I agree with Tx & Sandi and AS and whoever else said you need to change this dynamic fast. We know you had your share of the blame inside the marriage but that issue has been addressed in the only way you can. IF/WHEN you are forced to be around your w, you can show her you listen better and make eye contact, etc.
But as of NOW...
If I recall correctly, this affair was not her first. Which is not a good omen.
In any case, the only couples around here whom I know of to reconcile,
consisted of a WAS who started to believe they were losing the LBS.
Your wife knows full well you are waiting for her...without telling her outright (maybe later)
you have to GAL for real, b/c that is the only way I know of, to Detach.
Detaching is not all about getting her to notice, on the contrary, it's about YOU saving your sanity and health.
Recently I had some physical reactions to the stress, (chest pain, racing heart, sweating like a panic attack in the middle of the night -- nightmares sometimes recalled.)
It hit me full force, that the backslides to obsessing and letting my stbx h have free rental space in my head and heart - was literally physically hurting me.
(Thank GOD h does not live near me b/c your temper issue would have been mine, & it ain't pretty).
As for "mixed messages", here's what I wish I had known 10 years ago. The "mix" needs to be ignored. Let's get real, b/c When a WAS really does want to reconcile, AND do the work to piece - way harder than anyone expects ---
there will be CLARITY & INTENTION & COMMITMENT from the WAS. Nothing fuzzy or half ass.
Because if it's fuzzy or half ass, the LBSer needs to run away faster, not probe for how the WAS really feels or IF there is remorse and self awareness.
Reconciling without laying the foundation first - is like wearing a "Hit Me Again" sign on your back. No thanks.
Massively Detach and assume you will NOT reconcile until if/when that changes.
Anyhow, I am not sure if I posted this to you on an earlier thread of yours, but here it is anyway b/c it's so illustrative of our course of action-
From the film, "Swingers"...
- Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her? - You don't call.
- You said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her. - Right.
- So I don't call either way. - Right.
- So what's the difference? - There is no difference right now.
See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up...
is if you take her back when she wants to come back.
But you can't do anything to make her want to come back.
In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her.
- Right. - Well, that [censored].
Yeah, it [censored].
So it's like a retroactive decision then? I mean, I could, like, forget about her.
And then when she comes back, make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Right, although probably more likely the opposite.
What do you mean?
I mean, at first you're gonna pretend to forget about her.
Not call her, I don't know, whatever.
But then, eventually, you really will forget about her.
- Well, unless she comes back first. - Mm, see, that's the thing.
Somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
- There's the rub. - There's the rub.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
