Finding my way out of the dark - Part 3

[Holding]

Thanks!

So something to add to my last post (I'll try to keep this shorter). I had a talk with S10 later that night, after I had pulled myself together and left the closet.

S10 was very upset about the D. He's been talking about it more since he saw the IC. So he starts laying out for me all of his concerns. The whole convo really broke my heart.

He said he thinks God saw that his life was too happy and wanted to take something away from him. He feels like he just can't be happy any more. I told him it's hard to see now, but he can be happy in the future. I told him God doesn't work that way, and he actually agreed to go to church with me this weekend (he usually hates going).

I started crying and he asked me why his mommy never cries. I told him he needed to talk to her about that. (I know it's all part of her facade, but it's starting to make S10 think she doesn't care.)

He told me he's scared to talk to mommy or tell her things that might upset her - he's afraid she'll get mad. I can now see how this is W using her anger to control people.

He asked me why we were getting a D. I've already gone down the path of telling him that this wasn't my decision, so I decided to try something my IC suggested. I told him there were things both his mommy and I had done to hurt the M. He wanted to know what I had done, and I decided to tell him some mistakes I made (not being affectionate enough, not going on dates enough with her, not saying ILY enough). I figured this was an opportunity for me to teach him some important things about showing love to someone. I told him he should try to remember these things when he's older and with someone.

Then he told me he's afraid the same thing (D) would happen to him when he's older. That hit me so hard that I couldn't really come up with a good response. I just hugged him and told him I loved him.

I have so much anger for W. This D is going to really mess up my kids. It's hard to not feel responsible in part for what's happening to them.

Like they say, it's a marathon, not a sprint. But this marathon is for me and my kids. My W is no longer a participant.