became something not even worth a conversation. - I am still your wife, the same woman you loved and chose to marry. How can you honour them differently now given where you have taken us? That isn’t an unfair or unkind thing to ask you to consider, I think, to ask you to think about me as well as yourself.
Please take as much time as you need to do that. In reality, we have a ton of choices and nothing needs to be done quickly given that we’ve been lost in this for almost 2 years. Which seems unbelievable but is true. Treasure, why undermine your own request about the paper work? Is this a delay tactic? I'm asking. Things can change and be much better if both of us want to make that happen with baby steps. I believe you are at a place where you can do things now that you couldn’t before, and as I said, I like being optimistic!
Treasure, I ask this without judgement, but, do you still want a reconciliation? This^^ seems like you are asking him to do so.
I’m going to ease back now and let you breathe and figure out how to make things better if you want to do that. I have some difficult family issues of my own to deal with right now too so that’s fine with me.
Do I expect this to make any difference to how he is handling the D? No. Do I think there is a small chance that recent shifts in him might affect that? Maybe. Does it feel good to just be straight speaking? Yes.
And now back to NC for me at least for a few weeks. Other life fish to fry.
Treasure, as you know, this letter is pursuit. I worry that you attached expectations that will not be met, and maybe you don't "know" that you have them, but I feel you do.
Write all the letters you want (and maybe send some). But please please know that you are not "NC" and that you are very possibly setting yourself up for more pain.
And It won't help you to detach.
I relate, of course. I have internally written a hundred messages and notes I would like to send to my h. And there are at least a dozen on my computer that I have not sent.
Realistically my h might read one if it was flattering to him , but as soon as a remark was ambiguous, or negative, he'd tune it right out. Not even finish reading it. And maybe he'd feel an ego boost to get it if it was flattering and if it was unflattering he'd first decide it's proof that I'm a b1tch and then stop reading.
He might even subconsciously delight that I am still giving him so much energy. And I'd feel as if I'd slid backwards and have to start all over.
I don't know your h at all. I only know you say he's very depressed and seems to have made you the underlying cause, or at least the one factor he is willing to "change" by leaving.
When it comes to messaging our WASs, it's rarely if ever, helpful. I cannot think of a time on these boards, when a note helped open the door. But maybe.
Still, I am a wordsmith by training. If I were in front of a panel of judges, I'd win my "marriage case."
But my words do not and cannot seem to get through to my h. So I stopped sending them and kept myself from the "hopium" of expectations.
Do you feel now that you have said your peace, you can move forward without looking over your shoulder? Or not?
I'm asking.
Knowing this was not the life we planned, can be gut wrenching. But the reality is that life with your as he is now, not his potential as a h, would not be better than the chance at having real peace in your life, with or without a healthy man by your side.
Not a severely depressed man who [censored] out your will to live & creates havoc with your self esteem.
So, what are you doing to GAL this weekend? We both must be accountable for getting the he11 out of our homes, and DOING something!
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Everything you say is right, 25. Apart from expecting a response. It was a message in a bottle I suppose.
No, I'm still looking over my shoulder. No, I'm not at peace.
I think with a disappearing H, like a dead H, I spent a long time trying to keep him alive in my head. I didn't want to forget what his face looked like. This morning I woke up thinking that I need to do the opposite, that I'm starting to resent him popping up in my dreams.
Yes, he's depressed. Yes, he wants a D. Yes, he has created havoc with my life. Yes, he's not healthy. Yes, I am a thing he wants to "change" out of his life. Yes, it's pursuit and words don't work. Yes, he is not the H I knew or showing any potential sign of being so again.
Yes, it is time to re-read DR, go to NC and 'trust that he [censored]' as the person he now is. I will give myself a large 2x4, have a spare for when I need it and put my NC pants on.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Oh Treasur bless you. You really are going through the mill and I feel for you. If I'm honest I feel guilty that perhaps I have a chance with my H. I can't understand what it must feel like to be 2 years into this havoc and turmoil but at least there are lots here who can and do and can share more with you. I am so looking forward to meeting you on the 15th.
SJ x
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
For Citygrl & SJW - 15th, let's meet at Liverpool St Station by the ticket office then just a short walk to Spitalfields. Midday? How shall we recognise each other? Anyone else want to join us?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Much better day today. Reading a book called Solution-Oriented Women which is giving me some good work ideas too. So, not much thinking about H/D but more about what I see as my problems right now. How I've been tackling them (or not) and how I can take a 180 approach to them.
Interestingly of my 5 problems, only two are related to H. One how I feel about him no longer loving or wanting me in his life. The second being about the crappy way he's handled/handling the D process. So, 3/5 are just about me. Yay. More work to do on infamous baby steps and actions, but I feel much more positive.
Re H/D - I've decided to go NC completely for Sept. I need a break from this stuff and as my H has taken months on the D process, I reckon I can take a timeout now too! A mean bit of me (like Mean Girl DB) thinks that it's about time he feels what silence is like when you're trying to deal with practical stuff too!
It will be tough for me because it's our wedding anniversary on the 12th Sept, so I need you all to keep the 2x4s coming please.
Day 1: NC with Horrid H
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
There you go Treasur. I went through a period a bit ago where I kept instigating stuff for some reason. Seems you did the same. I recovered and you can too.
Now, how will you keep your typing fingers busy on Day 2 of NC Horrible Husband countdown?
