Jmstl's thread-Part 2

[Jmstl]

Main complaints-I am not loving and nurturing in the way she needs. Main love language is quality time and words of affirmation. I would constantly affirm her. Quality time suffered as we started to grow apart, and cycled. I am working trying to be more loving and nurturing

Good you know what her needs are in terms of showing love and affection. When you say you are working on it, I am curious to know how you're doing it.

Trying to show more patience with my children. Just laughing more and relaxing. To try and put others first. Asking people if they need help, volunteering my time. To show compassion for others

Taking the lead is more difficult. In our discussions through the S, I have said “I want to take the lead on this”. She will say okay, and if it doesn’t get done immediately, she will do it herself.

Yeah in this problem there is a mismatch in what both people think is a reasonable time to get something done. I think this on this one you can make some improvements pretty fast. Is it a case of you forgetting or you need to be better organized? No doubt this is linked to you not having much motivation in the past - but as you're working on motivation, see how you can improve following through on things.

I can tell you that my W has this problem and it drives me bananas that it's not taken care of in a timely manner. For me it reinforced the feelings that she doesn't care, she is just not organized, she doesn't make this a priority. So, two cents from being on the other side on how your W might be looking at it.

Part of it was motivation, but mostly she is extremely anal and organized. This was the big issue I have with her. If you want me to take the lead, then let me lead! But let me do it MY WAY!

2-Health goals. Lose 30 lbs (down 20)
Quit smoking-Smoked for 18 years. Stopped for a year. Restarted when S started due to stresss.

Awesome on the weight loss. I had the same issue with smoking, but I haven't stopped yet. It's on my immediate goals list.
Same here. But with KB, I HAVE TO! I can't smoke and kickbox, no way!

3-Health/Emotional goals-Learn to be loving and accepting of myself. To not be afraid to fail. To learn conflict resolution and assertiveness.

Same issues here. Have you explored it with IC yet? If not, do it. Hopefully your IC is good and they can help you figure out the root causes of this behaviour. Once you understand that, it will be easier to do a 180 on this.

Yes, I have been exploring this in IC. I actually walked out the last session pretty asseertive. Told the W, I want you to do this, I want that. I wasn't demanding, but I laid out what I wanted. She seemed mostly responsive. I tried to be assertive when we met with our pastor though, and it did not end well for me (This is where she said she did not want me as her husband anymore)

4-Walking, Fishing, writing.
Walk every day
Got a chromebook and hammered out 5 pages of a book

Fantastic. Been in a writing slump for years now and I just got started again - one of my goals for my happiness too. What are you working on - fiction/non-fiction; what genre?

Three books, 2 fiction, 1 non fiction. The primary is the non fiction/memoir type that detail the struggles of infertility and having a baby, which will mostly track with our life, which now includes a divorce on the horizon.

5-Try new craft beers-Going tonight to try some
Kickboxing always seemed interesting-Signed up Monday
Learn to program-Got a chromebook, and taking some classes on coding
The insight timer I will look into

Craft beers are great. I am doing the same thing with single malt scotch. Kickboxing and programming are great too. Yes, check out insight timer and see if it's for you or not.

You're doing so good. You have tons of stuff for GAL and you're doing self-critical stuff. I guess what you need to start doing is seriously working on detachment. Benni put something on my wall and I am going to copy it for you in a new post. Really good stuff.

Keep at it! Your mind will balance out soon with consistent efforts on all DB fronts.